2nd Thread - After almost 1 year, I keep going

[keep_going]

On Tuesday, after I got back home from the coffee shop, H was putting the kids to bed. I joined him in singing (part of the bedtime routine). He was singing Xmas carols. It's a tradition in his family to sing carols every year on Xmas day, so we know a lot of them. We sang about 15 songs and had a blast. It was like old times. The girls loved it too. When he left he gave me a nice hug and wished me good night. It felt like a nice, friend hug, though.
It's weird - sometimes when we are together, is like nothing has happened and we are still the best friends we had been for so many years...

On Wed night he called and I let it go to voicemail. He said he had a really bad day at work and was wondering if the kids were still awake and he could stop by.
I called him back and told him they were asleep already. I asked about what happened at work and he told me the whole story. We ended up talking for about 30 minutes - about work, how he was getting sick again (he gets sick about 1 or twice a month since he left...), what he was eating for dinner, his aunt's party, etc.

Just nice, mundane, easy-going talk. We joked and it once again felt like old times, old friends and as if nothing was wrong.

On Thursday evening when he arrived, the girls and I were singing and dancing Xmas carols. I had finally fixed my outdoor lights, which looked really nice. He took some photos and texted them to me before coming in... He said they looked great.

I offered him soup for dinner (he looked sick). We ate as a family - the girls loved it and he thanked me for waiting for him to eat.
Then I suggested, if he felt up for it, taking the kids to see the XMas lights at a close-by neighborhood where they go all out. He loved the idea, even though he was sick.

We went and had a good time. At first he was engaged with me and then he slowly pulled away. It's almost like he doesn't want to let himself have a good time with me. He started walking ahead of me, and just focusing on the kids. I let it go and kept having a good time with the kids as well. No drama coming from me, just an easy-going relationship.

When he arrived home, I offered him some homemade banana bread I made with the girls.
Now that I am not working, I am really spending quality time with the kids - I want to give them as much attention, love and fun as possible given our situation. I'm sure it must be weird for H - I was always a working woman, not very domestic and now, it's completely the opposite. I have no idea if he prefers this or not, but I know my kids need me now, so I am happy with my choice, even though it is definitely hurting us financially big time - but that is a topic for another post...

Today he called to make plans for the weekend. He said OW was considering coming to town. I told him I was open to changing my plans to have the kids spend the night with me if he wanted. He declined and said OW would stay with a friend if she came down. I do not believe this for a second, but it doesn't matter. I was friendly the whole time and didn't react badly once. I also ended the conversation first (I have been doing this a lot lately), and wished him a nice day.

I already accepted that this is reality and he will do whatever he wants. It still hurts, but I am just accepting this pain, processing it, feeling it and then moving on...

To tell the truth, I was pretty down all day after that call, but I also had a full slate of things to do, so I concentrated on that. Pre-school, baby's dr. appointment, my dentist appointment, pre-school pick-up.

Then I invited our former nanny for lunch to thank her for everything (just laid her off two weeks ago). I made her fondue and gave her a nice Xmas present - a really nice winter coat I had bought for myself, but since I am short on $ and I knew she would really like it, I gave it to her. She took care of the most precious things in my life for 4 years... this is the least I could do for her.
Then bath time, dinner time and bedtime...

All kids are finally down and I just opened a bottle of wine, will journal and hang out on the boards for a while and try to show support to fellow DBers.

I also have a very busy weekend planned. Tomorrow - hang out with the kids. We'll be practicing our "Xmas show" we are doing for the family as a Xmas present. I picked the "feliz navidad" song with Jose Feliciano and we are doing a cute little choreography to go along with it... It's goofy, but the kids love it.

Then H will pick up kids tomorrow evening and I will go to movie and dinner with my best friend. Sunday will be my only avail. day for Xmas shopping, since kids will be with H and OW, so that's the plan.

I also got some bad news re. our finances from H today, but that is another post...

So that's it... I keep going. :-)