Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - EVEN BETTER

[sunshine76]

Hi Val, I have been reading your posts and I have to say that you truly are an inspiration.

I am very new to this whole seperation/divorce thing so I can't really offer you much help with marriage advice, but I learned a great deal about grief after my mom died and I think it applies to divorce as well. I think some of the best advice I received from my therapist is to give yourself permission to have a bad day or a bad moment... From reading your posts it sounds like you have made great strides given the crappy hand that you have been dealt, so basically I guess my very unprofessional advice to you would be to let yourself feel however you are feeling and don't kick yourself in the a$$ for it.

Hang in there tomorrow is a new day!

[westcoastfella]

I agree with sunshine's advice -- you've got to let those feelings come when they come, just as long as you're not drowning in them, either. In the days when my emotions were turbulent, I let out my feelings when they were just too strong to hold back, but I also knew the difference when I was letting stuff out because I had to and when I was staying mired in it when I knew I could just as easily do something else instead.

"Stinkin' thinkin'" is indeed hard to stop, but it gets easier with practice, believe me. All you have to do is remind yourself that you can either think about your W and allow yourself to waste your time & energy on her, or you can switch your focus to something else. In a time when we feel most like a victim, you'll find that this simple choice gives you back your power. Every time a thought about my W comes into my head, I think, "No, not going to let her have any control over me anymore," then think about something else. It's freeing.

I also think it's perfectly fine to look good but not bubbly in interactions with your W. We don't want to look fake or weird. The important thing is appearing strong, confident, and capable of not letting your life be controlled by this one thing.

[Valeska19]

So here was my interaction with w:

I was running late. I wrote her a text but forgot to hit send. She called and was like "Where r u?" I apologized and asked if she got my text. I then re-apologized again when I entered AAA.

Upon arriving.. I was distant. 1 - I've put in 150-160 hrs of work in the past 10 days. 2 - I couldn't stop crying all day so DBing was really hard.

She asked if I was okay - I said yes and that I was working alot and very tired. This is after she looked at me from head to toe to head.

She made small talk and asked about the job. She ended up paying for the title transfer. I didn't even pull out my wallet.

We sat down after to talk about the next step. I said I couldn't do anything because I was going out of town until the 2nd wk of January. She said "I assume you are going home for the holidays".. I didn't respond.

I was still very tired and fighting tears when we walked out the door. She mentioned to me that she was staying in LA this year for Christmas (I didn't ask anything about it)... so I asked if her mom was coming to visit her.. she said no... and said "Christmas will be very interesting this year".

I said nothing.

Then I told her about the 20 kid count for my party. I told her because I was tired of feeling crappy and wanted to act as if. She said awesome but made no mention of her offer to help.

I did not remind her.

We ended with her hugging me. She told me to have a good holiday break. To enjoy my trip home or whereever I was going..

I said nothing except "you too".

Of course I cried a good bit afterwards with my mom on the phone. This is always my reaction.

But now that I've settled down a bit.. I can digest a little.

I think I fairly did a good job DBing. I did feel weird about talking about the party.. but it was better than crying.

I definitely didn't tell her to try and "connect" with her.

I find the Christmas stuff interesting and I'm happy with my responses.

I find all her efforts to make small talk lately when we see each other interesting.

After all we did just come off of 6 months not talking.

I do not know what is going on in her head. I try not to guess.. but there is a part of me that thinks she is interested in who I am and What I'm doing....

.... Does that mean we will get back together or stop the D.. I don't really think so at this point.

...... BUT maybe I'm just started to see a few little flower buds from the seeds I've been planting.

[2thepoint]

Xena, you sound like you are exhausted. Working 150+ hours will do that to you. It may also explain the emotional state you find yourself in.

The other day I was sick and extremely dehydrated but had to make a visit over to the house to do something with the kids. As has been my habit, whenever I go over to the house, I try to look my best, be upbeat, etc. Except this time, my W says 2TP, you look like crap!

