2nd Thread - After almost 1 year, I keep going

[keep_going]

Thanks 25 - I will let you know.

I have been doing really well lately. Absolutely no drama with H. I am nice, pleasant, listen and validate.

His aunt turned 80 and there was a big family party on Saturday. I was not invited. H took the girls to the party and asked if I could stay with the baby. I said yes, didn't want him or kids to miss the party. It was hard... The worst part of this is how he puts me aside.

MIL and SIL were at H's house when I picked up the baby... I could tell MIL felt bad. I smiled and wished them all a good time. I also looked very cute and MIL made a comment about it.

SIL came from up North for this party... She is the only one in the family that H has confided in and told about OW. She even met her last time H was up there, since they live close by. SIL came over to my house the day before the party to hang out. I could tell she was avoiding any kind of talk about H. I get it - it's her brother. I respected it and didn't start any talk about it.

When she left, she did hug me and said I looked good and looked like I am doing well. I told her that I am happy with my kids and life continues. She said she was happy for me. She said she could not imagine what I am going through and how hard it must all be for me. I didn't say anything. I don't want H to hear that I am struggling or anything. Nothing but smiles and acting as if.

I am also doing better at detaching from H. I don't think as much about what him and OW might be doing. If I do, I get busy and focus on other pleasant things, like my kids! I am having a blast with them.

After Thanksgiving something clicked. I have been reading so much on these boards. Many things have resonated lately. Let go and let God... I am doing well with that. I decided to make this Xmas holiday as special as I can for the kids. Xmas has always been my favorite holiday and I intend to NOT repeat last year's. H left on 12/23 and I was literally a walking zombie or crying uncontrollably when alone.

The tree looks amazing - girls love it. I also spent Saturday putting Xmas lights outside. Hard work but it looks great. Also spent time with friends - lunch and also hosted a brunch at my place on Sunday morning.

I also finally bought some basic tools. I am tired of asking H for tools. Some days he is nice about it and others, like Saturday, he is just rude - bothered that I ask for them. He probably thinks I ask for them as an excuse to see him. He has three hammers at his place - I went out and bought my own on Sunday. I will continue detaching and keeping myself away from drama and pain.

He is on his own. And when he comes around, he finds nothing but a nice and pleasant me. He also sees that I have a life. He sometimes asks about my plans - I am vague, but nice.

Overall, I do feel I turned a corner this past week. I am more at peace and feel stronger to continue my journey. I will continue DBing, living my life for me and my kids and keeping the door ajar for H, should he decide to look back. It won't be any time soon though, if it ever happens. This will be a marathon and I am just approaching the one-year mark... So much more to travel...

But I feel strong today and willing to keep going

[~¤DG¤~]

KG- you sound like you are doing awesome.

Your latest post inspires me. I needed to read that.

[BklynMom]

Great post. You can tell you turn a corner, you have a new spark. Good for you.

You handled your SIL perfectly.

Unlike you, I have always hated the holidays. Just seemed like an excuse for people to wear tacky outfits &s ing annoying songs but this year like you I want to do it up.

My girls though young love the lights and sparkles so why not make it as much fun for them as possible. We are so blessed with healthy, beautiful & happy children.

I know you have keep your sitch with your H private. If other parents ask about your H or neighbors ask "oh havent seen H in a while", how do you handle it?

Keep up the positive spirit & enjoy the season.

PS your H is a fool

[Rick1963]

Good job KG. Keep up the good work.

[keep_going]

Thanks guys for the support and encouragement. It means the world to me.
I had a really sad moment with D4 last night.

When I was putting them to bed (I always make a special time out of this - lay down in each girl's bed, we sing, make up stories, laugh and hug and kiss a lot). My D4 got really sad and said "I miss my daddy."

I told her not to be sad - daddy loved her and he would come see her tomorrow. She started crying and said "I want my daddy and mommy together." This is the first time she can clearly and fully verbalize this to me and it was a dagger. Probably the most painful moment since our separation.

Before, she had acted out or cried and asked for daddy, but this is the first time she actually talks about us being apart. It took all I had not to break down and cry. I simply held her in my arms and told her that I knew she wanted that and that sometimes daddys and mommies could not be together, but that we both loved her very very much and would always be with her.

Ugh... so sad. My D2 was listening intently from her bed - she is so young, I don't quite know how much and how she is assimilating this whole situation. It suxx to say the least.

But I pulled myself together - for my kids. I put a smile on my face and sang and made them laugh. I cuddled with them for extra long time until they fell asleep.

Today I was down and just tried to keep myself busy all day. Didn't have to try hard - between pre-school, meals, diapers, laundry, bottles, baths, playtime, etc. I was pretty busy. This evening when I went to turn my awesome outside lights, they didn't work. I was so bummed and started to get frustrated...

Then I calmed myself down. Tomorrow will be another day and I'll figure it out then. For today, it's been more than enough.

Knowing that I was in a fragile state of mind, when H showed up to visit kids, I made sure I was my usual nice, waited until he got settled with them and told him I had to run some errands. I just think it's best if I am away... Don't want to risk an argument. I simply came to my favorite coffee place, logged on, and am on the boards. I feel better already.

Thanks for letting me vent and journal.
Tomorrow is another day...

[25yearsmlc]

kg,

ouch....I ache for you.


but I see such growth too. I know, it cost you so much. But hey, if you pay the price at least enjoy the "product". You are a better woman than before.

You have NOT been at this long. This is a lot to process.

As for your heartbreaking commentary from d4, Let your h hear that comment too--NOT from you.

b/c Your d4 will say it to him, or words to that effect, sometime when she's with him one on one. IF he asks you about it, you admit she said it to you
and that is WAS hard to hear, but that you reassured her of your love...and leave it at that.


Reassuring her is your goal. Letting him deal with his own stuff is HIS responsibility. Do NOT take on any of his stuff.

If he tries to make you responsible for the natural consequences of his choices, you need to say you already owned your part in this and that you are not going to get into his sandbox anymore.

He has HIS stuff to deal with and you have yours. IN fact your plate is damn full right now so, wish him well on his journey -sincerely--and continue on yours.

If you are half as calm and pleasant as you sound here, and you are looking good& being upbeat and attractive around him

then the only obstacle to his return, (that I can see) is his trusting the changes he sees.

That takes time.

Stay the course of GAL, 180s, preparing for the worst WHILE hoping for the best.

And being the great mom you are.

((( )))

[keep_going]

On Tuesday, after I got back home from the coffee shop, H was putting the kids to bed. I joined him in singing (part of the bedtime routine). He was singing Xmas carols. It's a tradition in his family to sing carols every year on Xmas day, so we know a lot of them. We sang about 15 songs and had a blast. It was like old times. The girls loved it too. When he left he gave me a nice hug and wished me good night. It felt like a nice, friend hug, though.
It's weird - sometimes when we are together, is like nothing has happened and we are still the best friends we had been for so many years...

On Wed night he called and I let it go to voicemail. He said he had a really bad day at work and was wondering if the kids were still awake and he could stop by.
I called him back and told him they were asleep already. I asked about what happened at work and he told me the whole story. We ended up talking for about 30 minutes - about work, how he was getting sick again (he gets sick about 1 or twice a month since he left...), what he was eating for dinner, his aunt's party, etc.

Just nice, mundane, easy-going talk. We joked and it once again felt like old times, old friends and as if nothing was wrong.

On Thursday evening when he arrived, the girls and I were singing and dancing Xmas carols. I had finally fixed my outdoor lights, which looked really nice. He took some photos and texted them to me before coming in... He said they looked great.

I offered him soup for dinner (he looked sick). We ate as a family - the girls loved it and he thanked me for waiting for him to eat.
Then I suggested, if he felt up for it, taking the kids to see the XMas lights at a close-by neighborhood where they go all out. He loved the idea, even though he was sick.

We went and had a good time. At first he was engaged with me and then he slowly pulled away. It's almost like he doesn't want to let himself have a good time with me. He started walking ahead of me, and just focusing on the kids. I let it go and kept having a good time with the kids as well. No drama coming from me, just an easy-going relationship.

When he arrived home, I offered him some homemade banana bread I made with the girls.
Now that I am not working, I am really spending quality time with the kids - I want to give them as much attention, love and fun as possible given our situation. I'm sure it must be weird for H - I was always a working woman, not very domestic and now, it's completely the opposite. I have no idea if he prefers this or not, but I know my kids need me now, so I am happy with my choice, even though it is definitely hurting us financially big time - but that is a topic for another post...

Today he called to make plans for the weekend. He said OW was considering coming to town. I told him I was open to changing my plans to have the kids spend the night with me if he wanted. He declined and said OW would stay with a friend if she came down. I do not believe this for a second, but it doesn't matter. I was friendly the whole time and didn't react badly once. I also ended the conversation first (I have been doing this a lot lately), and wished him a nice day.

I already accepted that this is reality and he will do whatever he wants. It still hurts, but I am just accepting this pain, processing it, feeling it and then moving on...

To tell the truth, I was pretty down all day after that call, but I also had a full slate of things to do, so I concentrated on that. Pre-school, baby's dr. appointment, my dentist appointment, pre-school pick-up.

Then I invited our former nanny for lunch to thank her for everything (just laid her off two weeks ago). I made her fondue and gave her a nice Xmas present - a really nice winter coat I had bought for myself, but since I am short on $ and I knew she would really like it, I gave it to her. She took care of the most precious things in my life for 4 years... this is the least I could do for her.
Then bath time, dinner time and bedtime...

All kids are finally down and I just opened a bottle of wine, will journal and hang out on the boards for a while and try to show support to fellow DBers.

I also have a very busy weekend planned. Tomorrow - hang out with the kids. We'll be practicing our "Xmas show" we are doing for the family as a Xmas present. I picked the "feliz navidad" song with Jose Feliciano and we are doing a cute little choreography to go along with it... It's goofy, but the kids love it.

Then H will pick up kids tomorrow evening and I will go to movie and dinner with my best friend. Sunday will be my only avail. day for Xmas shopping, since kids will be with H and OW, so that's the plan.

I also got some bad news re. our finances from H today, but that is another post...

So that's it... I keep going. :-)

[keep_going]

Finances...

H called this morning to tell me that the short sale of our town home was approved. We bought our dream home and moved into a week before he left last year. The idea was to immediately sell the town home where we used to live, but H moved back there and we then procrastinated on the sale for 6 months...By the time we put it on the market, we were underwater...)

So now he now has a month to find a place to live. He told me he is renting back the town home from the new owners for 2k a month, which is what he had budgeted for rent for a new place for him...
I am not working right now and with his salary alone, we can barely pay the mortgage of the new house.

So reality is here. I knew from the beginning that if we didn't reconcile, there was no way we could keep this house and now the time has come. I wasn't able to convince him to come back in this past year, so we'll now lose our house as well.

I am sad, but not necessarily for the financial aspect. Sometimes I do get apprehensive and a bit scared about my financial future. But then I remind myself that I will make it no matter what. I have a career, I am well-respected in my field and if I needed to, I could find a job (with long hours) fairly quickly. I don't want this, but it's a possibility.

I am also not afraid to give up on my current lifestyle. I can adapt to that as well - we all can...
My main goal for trying to hold on to the house w/o H, was to stay in this school district - one of the best in the country...But even that is now just a bonus.

The pain I feel comes from the fact that this house represented all the hard work we both put in during 13 years of marriage. We started with nothing, actually with lots of debts and as a team, we got here - to where we could afford our dream home for our dream family... Except that we lost our M on the way there...

So in the end, we'll end without the dream home / life, and without the marriage. Ironic that I always saw my hard work was a way of showing my love and dedication to my H and family - he never say it this way and that was one of my big mistakes.

And now that I am a single mom, I will give up a 20-year career because of the time demands. I am choosing to walk away from it to be with my kids - they need me and come first. That decision is a no-brainer...
It just hurts to be in this position in the first place, without my H. So I am grieving this loss tonight and tomorrow morning, I will choose to move on and start looking for rentals in the area, to see if I can manage to stay in the school district.

[labug]

So in the end, we'll end without the dream home / life, and without the marriage. Ironic that I always saw my hard work was a way of showing my love and dedication to my H and family - he never say it this way and that was one of my big mistakes.

I feel the same...

Hope you will find just the right place.

[keep_going]

Tonight I just need to journal... It's been a tough weekend.

On Friday H called to let me know we needed to sign some docs for the short sale and to inform me that OW, her sister and sister's boyfriend were coming to town for the weekend.
It felt like a dagger - it does, every time she is around. His demeanor changes completely - he is excited, filled with anticipation...

For some reason, this weekend I just could not get thoughts of OW out of my mind and I was down a lot - not outwardly, but inside. I continued acting AS IF and keeping busy, but inside I was in so much pain.

I understand that it was all self-inflicted. I was not very successful at blocking out negative thoughts. Part of it is due to mistakes I made early on after H left. I made the grave mistake of snooping a lot early on, before DBing. At first, I did it because I was so confused that H left and simply refused to believe he would be dating so soon.

