Never thought I'd be here......part 2

[keep_going]

Crimson and NLW,

I totally relate to how you both feel about our spouses preferring to live w/o our children than to reconcile with us and wonder how is that possible. I used to obsess with thoughts like this all the time and now I am trying very hard not to think that. If I am completely honest with myself, I then have to admit that my H is NOT really preferring to live w/o the kids, he just cannot see himself living with ME, so he feels he has to sacrifice time with his kids to keep them away from the toxic relationship we had in our M.
And to be honest, the way I was acting, with my anger, detachment from him and all the issues we had, I can see now how he felt this way. I understand clearly what his state of mind was when he walked away.

NLW mentions how her H felt "stuck." I heard the same - my husband literally told me he felt "trapped" in our marriage and it took him a long time to come to the decision to leave. What held him back? He said that he stayed as long as he did for the kids. He said that finally he came to a point where he just could not do it any longer.

Granted - he has also revised our marital history somewhat - he now cannot remember any good things about our 13 years of marriage, but there is a lot of truth in his description of our dysfunctional relationship. (Plus he also started an EA that I believe in my heart also helped him make the decision to give up and leave).

Anyways, I try not to focus on that - although it pains me to think about what we are both missing out and what our family could be, it's just too painful and I now choose to focus on what I can do to change his view of me and our R. I want him to start trusting me again and feel comfortable around me as a first step. Then, time will tell - I am letting go and letting God.

I have three young children and like you, I hope that our kids will also be a strong bond that will eventually help turn the tide in my favor and eventually have my H choose me and our family instead of OW. Although I have to keep reminding myself that IF this is going to happen, it will take a long time, lots of patience and a lot of work on myself.

I do know now that if this doesn't happen, I will become a better person for all the changes I am working on right now. The hard part for me, is to detach to the point of believing that my marriage is over. I am definitely not at that point. I still adore my H, and still hold hope for a future together.

I hope you guys continue to find strength as we continue this journey, becoming better people every day.
KG