Being thankful and praying

[angel61]

Thank you for all the advise and encouragement.

I did see the bad effect of what I did yesterday. Harrier, you are right when you said that what I did was damaging. When H arrived back from his trip, he seemed distant and withdrawn. I already had a feeling (judging from the different reactions I saw here) that he was now seeing how I regressed. In my panic, I asked him what was wrong, and boom! That created instant problems! His response was
"Nothing. Can't I have bad moments?" and instead of cutting it off at that point, I retorted:
"I was just asking. Why bite my head off?" to which he said (this was bad)
"well, I know what you are thinking.... I am in a bad mood because I talked to her while I was away..."
I started saying "I was not thinking that way..."I bit off my answer at that point, and tears sprang to my eyes, and just rushed to the bathroom (we just got to the gym at that point).

The rest of the evening was again on and off good and bad interaction. This time it was he who was in attack mode.

I guess I deserve it.

Anyways, by bedtime we were in full fighting mode, with me being petty and banging stuff around to attract attention, acting out like a kid, and him attacking everything I said. I finally told him that I was just being immature and needing attention, and that I was not mad, and that I had no intention of bringing up OW in conversation as we already had ironed that out two nights ago.

We decided we really needed to go to this coming weekends retrouvaille post, which is on conflict management. Even if its eating up our Christmas shopping time. We have been so busy with Retrou that till now, we have a Christmas tree with only half the lights on and no ornaments!

We finally went to bed, and I tossed and turned the whole night, berating myself for my actions, and telling myself that I should really make a big effort to just let go, stop reacting, go back to find my center which I had before all this.

I was laughing when he woke up, cause I was thinking of rules for fighting, and wondering how to implement them when we are in full fighting mode. I shared this with him, he said I overthought everything, so I should just shut up and give him a back massage.

Pray for me, friends, that I find my happy place again. This is tiring.