DBing against OW...?????

[mishka422]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry this is hitting so hard. You are handling it like a trooper and I understand there are moments when it just feels like it will never end.

It seems to me like his admitting he has treated you badly opened up a lot of the wounds you had been working to heal. Picking a scab doesn't lead to immediate healing. Can you try looking at his apology as an attempt at closure? It may help to stop the spinning in your mind.

Remind me, do you have an individual C still?

[imthemom]

I dont know whats got me more upset...the text or the fact that on the 19th we very well could be signing D papers...if we agree on everything, which im pretty sure we will..we will sign the papers and it will be done as soon as the 6 month waiting period is over which would be in beginning of May.
I had anxiety attack this morning realizing that. Thinking today that I need to stop wishing and hopeing that this can be fixed. He has made it clear he is not interested. and what other proof do I need then the fact that he is in a whole new relationship. First he called her his "girlfriend" and now he is down playing it by saying he doesnt flaunt her and we will never run into them around town. I dont know what to think..friends say he is giving me mixed signals but I think he is just going back and forth between guilt and anger. either way he has said over and over again, he is done, he wants the divorce and he does not want to work on anything with me. ive never been one who needed to be hit over the head twice....why am i taking it over and over again now???

[MynameisMZ]

ITM,

[MynameisMZ]

HUH?...what happened?

Anyway! I hope I have not missed anything, but if I were you, I would go to my H and tell him what I want.
Ask for more time. LET HIM KNOW how much you love him.

My 180 was to move IN, not out. And I wrote a letter that stated everything I KNOW I did wrong in our M and how I was working on changing it.

What I have learned is that it is harder to change ourselves than to want and work for our partners to change.

And you know.....if he doesn't accept it, then you have your answer. At that point you can start to heal, start to rebuild you. We'll be here.

[imthemom]

MZ..
I have actually been considering that all day..im thinking about at our co parenting session on monday night, just laying it out there and asking if he is willing to commit the last 6 sessions we have to fully focus on us and seeing were it goes..but he would have to end this thing with OW..not sure if your aware of that fact...i would tell him im not saying stop the D or anything but jyst both of us commit to seeing if there is anything left.
I offered this 3 months ago and he turned it down flat..im almost sure he will again...but what do i have to lose at this point??

And then i panic, and think i cannot take the rejection again.....
I dont know...thoughts anyone???
Let me have it....

[keep_going]

ITM,

I don't have a lot of experience with this, but from what you say, you already offered to him to commit to you 3 months ago and he rejected that offer. Do you feel you have leverage to get him to give you a different answer at this time? I would really think about that. Because if you don't, he might just feel more pressure and you may drive him farther away.

You mentioned that you would ask him to commit to 6 sessions, but that he would have to end things with OW. My H also has an OW that he is very much in love with . So my question would be - what would your H's motivation be for ending it with OW now? I don't know how serious his R with her is, but what if he says no? Then what? All I have read is to let As run their course. Probably the hardest thing to do for me, but I am trying.

The more I have opposed to OW and talked about her with H, the more he runs to her and far away from me. I think I am finally understanding that I have to get out of the way. I cannot control his R with her and he is not going to end it because I ask him so. Why? Because right now, today, he doesn't want me, he wants her. Period. And as depressing as that is, and as rejected and put aside as that makes me feel, I cannot control H. But I can control how I feel about it. So for now, because it's so hard to deal with, I put a stop sign and just try to get them out of my head.

That's all I can manage now re. OW, so that is all I do. Step aside and try to get them out of my head to not obsess. As time goes by, I might be able to deal with that differently.

In your case, it sounds like your H is already going to the sessions with you willingly. So why not continue going with him, without asking for a "firm" 6-session commitment? My feeling is that if the sessions are productive, there would be no reason for him to change his mind. I would just try to play it low key so he doesn't feel pressured. Why the need to "talk" about going? Just continue going and use those sessions to improve, change and show more 180s...

I soooo wished my H would even consider attending any kind of counseling with me... So take advantage of that!

Instead of seeing these as a waste of time, think about what you would like to tackle in each session and come prepared and armed for a very successful 1-hr. session with your H. I would strongly recommend talking to a DB coach and getting their opinion, setting goals and figure out how to get the most out of each meeting.

So I guess my humble advice to you would be - no R talks (except for what you guys discuss in counseling), no ultimatums, no begging. I just don't know that at this point your H would respond favorably. Instead, let the actions speak for themselves...
Hang in there! ((( )))

[imthemom]

I know...i slept on it and realize this am that it is a horible idea..nothing has changed to make me think he would give a different answer. Its more logical to except that this is over and move on....still trying to figure out how to do that. every day it gets a little easier but this week was a back slide...clinging to much to the text he sent, finding the little notes he had left me...I miss him so much, getting the tree for the first time without him was hard. and watching my S14 suffer threw it was worse...thinking that we are hurting so badly and he is having the time of his life with this girl is killing me so I just have to stop with that thinking.
Hes moved on, he cant show it any plainer then he is...i just wish I knew how he was doing it after 19 yrs...cus I could use some pointers. I guess if I had some studd slobering over me it would be alot easier huh??

[imthemom]

btw..i would love a telephone coach appt before next co parenting session but just cant afford it....
and I never have liked roller coasters.........thinken I should just get off while im on a down hill slide...

[Abbey]

Downhill slides... seems like a bunch of us are on one. I just checked last night into tonight... full moon.

Maybe that's why I feel like howling at it.

Abbey

[imthemom]

Im just gonna be honest cus really? whats the point of trying to get advice here if im not...
I got up this morning and drove by his house to see if OW was there..and of course she was. I KNOW this is stupid...yes I know there is no point in that...i guess I just wanted to know if he was still seeing her and I found out and who feels like crap? me of course. I am causing my own pain at this point and spinning around in what i can only call self pity...(gawd..if 25 sees this she is gonna have a field day!!!!)
i know everyone says this and it sounds so cliche..but i feel like this is a bad dream, ill wake up tomorrow and it will be back to normal, were i can just call him and say "hey, lets quit screwing around and fix this thing, we both love each other and our son so lets just stop being hard headed"....then i remember that he doesnt feel that way anymore...and it starts all over again...
so today, my son and his friend and I are going to our National Cemetery to lay xmas wreaths on vets graves. doing something for someone else will make me feel better and it should be a great morning.
yep..ill just keep saying that over and over........