Never thought I'd be here......part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks NLW and 25.

25, what responses were you referring to? I might have missed them.......
Also, you hit the nail on the head regarding my concerns. I have no idea how to show her I see her perspective now.

I THINK I posted the possible replies to you. These are the "standard replies" of the LBSer when the WAS revises the marital history to justify leaving the m.

Sorry if I posted this elsewhere ,but I thought it was you...ANYHOW here they are.

If the marital history is SO revised that you don't recognize it, like you think it did not happen at all or at all like THEY SAY, you don't call them a liar (thank God for this advice b/c I almost did call my h a liar for one of his revisions but damn if he wasn't right. The KIDS remembered it more his way and I am glad I gave the DB reply instead of challenging h...)

So the answer to a revision of hers, of an event that you REALLY don't agree with, is:
"Wow w, I sure don't recall it that way, but I'm sorry if you were hurt/upset by it"...


The answer to a historical revision that you DO agree with, and OR perhaps you feel bad about a mistake of yours, or a behavior you want to change, is:

"W, Yes and if I had it to do over again, there are a LOT of things I'd do differently..."


Neither answer escalates or argues. Both answers show possible change, especially the latter one. Neither answer is a doormat answer either.


These replies ^^ became my mantras in difficult discussions. When h would press me for an answer and I felt angry, or reluctant to say how I really felt (b/c contrary to what some men think, I am GLAD MY H CANNOT READ MY MIND...)

I would say "I hear you, and I get what you are saying, but I need some time to ponder all this before I can answer so I don't give you an answer I'm not sure of..."


Interesting 180 ( kinda like yours) from our text exchange last night. She asked me if I was getting video of our son. I said of course because now I take my camera every with me when he is with me. She replied "good, you used to dread when I would take pictures all the time". Instead of letting that blow by or worse, being snarky I simply said "well, now I don't want to miss any of his life. I see why you were always taking pictures.". No real response to that, but I hope it hit home.

no response IS a response. You did well. That's the type of interaction that shows change.

Do NOT attach expectation to her "response" yet b/c she's not sure what to make of this new stuff you are doing. That's ok!

You are not being predictable, and you are not being defensive. YAY!!! Her noticing that is enough for now. And she is noticing, trust me.

I also doubt her original comment about the camera was meant as a shot, so much as an observation of mild surprise on her end. That's alright too...Crimson these are small but positive steps. Realistically - that's the best you can hope for now.

Got an unsolicited blackberry picture of the baby trying to eat with chopsticks tonight. I replied with a heart and a smiley. It sure doesn't mean that we are "all good" but it least it is a nice gesture considering she knows how much I miss him.

Crimson

you both miss him and you both realize the other misses him....this is NOT bad.