Don't know how much longer I can endure this!

[tested metal]

I avoided getting beat up by joining a seminary and moving to a school in another city and starting anew. Sounds like avoidance. I guess I have been doing the same pattern of avoiding conflict.

I felt accepted. Usually when I am with a group of people, unless they are my very close friends, I feel like I am an outsider looking in. Especially around those known to be a little insensitive and make jokes at another's expence.

I also like not being messed with (of course) and I am sure that if pushed to far I come out as aggressive because I don't want to deal with it anymore. (Explanation not an excuse).

I came to the realization last night that my "being smart" actually is authoriarian too. I took a Narsisctic Personality Inventory just to see where I would land. I had a 12, which isn't bad. 20 and above is bad. Celebrities average 18. Anyway, it also scored the kinds of narcisissm and I had 8 of the 12 points in authority, meaning I like to look like an authority figure. Pretty sure that didn't help the marriage. Pretty sure it may no be helping my relationships or possible relationships with others either.

I realize that working on me is the best chance I have for a future relationship, but I have started to accept the notion that I may not have a chance at rejoining with W. I am doing this searching for me and me only.

I plan to appologize to W today for my passive aggressive behavior because I feel I need to, because it is not only the right thing to do, but because she deserves it. I need to hold myself accountable for that. I expect nothing in return.

[Kimmerz]

Hey TM,
Wow this is really big. I really appreciate you sharing this.

Where did you find this test?

[warriorshadow]

Kimmerz,

I got a 9 just now on that test. That does not surprise me.

Google is your friend.

WS

[tested metal]

Kimmerz,

You have to google it as I can't give you the site here. I can assure you that the test is legit as it is close to the inventories I give my clients at work.

Thank you all for helping me get this far by challenging me and making me think.

[AntoniaB]

Um, I just took the test. I was very aware of how different my answers were since I've put so much work into my self-esteem and stepping out of my wallflower role that I lived my life doing for so long. As a result, I'd have scored in the single digits had I taken that test when I was pre-bomb. Taking it 18 months post-bomb, with all the doctor appts, work on myself, and help from this board? Now I'm an 18. So...did I create a monster? I was really high on leadership and self-sufficiency...0 on vanity and exhibitionism. So is that a bad thing? It suggested I look into getting help. Really?? ;-) Now I'm not sure what to do because for me, I wasn't as far "along" in terms of building my confidence that I thought I should be....

[AntoniaB]

Incidentally Tested metal, I just noticed you said you took "being smart" to be authoritarian. I think this is why I scored that high there too. The one thing that my parents drilled into me from childhood was that I was smart, and then the harder I worked at what I liked in school, the more I accomplished. As someone in education it's part of my "job" to be smart, to be seen that way, and I'm not comfortable not knowing what I'm talking about standing in front of people.

I'm trying to think, how do you balance this. I guess in a relationship, it's not good to come off as "the smart one", or "smarter than" your partner, as you can be condescending, even unintentionally, or have that aura of entitlement. I can recall times I came off that way, but for me, my XH was just lazy. As in, if he put his mind to something, he would do better than me. He was gifted, high IQ and all, just very lazy. This would drive me nuts. It seemed to me like wasted talent.

I guess that's where I was supposed to be non-judgmental and say whatever, if he wants to waste his brain, let him.

But I don't know...can a relationship really work if two people are not compatible intellectually? See, I have a sister who is incredibly bright, and her H is very average, doesn't read anything and has no interest in books or films or anything, and they just really have very little in common. She will tell me "hey, you don't have to have a rel. with a guy who is intellectual" but I don't think I'd ever be able to make that sort of rel. work.

[tested metal]

Antonia-

I think it is normal for someone who had low esteem and worked hard on it to exhibit some traits that might be on the high end for a while. I think that people on either end of the spectrum who are working for the middle will dip on the other end for a while. It is part of finding the balance. Don't discount your work but realize that balance takes a long time.

I stated before that the test is pretty similar to the ones that I give my clients, but remember they are very similar, not the same. The ones I give cost $50 a piece and have a ton of validity studies behind it.

Just think of it as a conversation piece/ something to think about, but not something to hang a diagnosis on.

[AntoniaB]

Thanks for clarifying that! But yeah, J3B once said something about how if you read something and it gives you an uncomfortable feeling, there is probably a reason, and I think it's that I know I could come off as authoritarian with XH...just something to think about for the future I guess. I don't see me do that with other people for the most part, but if I tend to do it in a rel. with a man, it's something I would like to work on :-)

[tested metal]

Antonia,

I think that making the rel. work is entirely dependent on the people in the relationship. If one person values intelligence higher than another and won't accept the person for who they are, then it will be a problem. I have seen tons of couples though who are "opposites", but they make it work and have a healthy marriage.

Incidentally, I was very disappointed in my W's life choices as she chose rather to be in a job with no future than to use her degree and get a job with benefits, etc. That was my value though, not hers and although I didn't like her decision, I supported her with it, even helping her get her 1st job in the town that we live in.

I never had the feeling of entitlement, and believe in working hard for what I get, but i can see how my actions are condescending. I was just so disappointed that she would not see her potential and fulfill it. My expectations could have been to high too.

[AntoniaB]

Interesting that you said that about supporting your wife with her job...I was actually very supportive of my XH NOT going back to school and just being the best he could be as a middle school teacher. He was basically happy at the job till the school districts everywhere started to de-specialize teachers and just make them teach very basic stuff, and his specialty was then not part of state testing anymore and he couldn't do what he wanted/liked. Well, that stinks, but it was out of his control...had he gone back to school, he might have been able to specialize again. But he was such a slacker in college that he'd have had to retake classes at the undergrad level to get into the MS program in his field, and even though he could have done so for free at my college (a job benefit of mine), he said it was too much work and he was too burnt out. I got that, so I never pushed him to go back. The issue for us was that he always saw my job as so much easier than his and then if I complained, he'd get angry and say I didn't know how good I had it. Well, I know, but I also worked really hard for it and had a grad degree. My expectation for him was if you're not happy, then change it. I used to even encourage him to leave his job for a year and go start a whole new career, living off my salary. He wouldn't do it. So OW actually teaches the same subject as me but she's got 5 years experience to my 19, and she's in his school (i.e. "his level.")

It's like, I know I could come off a high horse when I got frustrated with him, and I think I should have curbed my complaining. I did have it "better" in many ways. But I doubt it would have mattered. I guess it comes down to ambition. I'm someone who tries to fix a situation and find a better path if things aren't working, and I'm ambitious, but he just isn't. He loves to complain. You can give him 100 solutions to fix something and he'll just keep saying it's all pointless and do nothing but tread water.

It's funny, being aware of "how I can be" with someone who wastes intelligence now, I really have tried to just be open to dating men who are "not as smart as I am", but I can't get past it. I don't mean they need the degrees I do either, because I know some incredibly smart people who speak and write beautifully who never went to college at all and some with college degrees who are practically illiterate. But I've found that when I meet people I do make a lot of snap judgments fast if someone uses really poor grammar or does not bother to write simple, complete sentences. I guess I've just never come across someone with compatibility to me in most areas if those things are off.

Then again I also rule out men who hate cats ;-)