too much time and distance

[Valeska19]

Thanks V. Everyone's situation is different, although the similarities among all of us are sometimes striking. My situation is complicated by what seems to be severe clincal depression, which my W is trying to solve by running away from everything. That is the primary reason I reach out to her on occasion. Maybe that is a mistake. Maybe I need the 2x4. She continues to deny her depression, but it only seems to be getting worse. But I cannot help her.

EXACTLY

I can understand why you want to though. My w is an addict and I have trained myself to constantly try and "save" her from her addiction. (She has a food and alcohol addiction)

It came to a point where we both learned that only SHE can save herself.

It was hard to do.. hell it's still hard.. but it must be done.

Why....

... because I spent 8 years... not drinking around her or going to bars, trying every kind of diet, buying gym memberships, spending money on kick boxing classes, cook books, inflated grocery bills for healthy food, buying new clothes when she lost weight.. telling her she was beautiful when she gained it back (which I 100% believed)...

.... but nothing helped her.. until she walked into program and realized that her addiction had very little to do with the "what's and everything to do with the "Why's".

I spent so much time caretaking and enabling that I had become CoDe and stopped really thinking about my needs, wants and only focused on her. I thought if I just kept loving her in THAT same way.. things would get better. I was willing to SACRIFICE MYSELF for her.

But in doing so I lost myself and when you lose yourself.. you lose your ability to really know what's best for you and for your spouse because everything in a marriage involves the both of you and you have taken "yourself" out of that equation.

Of course depression is different.. it can be a chemical imbalance.. but I feel the same applies. It's not about the what's and the why's

She is on her own path. Maybe she really does just simply want to have nothing to do with me ever again.

Maybe.. and that's going to hurt like hell. You need to figure out how you want to perceive your wife.

I believed (and still believe) that my w is running from me. Not because I was an excellent w, but because I supported her through this nastiness and she treated me like crap. Then when she started to get better, she abandoned our marriage, and stopped talking to me.

She's afraid to deal with me and our past. In my heart, I believe that to be true

Think about the dad's who leave their kids and years later want to build a relationship with them.. but don't. They make every excuse in the book instead of just trying.. and keep trying.

Fear is sooo seductive in alot of ways. It's provides you with an easy way out.. and one many take.

Maybe this is your wife.

OR

Maybe she is a biatch!! and what you say is true.. and she doesn't want you to be in her life..


understand that NEITHER of these are a reflection of you. This is a reflection of her choices, emotions, and perceptions.

So who do you want to perceive your wife to be.. because it will determine how you move forward with her.

Unless you are an abusive spouse, MHO is that WAS run "to not deal with things".

Will your w keep running.. I don't know. Will my wife... I don't know either.

Only in God's time will we know...