Never thought I'd be here......part 2

[25yearsmlc]

I have been putting a lot of thought into personal introspection these last few days. Naturally, it is difficult because I am finding that it forces you to lay down your defenses and look at your actions through the eyes of your spouse to a certain degree. When the bomb was dropped in September I spent SOOO much time focusing on what was wrong with W (hormones, depression, etc.) - it was a waste. That's not to say that there wasn't/isn't validity to it - but there is nothing I can do about it at all. It was most cheeseless of cheesless tunnels I could find. That said, defenses down - here's some of my introspection about how I landed here.

Well said. Among the most important realizations I had was that even though my h was "wrong" to make the choices he was making (to summarize- put himself above the rest of us, pursued something he knew wasn't good for me or the kids), MYbehavior did NOT help and may have hurt things.

AND that this^^^ realization is empowering b/c it means WE/YOU are not helpless.




--- Quote from the W on D day: "you're good at the big things - nice house, providing, finances - but you miss the little things and the little things matter!!". She would ask me to do certain things with her, like walk to the park with the baby and I would claim I was too tired because I just got back from work and just wanted to relax. She always asked me to rub her back and I only did it half the time - the other times I would just say "no" thinking that I was tired, trying to sleep or that she wouldn't do it for me if I asked.


Sounds as if her primary Love Language is Not "gifts" so much as quality time shared, words of affirmation or loving touches. Boy can I relate. Not to say we enjoy our birthdays or holidays being ignored, (you can't do that)

but a planned date, time touching (with or without sex following), a sincerely given compliment, on a daily basis, went a long way to heal my marriage.


I loved my wife the whole time, but I viewed marriage and fatherhood as responsibility - almost like a wagon that I had to pull.

a lot of men fall into this trap. They work hard at work, and think that the entitlements at work should spill over into family life b/c the payoff at work SEEMS to spill over (bigger house, nicer car)

but in reality the payoff at work, often comes at the expense of something at home, like TIME together, relaxed, unhurried time...and all the love that time together can produce...



I didn't look at it like I see it now - it's a blessing, a gift, something that needs to be selflessly tended to. With the view I had, it didn't leave a lot of room for sitting back and appreciating my wife for simply being her....for being my wife. It was made worse by the fact that I DO have perfectionist tendencies that drive me. Without intending to, I forced my wife to deal with them. My eye never goes to what's right first - it goes to what I perceive as being wrong first and I go to "fix-it" mode.


wow, you are so touching a chord! My h is an MD who works in the operating room. When he entered the home he'd immediately look around for "negatives" (as if he were in the operating room staring at monitors of a patient, looking for warning signs, problems or discrepancies. Most homes have discrepancies!!)

It felt stressful and the kids and I began to dread his coming home. They told me so.

The fact that he had his secret plans and was justifying them, contributed to the negatives but I certainly am glad you are seeing this. It took him a long time away from us to realize what he was losing and that the "patient was just fine, thanks".... You are a faster learned, perhaps b/c she left rather than you. But take what you learn no matter how you learn it, and remember it.

make sense?


Stepping outside of myself, I can see how someone else could grow tired of that over time. Eventually, she may have thought that I was doing the same to her - not seeing her pluses, but zeroing in on her minuses and trying to fix them. She has all but said that.


Then it is true, & she saw it that way clearly. And she wasn't "crazy" or "imbalanced" to see it that way. There in fact were reasons....but see that this is good b/c it means you do have some control here...


There were moments that if I had an idea in my head, I wouldn't budge if she had a different idea. For example - we have a loft area upstairs in our house. The first time I stepped into the place I INSTANTLY converted it into a small home theater in my head and started making plans. After the baby was born, she wanted to change it to a play area for him with a train table, and other things. I refused to budge - even though we have a big a$$ flat screen and surround sound downstairs. Selfish. No way around it. I wouldn't even give serious thought to making it a play area. A few weeks after she said she wanted a D, I bought a train table and put it in the room and left her a note that I was sorry for being selfigh. But by then it was too late, she was already sleeping in a different room and plotting her escape to her own place. There are other examples I could give of being selfish - but just know that I see it much more clearly now.


I know this^^^ is painful....but now you are awake. No more sleeping at the wheel...


