Never thought I'd be here......part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Crimson, Same thoughts here.

I cannot grasp how reconciling with me would be harder/more painful than living without our children.

It just goes to show that I still haven't understood what the problem is, I suppose.


But you have different situations NLW, albeit with some basics in common. In your situation NLW, if I recall correctly, your h has serious issues that have little to do with you.

With Crimson, it's a mix of things he is owning now and his wifes stuff. She has her work to do. But if I understand your question Crimson, is that you are troubled b/c you feel you NOW "GET IT" about what your role was

and you are not sure your wife knows that you get it.

Therefore, how can she know that you would have a better/different marriage than before?

That's always the question and Challenge, along with making sure you demonstrate that marriage to you now, & from this day forward would be better/different.

Those replies I suggested to you (per my DB coach years ago) will help when she brings up the past. She WILL do that if she pushes the divorce ahead...and you will be able to show that change.


Something that helps me deal with it a little is the idea that my H feels 'stuck' in our relationship. The only thing he can think to do is to run away in order to overcome this crushing feeling. It's as if he feels he has no choice if he is to survive...

Most WAS's feel they are doing a self preservation act, if they leave a marriage in which the LBSer wants to work on things. MOST don't make the choice lightly
and that is especially true with WASs who leave and have no OPs in their lives.
What "cures"that?

IF they are to be healed, they'll need to do THEIR work and they will do at least some b/c they want peace inside too. But as for what gets them to think things would be better in the marriage-- only time + consistent change on your end, will change their belief

so they accept that you are different and therefore the m could be good again.

Patience and consistency on your end (your work) is what you have control over, nothing else. Accept that.

In my case, I changed a great deal. I needed to let go of my anger b/c it was hurting MY LIFE and consuming me, and not doing a dang thing for my r with h.

Our interactions re finances and the kids also changed a lot. Money had been a source of conflict we did not do well with before, but I helped change that dynamic.

I can give one small example of a huge 180 I did. I now think it was the beginning of us finding our way back...

H had left for his fellowship (which I was very hurt by and thought was a direct slap in the face/threat to our m). Unbeknownst to me, he had stopped paying the bills, which he had done for over 20 years.

One day shortly after he left, our electricity was being cut off, which I told him. (But right before we spoke, I had a DB coach session, thank God.)

H's first response was an unusually selfish one (like if his credit was hurt) but I let that slide (180#1 for me)

and then I said something about how I did not know I needed to pay that bill & that it was upsetting to have a power guy come to disconnect.

He angrily retorted "Now you know what it's like b/c I've paid the bills for 20 years!"

I took a breath & I said, "and I want to thank you for that, b/c I know how stressful it is now."
(180#2 for me and a big one)
A long pause followed, like maybe 10 full seconds, and then h said "you're welcome." We got off the phone and I'm positive he was shocked by that interaction.

More months passed, like a good year...and I detached...at first with grief but then I decided to be happy no matter what. I really did. I saw my aunt do it after a long marriage ended with her h's death. She grieved and grieved but finally picked herself up and dusted herself off and moved forward, joining groups and working at a new job. She has a nice new younger boyfriend and is very happy now. She's 70! And she is my role model.

Only when I detached and began believing my m was over and that I was going to be alright anyhow, (which took TIME) did my h begin to show an awakening. It's a paradox, I know.

But he had time to reflect on his own, and let good times resurface in his recall. He didnt see himself as such a victim but I don't know how he dealt with his guilt then. (Later in Retrovaille I learned about it but that was years later). Back then he'd reach out to the kids and me and got a better reception than he expected, perhaps.

But I let him know what he was missing. There was no cake eating b/c he was losing out, not me...


And yes, I share your hope about having a better relationship with our spouses in the future. Our kids will surely be a big part of it.

NLW

kids are the bond you have. Knowing another person cares as much about your kids as you do, DOES bond you. Embrace that.

Don't assume they don't care. In fact, try hard to assume the best of your spouse, without having expectations.

Hard to explain- but it sure helps to Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth.