Never thought I'd be here......part 2

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Crimson,

I also really identify with your feelings here and went through the same process in many ways. I re-read your initial posting to compare to your introspection which is an interesting exercise. I applaud the time you've been spending evaluating yourself as a result of this terrible experience -- that's the good that comes from it that we take forward with us no matter what happens. I know I've become a better person because of it.

I was selfish and didn't listen or pay attention to the small signs my W was sending.

I felt the same way. My IC pointed out that W wasn't being very clear in her communication, she was sending "small signs" and expecting me to mind read. That's not a realistic expectation. You can own part of this, but you can't own all of it. W was also responsible for being clear that she wasn't happy, and she wasn't until she got to the point that she gave up. Maybe you weren't receiving as well as you could have been, but W also could have been much more explicit that she was unhappy and needed something different from you.

My eye never goes to what's right first - it goes to what I perceive as being wrong first and I go to "fix-it" mode. Stepping outside of myself, I can see how someone else could grow tired of that over time. Eventually, she may have thought that I was doing the same to her - not seeing her pluses, but zeroing in on her minuses and trying to fix them. She has all but said that.

A lot of this is just your personality type versus something that's broken and needs to be fixed. You need to be aware of it and manage it, but you may not be able to change it. I recommend you take the Enneagram Riso-Hudson personality test. The full test is available here: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/Tests_Battery.asp

It's $10 and takes 40 minutes. That will give you some insight into your natural tendancies. If you can determine your W's type, there is a page that talks about the dynamics of how the personality types interact, the common frictions, and how they can support and reinforce each other. I did that test and found it very useful in understanding what drives the behaviors you've described above.

I am a type 3, an "Achiever":

Basic Fear: Of being worthless
Basic Desire: To feel valuable and worthwhile

As an achiever, I strive to optimize. Although I never criticize my W or explicitly set expectations for her, just living with someone who is an achiever when you are not can be intimidating. Because you see the achiever constantly pushing themselves, the spouse can feel like they don't measure up by comparison, and can come to resent you for the fact that they don't feel good about themselves living in your shadow. That's the hard part, it's not what you're saying to them, doing to them, or expecting from them -- it's the assumptions they're making about how you feel about them based on how you talk and feel about most other things. My DB coach advised that I cannot "own" my W's feelings of inadequacy by comparison, those are hers to deal with. I DO, however, need to be sensitive to them, because I now understand the dynamic it creates.

My W had an affair with a "9" -- a Peacemaker, which undoubtedly gave her a break from dealing with someone who is always driving. My epiphany through this process has been to relax more, to be more accepting, and to be more conscious of my impact on my W and my family, even if I'm talking about something or doing something that doesn't involve them.

We found a church that we both really liked. We would go every now and then - but then she started attending regularly. I didn't go with her. I chose to stay home, not because I had a problem with church but because "I have to be somewhere on time 5 days a week - I just want to enjoy down time on Sunday and not HAVE to be anywhere". I knew she wanted me to go - but I just ignored it. And yes, I would feel guilty - but I didn't change my actions. I put what I wanted above she wanted. Again, it's clear what I did wrong here and I regret it tremendously.

Funny, same thing happened to me, although it was my W who found the church and started taking the kids without discussing it with me at all. I started going with her, but like you, I thought that I have to work 5 days a week and get Saturday and Sunday to get a ton of stuff done plus relax. If I do a 10:00 service followed by an 11:00 coffee hour, 25% of the weekend is taken by something I'm not passionate about. Since we've been piecing I started going again to support her interests. My IC said that if I don't enjoy it and get anything out of it, I should not go -- I should use the time to do something for me (GAL) because I'll feel better about everything and be more positive in all our other weekly interactions. I haven't taken that advice yet, I'm still going.

In moments, she would bravely confess that she suffered from low self esteem and I KNEW that she needed a lot of positive feedback from me. I never gave as much as I should. I felt that she had to learn to love and accept herself - or all of the compliments in the world from me would be of little to no help at all. Clearly there was an opportunity for me to make her feel better about herself and I did not take advantage of it. I let my beliefs override her needs. Looking back, I regret that more than I can say.

Ah yes, my first IC said "women like men who make them feel good about themselves". I don't know why that is unique to women -- I like a woman who makes me feel good about myself too! If you haven't yet read "The 5 Love Languages", do it immediately! Your W was telling you about her love language and you weren't picking up on it.

If you are also an "Achiever" personality type which I suspect you may be, there is also a tendency to think we know what's best for others, because we are so confident in our convictions. This is another thing to get over.

I thought as long as there was a little blue box from Tiffany under the tree every Christmas that it would show her how much I loved her - when all she really wanted was for me to hold her hand and walk to the park with our son.

Male tendency -- read "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" for more insight here. One of the things it says is that men often feel security and comfort just knowing their wife is home. They don't have to be in the same room or interacting with us -- just knowing they are there is enough. Therefore, we can feel that just providing and being present is adequate, when for women, it is not.

It is good that you recognize your role in all of this. Be aware, however, that the LBS will typically get to a place where they feel guilty and take responsibility for too much. A marriage is a 2-way street where you are both responsible for communicating and working on the union on an ongoing basis.

It does not look like you were overtly "mean" or abusive, or wilfully neglectful. Instead, your marriage fell victim to the same dynamics that many marriages fall victim to -- this happens every day over and over again. It's also well documented that after the birth of your first child is usually the low point in any marriage -- the hardest time for both of you. The best time is supposed to be when the kids graduate college or start a career and are out of the house.

It's probably the rare marriage that stays healthy and productive over the long haul. Most probably fall into various stages of decay, dysfunction and coping. It's usually only a crisis that brings things to a head and forces change. By going through this process, you have the ability to become an expert on what it takes to make a marriage successful, and hopefully you will get the opportunity to apply that knowledge. You also get the opportunity to do some introspection and personal growth that you otherwise would never be motivated to take on -- that's the silver lining.

"How to get there from here" for me was a combination of advice on this board, lots of reading, counseling from a DB coach, and sessions with an IC. Of all of those, the DB Coach and the independent reading were the most effective, and the board helped to reinforce what I was learning from both of those sources.

What has your reading list been Crimson? There's lots of great stuff out there, and other stuff that's either not that accessible, or not worth your time. I have read a TON of it.

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