A Bklyn tale

[PEI]

We were playing with a girl on the block and she mentioned she was going to another kid's, kenny's, Bday party, my D3 had not been invited to the party. My D3 said "but I know Kenny too!" It made me so sad.

It was one of those instances where normally you might be a little bummed out but for me it kind of snowballed into super sad.

.... Maybe she didnt get invited cause I'm a bad mom, I'm not social enough. Clearly I'm a bad mom cause my H left me, but I must really be bad cause my kid isnt even going to this freaking party. What kind of mom has H that leaves them, I most really be awful...

I got over it (kind of) as did my D3 (she forgot). But I guess every little temper tantrum I think might be because my H is abandoning us.

Whoa.

Seriously whoa.

Please tell me that you see how crazy it is to let something like a lack of invite snowball like this???

Who's in charge in your head anyway?

YOU are. Or you should be. I know how easy it is to slip into "feel sorry for myself" mode. I get it. But that doesn't make it helpful or healthy.

Now tell me ... is that piece ridled with sarcasm or do we need to haul out the 2x4s and pick it apart?

Sweetie ... there wasn't anything to get over. It's a kids party ... and those parents have reasons for inviting whomever that have nothing to do wity you or your daughter. If she was upset (which by the way would be greatly influenced by your response to the situation) why not take it as an opportunity to teach her to live and let go? Shrug your shoulders and let it go like it's no big deal ... because it's no big deal.

Are you a bad mom?
Are you social "enough"? What the heck is "social enough" anyway ... and who sets the standard?

...

do you see where I'm going with this?

PEI

[keep_going]

BM -

You are doing so well! Don't let a kid's BD party get you. I know what you mean about little things triggering a lot of emotion, specially when you are so drained from the every day grind. I like you, adore being with my kids, but it is very demanding to be with them as a single parent - all the time. I sure have more appreciation for stay at home moms. And I also see it as an opportunity to practice my patience skills (key for DBing, parenting and my personal issues with anger).

In my case, I am trying to enjoy every moment I have with them, knowing that eventually I will need to go back to work and seeing how fast they grow up. My baby is no longer a newborn, he is 4 months old! Sometimes I stare at my little angel and wonder how H is missing such precious moments that will never come back... I get sad and then I snap out of it - how? I just think: his loss!

So for now, it's all about me and the kids, just like you. We are truly blessed to be able to focus our energy and affection on our children - they need us so much. We are fortunate to be able (and sane enough) to give them the love they so much need right now.

I am glad your husband is slowly coming around and showing changes. Keep up the positive attitude. I believe that it always shows and brings on more positive things to your life. If it doesn't bring the M back, at least he is improving his interactions with his girls.

I will come back and continue to follow you. Your attitude is a source of inspiration!

[BklynMom]

KG - you support means so much, I can see the parallels in our stories. It seems like we traded mind frames though because I am sliding into a bad space. Today I would get a poor on my report card for attitude.

Thanks PEI - I totally know I went crazy in my head. Totally crazy! My D3 didnt hear any of that, she didnt really realize she hadnt been invited and forgot about the whole thing in 2 seconds. But I find myself starting to let these little things bring out big emotions.

Its been harder for me since my H started with the more interaction. I am acting happy on the phone with him but this faking it gets to me. We spoke today for a few minutes regarding my D3 starting speech therapy and I feel like he treats me like a work colleague. He is not cold just remote, just not loving. He's not mad at me, "it just cant work out". "Its over, I'm done" He said these thing a few months ago not today, but each time I hear the tone of his voice I know in my heart he still believes those words. I can hear that he doesnt feel a connection to me.

I have lingering feelings that there is another woman and that is why I will not see any major change in his attitude. I could work through an A but if it is a secret still there is no way to work through it. He has said all the lines that MWD warns are signs of a secret affair.

I am also freaked out that he is coming back to Brooklyn in a 2 weeks and the reality of being seperated is setting in, I have been able to kind of pretend that he is just working in Atlanta and when the job is over he would come back. It is clear that he is not coming back to our house in two weeks (if ever).

It is clear that I am going to get a Christmas Tree by myself. It is clear that our girls will wake up Christmas morning and Daddy will not be here.

I know I should not say this but this is worse then death. With death its final and you know you have to move on, but here there is a lingering hope. Sometimes that lingering hope just feels like a fantasy.

Thanks for letting me rant. Luckily I have only been back sliding only on this board and in my mind - I am still acting as if with my H and staying busy GALing and taking care of my angels.