My point is that it sounds like you were doing your best DB efforts but if you look as exhausted as you sound, you aren't going to win any Sexiest Person Alive awards. And your wife may end up thinking that you look the way you do because of her and not because of the many hours you've been putting in at work.

So try to slow down a little and get some rest. You need to get yourself back into Warrior Princess form.

Hang in there!

[antlers]

"Stinkin' thinkin'" is indeed hard to stop, but it gets easier with practice, believe me. All you have to do is remind yourself that you can either think about your W and allow yourself to waste your time & energy on her, or you can switch your focus to something else. In a time when we feel most like a victim, you'll find that this simple choice gives you back your power. Every time a thought about my W comes into my head, I think, "No, not going to let her have any control over me anymore," then think about something else. It's freeing.
The important thing is appearing strong, confident, and capable of not letting your life be controlled by this one thing.

Good advice. It doesn't happen on it's own...you have to put forth much effort and take positive actions to make this happen.

[Valeska19]

Hi Val, I have been reading your posts and I have to say that you truly are an inspiration. give yourself permission to have a bad day or a bad moment... From reading your posts it sounds like you have made great strides given the crappy hand that you have been dealt, so basically I guess my very unprofessional advice to you would be to let yourself feel however you are feeling and don't kick yourself in the a$$ for it.

Thank you Sunshine for your kind words! You are right.. some days I just need to let myself feel things. Will Stop by your thread soon.

"Stinkin' thinkin'" is indeed hard to stop, but it gets easier with practice, believe me. All you have to do is remind yourself that you can either think about your W and allow yourself to waste your time & energy on her, or you can switch your focus to something else. In a time when we feel most like a victim, you'll find that this simple choice gives you back your power. Every time a thought about my W comes into my head, I think, "No, not going to let her have any control over me anymore," then think about something else. It's freeing.

This makes sense and I don't usually let it get me down. I think with the holidays and the exhaustion.. I didn't have the strength to fight it.

Xena, you sound like you are exhausted. Working 150+ hours will do that to you. It may also explain the emotional state you find yourself in.

I don't disagree with you there.

My point is that it sounds like you were doing your best DB efforts but if you look as exhausted as you sound, you aren't going to win any Sexiest Person Alive awards. And your wife may end up thinking that you look the way you do because of her and not because of the many hours you've been putting in at work.

That's possible but highly unlikely. My w knows what my "filming"exhaustion looks like. I can fall asleep anywhere.

Plus..I was pretty upbeat.It was more that I was having a hard time functioning... than looking like crap. I did still manage to laugh and stuff...

So try to slow down a little and get some rest. You need to get yourself back into Warrior Princess form. :whistle

Absolutely true. I plan on it when I go home for 3 wks. I just needed to work as much as possible.

Getting back to the Warrior Princess form is necessary... although I will keep my blonde hair!

[westcoastfella]

It sounds like you handled yourself very well in that interaction despite the fatigue -- just means you were giving off the appearance of going on with your life and staying busy, which is still attractive!

I will agree, your W's desire for small talk is weird. I keep running into that during my own sitch. We think, "You're D-ing me and running my heart into the ground, and here you are wanting to chat like old buddies?"

I think they do this to try and get a feel for what we're like without them. There is no doubt in my mind that your W, despite her chilly behavior, still wonders what life might be with you, and perhaps even misses some parts of that old life...

You're right to try not to guess what's going on in your W's head. Too much like trying to find the meaning in a Jackson Pollock painting.

[Valeska19]

I think they do this to try and get a feel for what we're like without them. There is no doubt in my mind that your W, despite her chilly behavior, still wonders what life might be with you, and perhaps even misses some parts of that old life...

This makes sense. I guess only time will tell if she misses me enough to move towards me....

.... lately I've been having a hard time standing still. Part of me is ready to just walk away.

I'm sure that's because of yesterday.

Journal

My Christmas party was a success. It was a little stressful at times. The children were quite sly with their gift selections. Between coordinating lists with people, trading them out, taking gifts to the care.. it was alot. I didn't even get to shop for my kids until 5 hrs in.

