First post, words of wisdom needed

[sunshine76]

Journal:

Well, I got a job this week and I also joined a meetup group that does various types of volunteer work. I'm sure these two things will not make it to the DBing hall of fame, but right now I guess babysteps are better than none at all.

I feel like my partner may be having a midlife crisis. She is working insane hours and totally exhausted. She has had so many traumatic things happen throughout her life which she has never dealt with. She has tried a couple of diffrent therapist, but hasn't had much luck with them.

The other day she asked me to make her a doctors appointment because she wanted to try anti-depressants. I'm not sure if they will help, but I guess they can't hurt.

I have been trying to be there for her by doing little things that will take some of the stress off of her plate i.e. cleaning and doing her laundry. I hate seeing her so stressed/tired and I am worried about her health, but I am not sure if I am shooting myself in the foot by trying to take care of her? It seems like all of her energy is spent on just trying to get through each day that she probably doesn't even notice the things that I have been trying to do to help her out.

She is talking to me more than she was a couple of weeks ago, granted it is about her work and the dogs, but atleast it is something. She hasn't asked me one thing about my life in months. I guess this is normal??

I can see now where this is going to be the toughest challenge that I have ever faced and I am just wondering how I am going to find the strength to get through it.

I'm wishing everyone out there peace of mind and happy thoughts!

[2thepoint]

Hey Sunshine! Really glad to hear that you landed a job and have some other activities planned outside of your sitch! Having something to do that will keep your mind occupied is going to be so key for you during this difficult time.

It sounds like your partner is going through some tough times and I am a little conflicted about how to guide you in your interactions with her. DB techniques suggest you get a life which you are doing and detach which you aren't doing so much. What you may find as you go along is that as you continue to be there for her, she will continue to not be there for you and you will grow to resent her as a result.

I think you should try to detach some, let her deal with her issues as much as possible and it may actually be easy for you to do this once you start working and engage in your other activities.

Have you considered what your 180's should be? If so, what have you done in this regard.

Yes, this is going to be a long, hard slog and you should not expect any overnight results. There will be moments of clarity only to be quickly overcome by the fog of whatever your partner is going through. Be ready. Be strong. We're here to help when you need us.

[CO1978]

She is talking to me more than she was a couple of weeks ago, granted it is about her work and the dogs, but atleast it is something. She hasn't asked me one thing about my life in months. I guess this is normal??

Thats pretty much the norm. The WAS can only think of themselves. Just give her your undivided attention, try not to talk about yourself. Just listen and ask her questions about what she is telling you. Try to keep positive around her, mask your sadness. Its very hard to watch the person you love totally disregard you, but that is our life as the LBS.

[sunshine76]

Thank you both for responding!

2thepoint, you are right I need to start detaching because I am slipping back into my puppy dog ways of trying to find excuses to talk to her, going out of my way to do sweet things for her... Like you said, I will end up resenting her because I am doing %110 percent of the giving.

As far as 180's go I am now always upbeat around her (I used to be extremely moody and she said she always felt like she was walking on egg shells). I am trying to get a life of my own because I definetely used to smoother her. Everything used to have to be done my way or else it wasn't the right way. I now see that, that was controlling and it really hurt her feelings so now I have just started trying to give her little compliments on how she does things...

I admittedly need to get some of my backbone back though because I feel like I have turned into a really weak person by trying to cater to her every whim and I know for a fact that she does not find this attractive in people.

Thanks for the support. I have been reading through some of your post and I hope everything is going well for you

[CO1978]

Sunshine, it does sound like we are in very similar situations. I had a perfectionist attitude and W felt I was controlling and she was walking on eggshells. I made a guide for myself on how I will handle this. I make changes to it as often as I need to, and I look over it everyday. My Goal is to make them into habits, and make the changes permanent. A lot of stuff is said over and over again, this is an example for my situation, and things I know I need to work on. Obviously, I can't do everything on there right now, but I work on what I can with her, and will just hope I can use the rest when the time is right.

·Quit Drinking

·Control of Money
*Separate bank accounts
*Do not say “No, we can’t afford it” say “We can look into it, maybe put some money aside and get it after a future pay”
*I am not sole provider, can’t justify buying something for her that is just as expensive or more expensive as her wanting to buy something for herself, S, or all of us.

