Adinva - what I wouldn't give for my W to be open to hearing those words from me.
CO1978 -- My aunt also reccommended that book to me. I downloaded it on my iPad a few days ago and will start reading this weekend perhaps.
"I have but one question to start you on your path.....You have listed the things you have identified as deficient behavioral patterns.....Why were you like that ?"
Mach1 - thank you for challenging me with that question. It is something that I otherwise would not have asked myself. Here goes....
Let me preface this by saying that I don't "blame" anyone for who or how I am. I will simply explain what my influences were and what has always been expected of me.
I was raised to not accept failure - ever - under any circumstances. I was literally told frequently that "failure is not an option" - neither was "partially done" or "almost". From the time I was old enough to remember, my dad always used to say this to me: "Once a job you've first begun, never leave it till it's done. Be it great or ever so small, do it right or not at all". Perfection, or the pursuit of it, was established as a criteria for success. From how well I did weekly chores to my performance in school - the expectation was perfection. Professionally and academically that has served me well. The side effects that it produced have not. As mentioned in previous post above, my eye ALWAYS goes straight to the imperfection in something with an intent to fix it. I literally have a physical reaction inside of me with I perceive something is "out of order" or wrong and I immediately try to fix it. It could be as simple as a picture hanging crooked or my closet being disorganized - I feel as though I have to make it perfect.
Soooo, how does that manifest in a relationship? Well, obviously the resulting OCD made my wife crazy - and she took it personally as if I was saying she failed to do something so now I have to do it. But more interestingly, it made me strive for this ideal of perfection as a spouse. Which, in and of itself, is noble - if and ONLY if you are pursuing that perfection as it has been defined by your spouse. In my case, I was seeking it as defined by my parents. Provide, protect....those were the big two from my father. Neatness and organization - those were the contributions from my mother. THOSE became my yard stick - and as long as I thought I was doing those (provide and protect especially) I thought I was avoiding be a failure as a father and husband. Why? Because the people that I got those marching orders from told be from birth that "failure was not an option".
So, if I put myself in my wife's shoes I can see the frustration when her set of criteria for being a good H is somewhat different. Remember - she said "you're good at the big things - but you are awful and the small things, and the small tihngs matter". She also probably felt that nothing she did measured up in my eyes. So I guess the concise answer to your question is that I had those behaviors because I thought that was how to not fail as a husband - to be perfect according to some set of criteria established by my family. They've been married 40 years - how could they be wrong, right? I thought I was a great husband because I did what I thought made a great husband....not what my wife thought made a great husband. Granted, she appreciated the things that I DID do - but it's like eating french fries without ketchup. You love the fries, but if you don't have the ketchup it isn't quite right...still good, but not "right". Well, I would guess that my W got tired of plain fries.
It's as if I was telling myself that I didn't need to make breakfast, walk in the park, or give up things I wanted because I was BEING a good husband. Selfish. Just selfish.
The irony is that in the pursuit of being a perfect husband, I was largely imperfect to my W over time. Over the last 3 months I have had nothing but time to contemplate these things and lament my mistakes. It all appears so clearly now - I know what I need (or needed) to do and I don't have the chance because my W reached her breaking point with me. Now I am in a nice, big empty house that is serving as a reminder that you can acheive all you want, but without someone to bring it to it is meaningless. I hope that life grants me a second chance with my family to be a better husband.