I dont say it enough but this board is a lifesaver. Reading other peoples threads and knowing I am not alone is a miracle of the internet. Seeing hope in others stories when a few days ago there felt like no hope inspires me when I am down.

[keep_going]

BM -

I know what you are feeling right now. We all go thru this - good days, bad days. And sometimes, it's moments within days... It's part of this rollercoaster and it suxx!

Try to get the thoughts of the future out. Do not think about what will be when H comes back. Use the stop sign technique (I use it to get thoughts of H and OW together out of my mind). With practice, it will work. Or just get busy - clean, play with kids, read, watch tv, anything!

It does you no good to think about the future as a separated couple. As for the holidays, plan ahead. Make sure you spend A LOT of time with friends and family. You may not feel like socializing much, but at least having the girls interact with family will do them well and it will be a huge break from the daily routine for you (and extra sets of hands). Seriously - force yourself. It will be better than thinking about the holidays w/o H.

As for the tree, ask a friend or relative to go with you (also to help carry the darn thing...) Make it an event with the kids "today we will go pick a tree and decorate!). That's what I did. I was so down on Thanksgiving, that I said to myself "I refuse to give H the pleasure of me being miserable... And I am making an event of any little holiday-related activity. Tree, cookies, decorating the house, lights, etc.
KEEP YOURSELF BUSY and don't get ahead of yourself.

As for your suspicions about OW, I am really sorry that you find yourself in this position. As you have probably read, that is by far the worst pain you can suffer and I sincerely hope it's not true in your case. BUT, if it was, it's not all over. A whole new set of triggers and causes for hurt and pain come along with that - it sounds like you think it's pretty certain.

You are doing great in your interactions with H, so don't lose momentum. IF you find out about OW, don't do anything right away. Take your time to assimilate the information and work thru your pain. I know I made so many stupid mistakes when I first found out because I was so hurt (and hormonal from my pregnancy...)

Hang in there. You can do it!!!

[BklynMom]

Spoke with a coach today and it really helped me get back to a better place in my head. Again she stressed that my time frame was unrealistic. It is just so scary to me that this hole in our family will remain.

I feel like I let go of a lot of emotions today. I cried and cried. (Not in front of the kids) But I really feel like I needed to do that. I am experiencing a big loss. I need to grieve and allow myself to mourn. I think its okay to be sad. This sitch qualifies as sad.

I still truly believe my H would be a fool to leave us but what saddens me is maybe he is a fool.

I just dont see how my girls & I will be better off in a year without my H -their Daddy. Everyday when D3 says I miss Daddy, I have to say "Baby, Daddy loves you. He will be here soon" It kills me. How can he truly love her and do something so selfish.

The coach also suggested I do more GALing that wasnt centered around this sitch. I guess I do schedule a lot of time to think about this from going to therapy 2x/wk and 2-3 alanon meetings a week. But its hard to then pay for a babysitter to go to the gym as well.

Tonight I tried reading a novel but there was no way I was going to be able to focus on it instead I came here. And am focusing more on my sitch.

But writing has made me feel better. Thank for listening

[2thepoint]

Hang in there Brooklyn! I'm glad you are getting good advice from a C. I agree that you do need to do more GAL that is not focused on the sitch. Sometime just going for a walk helps clear the head. Whatever you can find, do it!

[Coyote]

"In July there is no way I could speak without being desperate, but sometimes now I am able to. Its so hard to stay positive and strong day in and day out."

Have you wrote these things down on paper? Individually, write down each major thing that's bothering you and then go over a solution for each? You'd be surprised at the objectivity that comes out when you can see your own anxiety there in front of you. Can't afford the time for this maybe? Can you afford not to?

"What kind of mom has H that leaves them, I most really be awful..."

I know you're ruminating, going over thoughts going round in your head but they are there and personally, I don't like these. I've taken a peek at your posts, if you were on the market you'd be a heavy catch! You're not so let's skip that.

In short, H made these decisions. Not you. Why hold yourself responsible for his decisions? H has stuff to sort through. Don't try to sort H out. You need to sort through the only thing you can right now, you.

From what I can see you are responsible for your contribution in the marriage and nothing more. Get used to it. Again, you are not responsible for H's decisions.

Yes, you may have issues. I do. Everybody else that posted here has too. Write down each issue that comes to mind. After each, write a solution down. Come back to it later, change the solution if you have new insight.

[BklynMom]

thanks for the support guys.

Coyote Thanks so much for your notes it seems like you have a lot wisdom to impart but I was left confused by your post. I didnt know what issues I should write down, issues I have in my M or individual issues. (Right now the big issue is I dont have a husband and my kids daddy is not at home that is the issue!)