·Communication
*Actively Listen, Openly Talk about anything and everything
*No more putting up “walls” Is there something wrong? If I am acting like there is something wrong maybe there is, TALK about it regardless
*If we disagree on something or have a fight “I see what you mean, I don’t necessarily agree, but I understand.”
*Positive Reinforcement: The answer is NEVER NO! If she is having a bad day, find something good about it. Don’t point out negatives in her work, unless she asks for judgment
*Respect her decisions and opinions / we are equal in decisions *NEVER SAY NO! We can talk about it, and agree on it.
*NEVER ASSUME
*Never take her for granted

·Stop trying to be a perfectionist
*Everybody has their own view of perfection, there is no perfection, don’t expect perfection
*Do set agreements on standards with each other
*Share housework (do it together) so we both know each other’s standards
*ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

·Show her my feelings
*Random small stuff, like nurturing her when she is sick, flowers just because, a note that says “I love you”, ect.
*Reciprocate “I Love You” every time
*Hug and kiss her on hellos and goodbyes, Kiss her and say “Goodnight”
*Appreciate everything she does; don’t point out negatives when she does something for me, Say “Thank You.”
*Night out just 2 of us at least once a month/ once a week even better
*If she asks to go somewhere with her GO! (Hiking, visit parents/grandparents, park, store, ect)
*Get involved with her interests
*Give her the best of you
*Spend more time with her family, she loves them, I should too

·Become Best Friends
*First one she wants to talk to, first one I want to talk to.
*Activities together or as a family as much as possible.
*Night out just 2 of us at least once a month/ once a week even better
*If she asks to go somewhere with her GO! (Hiking, visit parents/grandparents, park, store, ect)
*Try new stuff (camping, mountain biking, rafting, skiing, play in the snow)
*Get involved with her interests
*Give her the best of you

·“WALKING ON EGGSHELLS”
*ALWAYS THINK: She said how depressed I made her feel, her thoughts of suicide were because of me. SHE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW SHE FEELS, ONLY W CAN MAKE W HAPPY
*How I can help her trust me again:
*Quit drinking: no more nastiness
*No more perfectionist attitude
*Control Anger (don’t take things personal, it’s NOT her fault don’t make her feel like it is)
*If I am upset, let her know why!! Don’t push her away
*Accept I am wrong at times (my opinion is not the only opinion), and not be offended by it (don’t take things personal)
*Appreciate everything she does; NEVER point out negatives or what else she could do when she does something for me
*SAY THANK YOU!!!!!! Give her a hug and kiss to show her I appreciate her
*DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONAL: Started to wear wedding band to work, inmates can’t bother me if I don’t take things personal

[sunshine76]

Hey CO, you have put together an amazing list! Thank you for sharing it. I hope you don't mind if I borrow some of your ideas

[sunshine76]

Journaling:

I am just wondering if the DBing principles still apply when you are dealing with a partner that is extremely depressed and has PTSD? I am so scared to detach because I feel like she really needs me right now and if I am not there she will find someone else or resent me for it in the future. One of her complaints about me is that there have been times in the past when she needed me and I was not there.

I feel like whatever I do is going to be the wrong thing. When I do nice things for her she seems to appreciate it, but when I go out and do my own thing she seems to respond even more positively (I guess I have my answer).

I have never played Chess, but I imagine it must feel something like this. Always trying to figure out if you are making the right move and anticipating how your opponent is going to respond. I can see how it would be an appealing game, but the real life version suxs.

Well now that I have vented I am going to try to turn my mood around and enjoy a beautiful So. Cal day!

[CO1978]

I am in the same sitch. Luckily my W is going to IC for it. I try not to bring up anything about her PTSD or Depression, I just ask her id the counseling sessions (well so far she only went to 1, and is scheduled to go again in a week) are going well. I act "as if" around her, keep smiling and always look her in her eyes when we talk. I hope that comforts her. I just hope she when she is ready she will open up more to me, but until then I will continue to "small" talk with her. Heck you got to start somewhere. (Right now goal is to be friends, then "boyfriend & girlfriend", then best friends.)

[sunshine76]

Hey CO1978, you are right we definetly have to start somewhere. I have been doing pretty much the same thing as you i.e. being up beat, more laid back, eye contact...

I am starting to notice that the fake it till you make it thing really does work. I have noticed that I am becoming a happier person overall. Don't get me wrong I still have alot of sh!tty moments/days, but for the first time in my life I am beginning to understand that I am in control of my own happiness.

[techguy]

Journal:
I feel like my partner may be having a midlife crisis. She is working insane hours and totally exhausted. She has had so many traumatic things happen throughout her life which she has never dealt with. She has tried a couple of diffrent therapist, but hasn't had much luck with them.

The other day she asked me to make her a doctors appointment because she wanted to try anti-depressants. I'm not sure if they will help, but I guess they can't hurt.

Keep in mind that there are both anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. Both can work, but I think it is easier to imagine how anti-anxiety meds work. I'm on anti-anxiety meds and they work really well. They just make you care a little bit less about the tough stuff. Sort of like when you have a drink or two. (But you're not drunk!)

You partner could need anti-depressants, but she might need anti-anxiety. Working like a dog and exhausting yourself is more like too much anxiety. Depressed people usually get lethargic and withdraw. I'm no psycholgist, but just wanted to point out the options.