I don’t know where to begin! Very Cliffs Notes version of my stich – W in MLC, reconnects with ex-BF on FB and start at EA (that leads to a PA) in late 2009/early 2010 (discovery: 2/1/10).
Talk separation/divorce (and she claims NC) which is busted during a family trip to Hawaii in 7/10. After 7/10, claims NC but I discover in 3/11 that the A has been on-going during that whole time period.
After that drama, we recommit to working on M (and I think the NC is real, at least for a while) and both feel like we’re getting back on track in mid to late 2011, but W goes to OM town last weekend (for a party at her “friend’s” house) and I discover a You Tube video she is in (at OM’s birthday celebration) – definitely my last straw (though she claims they are only “friends”…whatever). Kind of amazing to see it all above how many chances I have given this to work when I look at the condensed version above…wow.
We are now proceeding to separate after the holidays (we have 2 boys, age 11 and 7) – I will keep the house and boys and she will move to an apartment, though I can already see her trying to “back track” on things (“we don’t need to rush things”, “I don’t want to affect the boys”, etc.).
At the end of the day, I can’t believe how much I’ve allowed myself to be disrespected here and how many “second chances” I gave her and kind of ashamed about that.
Have also realized that this R hasn’t been worth it, as we are just at a base level incompatible and I’m not “myself” around her (which was an observation my boss made – we had gone to a dinner party at her house and she noticed I wasn’t myself there, really holding back). Was a good 2x4 as we proceed in this direction…
Her big thing is that she feels this need to be “independent” from me and having her own life (she has been in relationship after relationship since she was 19-20 years old), which I have now told her I will “give her” (keeping thinking about the line in that Sting song – “if you love someone, set them free”).
Trying to get through the holidays but very melancholy given this will be our “last” holiday as a nuclear family (we are actually getting along really well now that the pressure is off for me to be paranoid and I guess for her to be in contact with OM (who she claims is no longer the “OM” but a “friend she cares about” - she did say that "now that is isn't "taboo", the charger isn't there for her anymore - pretty f***ed up).
She still doesn't understand why my “boundary” has been no contact with the OM and doesn’t get why we never had a chance as long as there was that contact.
Feeling relieved that I can soon be independent myself again and not be burdened by her overspending, moodiness, and chaotic lifestyle.
Any advice on how to move forward appreciated…mostly journaling this and wanting some of those that really helped me through this 2+ year process to know how it is ending (Puppy, Robx, True Gritter, and all the others)…am feeling relief that this is not going to hang over me anymore and I can work to move on with my life.
Together: 12 years Married: 10 years Me: 44 Her: 42 PA suspected: 12/09 PA discovered: 2/1/10 PA rediscovered: 3/11 “Piecing”: 3/11-11/11 Confirmed re-contact: 12/4/11 B: 11 B: 7
Wow! Sounds to me like you've given her all the chances in the whole world! Are you saying now that you're done?
Advice.... don't make threats you're not willing to follow through with. If you've asked her to move out and she's agreed - make her do it!!!! She'll keep stepping on you if you don't follow through.
If she wants this independence, she'll have to take the good with the bad.
If she can't respect your boundary of NC... then she's not the one for you. It should matter to your PARTNER when something isn't okay with you, especially when that's an A.
Chin up! There is light at the end of the tunnel.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Wow! Sounds to me like you've given her all the chances in the whole world! Are you saying now that you're done?
Advice.... don't make threats you're not willing to follow through with. If you've asked her to move out and she's agreed - make her do it!!!! She'll keep stepping on you if you don't follow through.
If she wants this independence, she'll have to take the good with the bad.
If she can't respect your boundary of NC... then she's not the one for you. It should matter to your PARTNER when something isn't okay with you, especially when that's an A.
Chin up! There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Funny couple of days - she's acting like nothing is up, saying multiple "i love yous" a day, lots of texting, "snuggling" me at night, etc...is she trying to turn this around or just in denial right now, I'm not sure.
(Tonight at dinner w/ the whole family, was talking about activities in the "future tense" - all very weird to me given just last week she was confirming "this is the right thing to do"...wonder if the reality of the situation is kicking in or something and she's getting scared/worried about really being apart - I don't know.
Tempted to jump in tonight and tell her where I'm at (needing to separate - am seeing a lawyer this week or early next week, back to seeing my IC, who, despite being very "pro-marriage", doesn't see any hope here given the multiple number of chances she's had)...at the point now I don't really know what to believe coming out of her mouth.
Any insight, anyone, who remembers the initial conversations with your spouse (or now ex-spouse) about separating (especially those with kids)? That's the part that's so hard in all of this...
Clue me in on this "light at the end of the tunnel"
Its up to you when and how often you'll allow this yoyo effect with her. Have you guys tried separating before? If not, tell her that you can no longer do "more of the same thing." Something needs to be different this time. Separation can give you guys some perspective.
Before you jump into it, talk to your lawyer and your counselor first. I suggest you come up with a plan that you believe is fair. She needs to move out to explore this "independence" thing. Work out something on how you both will handle the kids. Have a deadline on when she needs to be out.
I can't stress this enough.... You CANNOT believe what she says... ONLY what she DOES - and even then only about 50% of the time.
