Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[Nblost]

Abbey, a really good book on affair recovery is Torn Asunder. The author would say that having the cheating spouse fully feel the pain they caused is key. I think that's true and I can imagine it will be really hard.

This is the weekend H is away with OW. I was on a work trip last night and had the chance to go bar hopping with several guys from my company. A couple are good friends, others I had just met. We ended up at a very fun bar with dancing and I had had many (too many) drinks by this point. I had a great time dancing and flirting. Pretty soon, I had 3 of the guys competing for my attention. You can imagine how great this felt for me. They had all been drinking too, so everyone was much looser than they normally would be with coworkers.

Well, here's the bad part...I don't even remember getting back to the hotel, but one of the guys (married) came back to my room with me. I told him I didn't want to get involved with him because he was married, but he told me how beautiful I was, how I deserved to be happy, etc. We ended up fooling around but not fully. He slept the night and then we both woke up with hangovers this morning and had to get to our respective work meetings. He asked me if I was okay this morning and he was wondering why I couldn't look him in the eye. I didn't tell him this, but it's because of his wife. I feel terrible and I know I would never continue this because of her.

I don't plan to tell H about this now (while he is still hiding the details of his A), but I would probably tell him if we go to counseling and are working through things and needing to be honest with each other.

The interesting dynamic that I am still thinking about is...I have a better understanding of how H got into his A. I could argue the guy last night made me feel better than H has made me feel in a very long time. I can see where if he was available, I would be tempted.

I also now have a huge distraction in my head while H is on my trip. I told one of my friends about this and she was not surprised I "lost it". I have been under so much stress and she's been surprised I haven't exploded and done something worse.

I screwed up though and I shouldn't have done what I did. :-(