I let the stress pretty much roll off of my back.. especially when it got to the point that I couldn't put another toy in my trunk. It was fantastic!

The joy however did not come w/o sadness and especially not w/o anger. My w, who said she wanted to help, didn't. She did reach out to me on Saturday telling me to have a good day and to reiterate how awesome it was. I made some brief small talk about how great it was that God was using me to spread love but left it at that.

This is me venting....

.... I guess I'm angry at her because I was completely prepared to do this event w/o her. I made the decision in my mind. Was completely prepared and then she reaches out to me about not once, but twice.

And I got my hopes up. Not that she would be involved with me.. but that she wouldn't back out of it. That she would put her fear aside and just do it for the kids.

.... I'm also angry that if she was going to back out.. she could have sent me a text. Anytime she has backed out or changed plans since Separation.. I have understood. I could have completely understood it if she would have said "Val.. I know I said I would help, but I can't for x reason." That would have been fine... but this is same thing she did with our rockclimbing adventure in July. That's 5 months ago. I was hoping we would be past that.

I mean I am trying to be so understanding of her and where she is in her 12 steps.. but I mean.. she has been in the program for almost 17 months.. when is she going to be accountable for her actions towards me?

When will she decide to treat me like all her new friends or new people in her life? I can't imagine her bailing on them.

25 - am I being selfish here? Is my timeline off? I guess I'm asking you because you have successful worked a program.

I'm trying to be supportive but this crap hurts. Hit me with a 2x4 or something!

So the first two have to do with her and where she is in her journey - but thirdly I am mad that because of this situation.. I had to battle myself all day yesterday.

I had to battle my co-dependency all day. Texting her asking her why she blew me off or saying - "hey - if you still want to help, we could really use extra wrapping paper".

It was soo hard to not reach out to her as I have always done in the past 9 yrs. To reach down and grab her because she has always been too scared to reach out her own hand.

I just wanted to enjoy the day... and I couldn't because I was fighting my codependency.

And yes I am mad at her and yes I'm purely reacting right now.

But I need to vent so I let go and see how much joy this weekend brought.

It inspired 20 people in LA to buy gifts for children.
It inspired people on this board to get involved in their area.
It inspired my 12 yr old nephew to buy a kid with his own money
It inspired my sister to throw a neighborhood kid party for another 20 kids.

And even though yesterday was probably one of the hardest days in a LONG time... I did overcome my co-dependent behavior. God continues take care of me in that way.

Okay... I'm starting to feel better.

[Rick1963]

Val did you do this to serve the kids? For u? Or To get W to notice? You tell me give with out expectations and I hear that ,not easy to do. I also care for you . Vent my friend we will always back you up. This is our lifeline we get to air out our darkest secret and everyone supports us with love care and 2x4.

Feelings I thought I had them in check. I serve about 1000 kids a year some commit suicide others murder. I never came home and talked about it never really talked about it at work. Nothing to say after a 12 year old hangs himself. Guess venting is healthy.

[Valeska19]

I didn't do it to get W to notice me. I figured that she would notice but I didn't expect her to reach out to me at all. Up until a month ago, my w and I didn't talk and it surely wasn't pleasant conversation.

I did it for both the kids and myself. My wife and I adopted a family for Christmas last year. and my parents always supported families every year. I love giving. It's very easy to put myself last.

When I began my internal struggle on how to do this year without backsliding in my own growth or putting myself through so much pain.. the party is what I came up with.

I tried very hard to stay focused on those kids... I still am trying to stay focused on them.....

..... conquering my own sickness is not easy. I wish I didn't idolize my w and that I didn't wrap all my hopes, dreams, expectations, and self worth into one person.

But I did.. and now I have to break it. Did I grow stronger yesterday when I decided to not give her power by contacting her.. yes... was I strong enough to not let it affect me at all.. no.

I know I will get there. Thank you for the 2x4 and for asking the hard questions.