25 - "It felt stressful and the kids and I began to dread his coming home. They told me so." Another line that she threw at me on D day was that she felt a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach whenever she heard the garage door go up when I got home. After the introspection, I guess I can see why.
"AND OR that you feared somehow it would shift the balance of power to compliment her "too much"?" I always felt if I complimented her too much she would start believing I was doing it out of habit and not sincerity. What did I know?
"I hear it a lot around here on DB, "I was a good h, I never cheated or drank too much and we have a nice home."...like that's all there is." Funny, I said those exact same things to my friends - no cheating, no abuse, no drinking, no strip clubs....etc. - how could she want to leave. In hindsight, if those are the bars I set for success in my marriage they're pretty pathetic.
I am awake now, 25 - after this brutal punch in the mouth. And not what I am awake, I CAN'T fall back asleep. The problem is, now sure as hell isn't the time to share these realizations with my W. She does not want to hear from me - and all I want to do it tell her everything that I just posted here. I want to tell her where I fouled up and that I want to make things right with her and have her and my son back in my life once again. If I am going to get there, it is going to take a long time. Right now, I am the enemy - and I don't see how I am going to get out of that role anytime soon.
Now that I have taken everything that she has said to me to heart, and stopped trying to defend myself or explain her - I am trying to forgive myself. I just hope that the day will come when she will forgive me and realize that the errors I made were not out of a lack of love or respect - just general "not knowing" and having to find my way the hard way. She is by no means perfect, either and it really does take two. The ONLY time she uttered a phrase to me that held her accountable in this was the one time she said "I could have communicated better with you". Probably, but I can't do her introspection for her - I can only hope that she is doing hers on her own these days. I am really just trying to focus on the things that I can fix or make better in me right now.
I derive some degree of comfort from the fact that this appears to be something that happens to couples a lot. So I am not alone in my errors.
Mach1 - "Why do you think that compromise in your relationship , made you less than perfect?" I didn't think that compromise in and of itself made me less than perfect. If I am being honest, I guess I felt that accepting something (doesn't matter what) that didn't conform to what I thought it should be, something that was far from perfect, made me less than perfect. In reality, nothing will ever be perfect. And as I said in a previous post - imperfections and "messes" are proof that there are people in your life that love you. That was the case for me anyway. My W's clothes tossed recklessly around the floor in our bedroom meant that she was THERE, that we were together and that she was living happily.
Accuray - mostly I have been reading DR (And re-reading sections). I have also been reading a book on understanding depression. Again, not to say that that is WHY my W left - but I know that it factors into her perception of how I did (or did not) do things - so I am just trying to understand better.
In related news, holy crap I miss my son so much right now. Won't see him again till Sunday night.