Is this an example of what you are talking about:
Issue: I am quick to judge others and sometimes dont think about how my words will effect people.
Solution: Continue taking prozac and think before I speak. Go to Alanon meetings. Read a morning prayer.

Also was confused by your emphasizing that I am not responsible for my H decisions. Does it seem like I feel responsible? Thanks again Coyote for taking the time to post to me. I guess I am still newish and especially new to the self examination stuff so I may need a 2x4.

I am trying to get out of this self pity mind frame but havent gotten over it yet. I used all my energy to make it till December without losing my mind by thinking and praying he would be back by Christmas and now that I see the reality that he's not coming back for Christmas I am devastated.

I am torn between staying hopeful and not feeling like I am living in a fantasy.

I have told close family & friends but still neighbors and causal friends dont know my sitch & it feels like I am living a lie. Parents from my D3 school say - will your H be back from Atlanta for Christmas and I say yes but feel like I am being deceitful.

Good News Today: I bummed into a mutual causal friend who said that he had run into my H at the same spot we bummed into each other. This friend didnt know about our sitch so I took that as a positive that my H hadnt been telling people we were spilt up.

[2thepoint]

"Good News Today: I bummed into a mutual causal friend who said that he had run into my H at the same spot we bummed into each other. This friend didnt know about our sitch so I took that as a positive that my H hadnt been telling people we were spilt up."

I do think that this is a positive. The fewer people that know about your sitch, the easier it will be to retract if/when it comes to that point.

I also think and it has been said many times here, TINE and more TIME is needed to work through this. The question is, after all the pain and heartache, can you hold on?

During my DC session yesterday where the topic was Reconciliation, they discussed the concept of the line of reconciliation. One of the MC's in the video said that he will work very hard with the injured spouse (that would be you Bklyn) to have them commit to holding at the line of Reconciliation for 6 months. This means not moving on or pursuing another relationship. Then if six months go by and there is no movement from the other party, he tries to convince them to hold on for another 6 months.

The point being, people need time. Your H needs time. As unfair as it is, he needs time. So, I ask again, can you hang on? Is it worth it to you to hang on?

[Coyote]

"I was left confused by your post. I didnt know what issues I should write down, issues I have in my M or individual issues."

Sorry if there was any confusion on this. The main idea of this is to get your anxiety and stress off the mind and down on paper or even a word editor where you can see it. Doesn't really matter on the exact format. I was just giving you one possible way to do that. You might even consider keepng a personal journal.

When I was going through this I would head to a local lounge and just start writing in my personal journal about issues that were bothering me about my sitch. I'd work out solutions as well. No particular format though. I would just work them into the body of the writing like I was working on an essay.

I found it very refreshing. So have many others too. Again, the exact format is unimportant. Work your own out if you feel the need.

"Also was confused by your emphasizing that I am not responsible for my H decisions. Does it seem like I feel responsible?"

I get the impression that sometimes you hold yourself responsible for everything that went wrong. Not so, you are responsible for only your half in this. Boo boo's that you may have done that didn't help.

If it helps, make a list of positive improvements you can do to turn around any negativity you may have done before. Listen to what H had to say. If there were any key points that keep coming up, as an example, 'you never complimented me when I help you out.' or 'you're always critical' then these type of things would need looking at.

However, you are not responsible for H's decision to leave. H is responsible for H's own decisions. You can't control H or his decisions. Don't even try or you'll drive him away even further. You are responsible for you and what you can control, you.

This kind of reminds me of when I've heard, 'Coyote, you don't make me happy.' So now I'm responsible for making me happy and WAS happy too?! WAS isn't responsible for they're own happiness, I have to shoulder the burden for 2 people's happiness?!! Ah...no. I would pine away at this before but when I finally found this out it was a nice little thing to know. No, I didn't throw it back into W's face but I did internalize it. Helped give me yet another nugget of stability to work from.

"The coach also suggested I do more GALing that wasnt centered around this sitch...its hard to then pay for a babysitter to go to the gym as well. "

To add to this, and you may have heard this before but make sure you eat healthy. Yes, keep some activity in your life, walk it off perhaps. Also, don't forget to go see your family doctor. Your body is really taking a beating right now. Get things checked up. Explain your situation. Sometimes they can even recommend mild levels of antidepressants to help smooth things a little. I know I had too. Not the only one too.

Have you thought of getting the baby stroller out and going for walks? Riding a bicycle somewhere instead of driving? Just suggestions.