Woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach. I have no desire to really see my w today. The holiday season is hard enough.. dealing with the D on top of it has lead to alot of crying sessions.
Although many have said that just because you get a D doesn't mean it's over.. my m with my wife has been dying slowly for 8 months.
In some ways, I am glad to see it go. She didn't treat me as well as I would have liked and I wasn't the best Val I wanted to be either....
.... but it wasn't all bad and cleaning out stuff has brought alot of happy memories to the surface. I've been burying those feelings out of anger or codependency. Lately.. I've just been feeling them. I think I am stronger now so I can handle it.
I also am fearful.. even though it's dead.. watching it go away means that I may never have the opportunity to have another relationship with my w.
It's a valid fear - because it's a valid possibility.
But the relationships is dead and over and so I just need to let it go.. and remember... it was unhealthy so "Good Riddance!"
However - I'm not really in the mood to DB. Been trying to muster the strength but I'm not happy about this and this process is hard.
Part of me is like - she cries about it to me, why can't I?
And then I remember that as much as I think I capable of crying with no expectation of comfort from her... I don't think I am.
That is why I must keep the positive spirit and the acting "as if" because she is nowhere near being ready to have any kind of anything with me.
She said she wanted to help with party but she hasn't mentioned it. Maybe it will come up in conversation tonight. I have been prepared for both possibilities.
I try not to do "stinkin thinkin" about my w, but it's hard. She's a procrastinator and loves to run from things.
I can speculate to what's happening in her brain, and for the most part I would be on point.. but speculating doesn't change anything. Just frustrates me.. instead of just letting it be.
I have extended my hand but I can not make her take it.. not in our marriage, or a friendship, or even this party.
Keep me in your thoughts in about 4 hrs.. I really don't want to show up perky when we're changing over a title and solidifying one more part of D. Show up looking good - yes.. but bubbly - no.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