Sorry about the light at the end of the tunnel thing. It's hard to see when your swimming in this mess, but once your out of it (and you will be someday one way or the other)... You'll know it was there all along.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Thanks, brenalim...we have not separated before (guess we did for a good part of a week a good year ago but wasn't anything "formal").
definitely get the "not believing what she says" thing - told her point blank i don't know what to believe and not after 2 years of this and multiple times learning this is still going on (electronic contact and at some times even more).
just need to stick to my guns here and not let this drift back - am doing my best to get through our "last" holiday together as a family (potentially) but know this is the right thing to do.
had a good IC session today and also talked to my financial planner, so getting the funds and conversations going (including with a few attorneys that specialize in collaborative divorce) so we can come up with this separation agreement early next year.
so...my W seems to have been struck by amnesia...she is acting like nothing is going on, being very affectionate (even around the kids)...
I've been holding back (trying to get through the holidays) but wondering if others saw the same behavior. She is definitely feeling me disconnect/detach and can tell she feels a bit out of sorts. (The other kinda funny thing is she is doing stuff around the house, trying to be helpful (buying gifts I needed to buy for my staff at work), etc.
Hey NLG - my situation was a bit different than yours, but when we were out in public and around friends or family, he was a different person with me. Touched me more... acted like nothing was wrong. Messed with my emotions a TON!!!
I guess you ask yourself why she's doing these things. Is she not wanting the freedom anymore? If so, are the things she's doing enough? Are you willing to give her a final chance?
If you are, set the ground rules again. Absolutely NO CONTACT with the OM... AND you'll need proof. She'll have to be transparent, willingly for as long as it takes for you guys to rebuild that trust. Couples counseling and IC... etc.
If not, enjoy the extra help... continue detachment... stick to your guns and make her MOVE OUT!!!
It takes three to five years to get over something like this... I wish it could be faster but I guarantee that this time next year... heck in just a few months... you'll notice a difference. No matter how small... progress is still progress. it is up to you how you will live your life from here forward.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Thanks, Brenalim - appreciate it. Did track down your sitch and you have been through a lot - hope you're getting to the other side.
Am struggling now with actually "doing" this (proceeding to separate, divorce, etc., especially concerned about the kids as well as turning everyone's lives "upside down"), but she is not willing to go NC with the OM (who she says is "no longer" an OM but that he is an "important person" to her).
I feel like she is forcing my hand and that I need to proceed down the path to separation/divorce, as I know I couldn't live permanently knowing this was hanging over us (and as I think I mentioned, did discover that just a few weeks ago she went to his bday gathering out of town, where "nothing happened")...
The last thing she suggested was potentially a "short" separation (which I think she thought she would learn that "independence" isn't all she thinks it will be) - of course, don't know if the ulterior motive is the OM (she says it isn't, but at this point, I don't take anything as truth).
I did raise with her my concern that we were confusing our boys by being "normal" around each other (even affectionate) should we potentially turn around and separate (not that we should be screaming at each other), which I think she now gets.
Guess the issue is that we have lots of other issues besides just the OM one, and have been trying to work on them the last 2 years and we haven't really moved the bar, so also feel like even if we could figure out a mechanism to get past this OM nonsense that we have lots of other disconnects.
Heading to my IC and hope to get at some of this stuff with her...have a good holiday, everyone - know it is tough for folks this time of year.
Journaling...had a good Christmas with the family but the same old same old with the W on the going overboard with the kids front for Christmas - W picked up a bunch more stuff than we talked about (or I knew) and she even "forgot" a couple of things she ended up giving them on 12/26.
Same very selfish stuff with her (some of these minor, but just kills me that I'm always supposed to do what she wants to do (and I go along w/ it, so that part is on me), if it's a movie, going shopping, etc.)...need to figure out when to turn to "R" talk (in terms of where we are, me wanting to separate, etc.)...
2 years of limbo have definitely worn me down and, selfishly, I have a lot of work travel coming this year and worried how any agreement would look upon that if it the kids would stay in the house w/ me (maybe a live in nanny or some other "mother's/father's helper" plus friends (and my W, of course).
My last IC visit did definitely solidify to me that I've more than bent over backwards while she tried to figure all of this out (and that I do need to enforce my boundary of no contact with the OM if she wants to stay together)...just a little bent that I'm still attracted to her despite all of this (something I am trying to process through myself).
Happy almost 2012...looking to be a doozy of a year.
Wow...this separation is "on" and man, is this going to be hard.
Had been trying to get through the week but we took our kids to ice skate (neither of us were skating) and she brought up wanting to stay a few days with her friend (not her OM "friend", but who even knows at this point - her friend recently ended a long-term relationship and has her own place) and that's when all of this stuff pored out of me (in public, no less - not my finest moments) - just told her very pointedly that I will not accept any OM contact and that she has known that for a while and that finding out a few weeks ago that she had seen him was the last straw for me and that I couldn't be with someone that doesn't tell the truth.
She then asked what that means and I said we need to go forward with separating...I did ask her if she saw anything else that could be done at this point, and she agreed she didn't.
she is going to go to her "friend's" for a few days and I'll have my boys, so will get a small dose of what single parenthood will feel like...just still very sad for my boys thinking about what is going to unravel over the next few months.
just amazing that she isn't taking any ownership of this (but i guess that's what WAW/MLCs do)...she could have averted this but for whatever reason the pull of this OM (and an "independent" life) is taking precedence over everything else.
will probably be good to have a few days away from each other (for both of our sanity) - it has been very uncomfortable the last few days...have some fun stuff planned with my boys (and need to get some work done)!
am glad this is "out there" now (having held this in the last week) but man, this is going to be hard.
