First post, words of wisdom needed

[CO1978]

Sunshine, it does sound like we are in very similar situations. I had a perfectionist attitude and W felt I was controlling and she was walking on eggshells. I made a guide for myself on how I will handle this. I make changes to it as often as I need to, and I look over it everyday. My Goal is to make them into habits, and make the changes permanent. A lot of stuff is said over and over again, this is an example for my situation, and things I know I need to work on. Obviously, I can't do everything on there right now, but I work on what I can with her, and will just hope I can use the rest when the time is right.

·Quit Drinking

·Control of Money
*Separate bank accounts
*Do not say “No, we can’t afford it” say “We can look into it, maybe put some money aside and get it after a future pay”
*I am not sole provider, can’t justify buying something for her that is just as expensive or more expensive as her wanting to buy something for herself, S, or all of us.

·Communication
*Actively Listen, Openly Talk about anything and everything
*No more putting up “walls” Is there something wrong? If I am acting like there is something wrong maybe there is, TALK about it regardless
*If we disagree on something or have a fight “I see what you mean, I don’t necessarily agree, but I understand.”
*Positive Reinforcement: The answer is NEVER NO! If she is having a bad day, find something good about it. Don’t point out negatives in her work, unless she asks for judgment
*Respect her decisions and opinions / we are equal in decisions *NEVER SAY NO! We can talk about it, and agree on it.
*NEVER ASSUME
*Never take her for granted

·Stop trying to be a perfectionist
*Everybody has their own view of perfection, there is no perfection, don’t expect perfection
*Do set agreements on standards with each other
*Share housework (do it together) so we both know each other’s standards
*ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

·Show her my feelings
*Random small stuff, like nurturing her when she is sick, flowers just because, a note that says “I love you”, ect.
*Reciprocate “I Love You” every time
*Hug and kiss her on hellos and goodbyes, Kiss her and say “Goodnight”
*Appreciate everything she does; don’t point out negatives when she does something for me, Say “Thank You.”
*Night out just 2 of us at least once a month/ once a week even better
*If she asks to go somewhere with her GO! (Hiking, visit parents/grandparents, park, store, ect)
*Get involved with her interests
*Give her the best of you
*Spend more time with her family, she loves them, I should too

·Become Best Friends
*First one she wants to talk to, first one I want to talk to.
*Activities together or as a family as much as possible.
*Night out just 2 of us at least once a month/ once a week even better
*If she asks to go somewhere with her GO! (Hiking, visit parents/grandparents, park, store, ect)
*Try new stuff (camping, mountain biking, rafting, skiing, play in the snow)
*Get involved with her interests
*Give her the best of you

·“WALKING ON EGGSHELLS”
*ALWAYS THINK: She said how depressed I made her feel, her thoughts of suicide were because of me. SHE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW SHE FEELS, ONLY W CAN MAKE W HAPPY
*How I can help her trust me again:
*Quit drinking: no more nastiness
*No more perfectionist attitude
*Control Anger (don’t take things personal, it’s NOT her fault don’t make her feel like it is)
*If I am upset, let her know why!! Don’t push her away
*Accept I am wrong at times (my opinion is not the only opinion), and not be offended by it (don’t take things personal)
*Appreciate everything she does; NEVER point out negatives or what else she could do when she does something for me
*SAY THANK YOU!!!!!! Give her a hug and kiss to show her I appreciate her
*DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONAL: Started to wear wedding band to work, inmates can’t bother me if I don’t take things personal