We found a church that we both really liked. We would go every now and then - but then she started attending regularly. I didn't go with her. I chose to stay home, not because I had a problem with church but because "I have to be somewhere on time 5 days a week - I just want to enjoy down time on Sunday and not HAVE to be anywhere". I knew she wanted me to go - but I just ignored it. And yes, I would feel guilty - but I didn't change my actions. I put what I wanted above she wanted. Again, it's clear what I did wrong here and I regret it tremendously.


ouch...


I ignored her subtle suggestions of things she liked me to do for her. We would wake up on Saturday mornings and she would say "Would you make us breakfast?" - I would say no, or worse yet say nothing at all. I knew that she loved when I cooked for her or when we cooked together - I just didn't pay attention.



In moments, she would bravely confess that she suffered from low self esteem and I KNEW that she needed a lot of positive feedback from me. I never gave as much as I should. I felt that she had to learn to love and accept herself - or all of the compliments in the world from me would be of little to no help at all. Clearly there was an opportunity for me to make her feel better about herself and I did not take advantage of it. I let my beliefs override her needs. Looking back, I regret that more than I can say.


Not to twist the knife more, but is it also possible that it was self serving of you to say "all the compliments in the world from me would be of little help" b/c that also meant you did not have to make an effort there? You could justify your silence/withholding.

AND OR that you feared somehow it would shift the balance of power to compliment her "too much"?

Since you are looking inward, damn bravely I might add, I feel I can pose that.


I thought that as long as I was providing, giving her a good life and paying the bills that she would see me a a great husband.


I like men, but I fear that most think this^^^ way...or at least many do.

I hear it a lot around here on DB, "I was a good h, I never cheated or drank too much and we have a nice home."...like that's all there is.

A few hundred years ago that probably would have been enough b/c marriages were arranged for the upper class - and getting someone who didnt' treat you like a slave WAS great, and if you were poor, you were thrilled to have a roof over your head...


She was right - I missed all of the little things somehow. I missed all of the things that would have touched her soul because I felt that things that I was doing were already doing that. I was filling a round hole with a square peg and calling it a perfect fit. I was wrong. I was selfish. I was stubborn. I was blind.


Now you know much more about HER love languages, and you are awake. Stay awake. It will show, in time.

You must rearrange your view of time here. You are SO NEW TO THIS!!!



I have spent so much time trying to examine what was/is wrong with her that I didn't really look at what I did to drive her away. How does a perfectionist admit that they were a less-than-ideal spouse? I was covering all of the bases that I thought mattered - and not covering the ones that mattered to her. I felt like I did improve her life - but probably just from a material standpoint - and not completely from a "true happiness" standpoint. I thought as long as there was a little blue box from Tiffany under the tree every Christmas that it would show her how much I loved her - when all she really wanted was for me to hold her hand and walk to the park with our son.


then you DO know how, see?



I am ashamed of myself that it had to come to this for me to have these realizations come into sharp focus when all I had to do was listen a little bit more. I can try to blame this all on depression and hormones - and maybe there is a component of that involoved, but it doesn't take away from the fact that there were REAL ISSUES driving her actions - depression or not.


I wish I had a symbol for TRUMPETS BLARING here....wish other h's could read this...and get it.

Instead, I will post this little thingy and leave it at that...

So now I am asking the experts on this board - how do I fix this within myself now that I am carrying this grief around? Sure, I want to bring my family back - but I want to be BETTER first. I want her to believe that I am better and want to be back together - I just don't know how to get there from here.

I am not beating myself up here - just trying to be as honest as possible.

Crimson

as Mach said, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

That does not only apply to forgiving those who hurt you but to yourself when you hurt others and regret it,

and when you have created your own personal hell.

The more you learn to love and accept yourself, WHILE working to improve, the more you may be able to see others in your life that way too.

I think at some point we all need to see ourselves naked in the mirror (not necessarily literally, okay?)

but to see ourselves as we have truly been, warts and all, with our strengths and weaknesses, our greatnesses and our flaws

our quirks, our habits, our quality traits and our personality assets and our defects in character, and

if we are lucky the divine in us will accept us with love.

That is, we'll see ourselves through God's eyes. And if we allow it, we can learn to see our spouses through His eyes as well.

Maybe that's our real job as husbands and wives, to love as HE does.