Once I started finding out about OW, then I snooped to learn about her specifically, because from the get-go, I knew this was not just casual dating. I know my H...
The result - NOT GOOD at all. I see now how much damage snooping has done TO ME, for all the info I have learned... I totally see why people advice against it...

There are so many things that are now painful reminders of their R - places they have gone together, foods they enjoy, phrases they use, things they have said to each other, gifts they give to each other, photos, love letters, even sex toys... Granted - my H was also not very discreet and is a bad liar, so I found out a lot more that I ever wanted to.
And now, so many things that are now painful reminders to me - things that I don't know if I will ever feel neutral about. I hope newbies learn from my mistakes and my pain.


The thing about OW that pains me the most is that she is NOT a bad person. On the contrary, from what H has told me and what I found out, she is very nice, kind, she has lots of friends that love her, she has a great relationship with all her family and she is loving and giving. When H was still denying the affair, he would tell me about her generosity, zest for life, positive attitude and apparently she is a very spiritual person as well.

And my H is also a very kind and generous person. He is the kind of man that everyone likes and people always told me how great he was and how lucky I was to have him in my life. I always felt fortunate that he chose me as his wife, but I obviously didn't show it as I should have and definitely took him for granted.

They share a lot in common and she possesses a lot of the qualities my H likes in a woman. OW is good looking, and a smart and intelligent woman.

They are very connected intimately and my H thinks she is very sexy. That hurts because that was one area where H and I had problems. I used to withhold sex from H due to resentment and also as a power play... definitely one of the biggest mistakes in my M.

But besides the sex, they are deeply connected intellectually and emotionally. There were love letters, they write poetry together, they talk on the phone several times a day, sometimes for hours, they work in the same profession, they send each others photos of their daily life all the time, they laugh together and they have a lot in common. They enjoy the little things in every day life and I know that OW was instilled that in my H.

It's painful because I stopped doing all that for him, so now he has found it elsewhere.

In addition, she has also shown kindness towards me and my kids (even w/o knowing me). She told my H she didn't want to hurt me. When I opposed to her spending the night with H when our kids were with him, she offered to go to a hotel - my H refused.
She brings presents to my girls and baby, plays with them and D4 comes back from visits with H and OW telling me how much fun she had.

So if she is so great, how come she cheated on her H, right? H told me that neither of them wanted to fall in love. It sounds like they both felt guilty about how their EA evolved into a physical affair. But in the end, they both felt that their feelings were just too deep, they could not fight them and they finally decided to go against everything and try a R.

She left her H for mine and she has told him she will "jump thru fire for him" - she already is doing so.

All of the above is so painful to me and I just don't see how H will say no to everything she gives him.

I am generally a self-confident woman. I know I have a lot to offer, but I do find the competition very steep here. I do admit feeling inadequate compared to her. Why? Because she understood what my H needed, at a most vulnerable time for him and she gave all to him - after years of H feeling neglected by me... So as long as she continues giving to him (and I don't see why she wouldn't), he will have no reason to look back - regardless of my changes.

The other thing is that H is not really been very nasty with me. On the contrary, he has been generally nice and pleasant. What has been reproachable has been his cluelessness and insensitivity towards my feelings. But I believe in my heart that he has not consciously intended to hurt me and he has said so repeatedly since our separation started.

He has also said he wants me to be happy. He has even done some DBing on me - he has said he is working on himself and changing the mistakes he made in our relationship to make this new one with OW work (ouch! it's so painful to me to see that he has no interest to put that effort in OUR M). He even told me once to try to find happiness within myself and to stop looking at him as my source of happiness - nothing I can say to that. He is absolutely right.

All of the above thoughts are what constitute my struggle. I have to work constantly to get these negative thoughts out of my mind. This is by far my biggest challenge, my biggest demon so to speak. And I had been doing very well lately in snapping out of it, but this weekend it just hit me hard.

I continued all my GAL and acting AS IF - I hid my emotions well, acted nice around H during kids' exchanges and managed to act upbeat with the kids. But inside - it was a completely different story. I was definitely strong - appearing ok outwardly and continuing life and moving on, despite my feelings and negative thoughts.

It's been a while since I had such a depressing time like this. But I will snap out of it - that I know. And journaling here helps...

Thanks to everyone who has been supportive. It means so much.