Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - EVEN BETTER

[Valeska19]

I like the perspective WCF took as far as doing your best to remain in the present. Just think back to your own situation and how things and circumstances have changed from moment to moment, day to day, week to week.

You are completely right. I have changed so much in the past 8 months.. so many positives. Thank you for reminding me.

Keep your head up and be happy with doing your best. You can only control you.

And as far as XMAS traditions go i can completely understand as I grew up in a simialr fashion.

Think about how awesome it is for what you are doing for those 15 kids and that this year will be a start to that tradition which I think is amazing.

I am happy with myself and yes I need to stay focused on those kids. Thank you for thinking it's amazing! I really think so too!

[Valeska19]

You don't have to be in the holiday spirit if you don't want to be. Don't force yourself too. My IC told me on our first Christmas apart, my D's second christmas and I didn't have her christas eve into christmas morning..... do what you feel comfortable with and don't force yourself into the spirit. So I didn't. I had the benefit of working that night into Christmas morning.

I hear ya Gabby. There are some things that I won't do this year... and that's ok.. but my w controlled alot of my emotions and my actions for far too long. Each time I push myself past letting her control a sitch, the healthier I become at finding my own happiness and my own self worth.

I thought I could never find anyone I was attracted to like exH. Boy was I wrong! There is NOTHING left on the physical and emotional attraction left for me at all. Granted I am much farther down the road... but when i realized I could be attracted to someone else and I could have feelings for someone else..... what a relief!!!! (and I got to realize sex can be amazing!!!!, but that's a whole other story)

Ha ha.. whole other story indeed!

[Valeska19]

Val, Just checking in. Get what rest and joy you can. I hope your Christmas efforts are more amazing than I imagined them to be. The few days I spent in KY last month were a God send to me. I hope your visit home brings you peace.

I believe WCF view of D to be correct, at least I hope so. For me only time will tell.

I hope all those things too JS. I'm hope you find peace as well my friend!

[jbnati]

There is a part of me that wants to barrel through it. To decorate my house, buy a tree, listen and play Christmas music. To not give my w and my sitch so much power.....

I like this approach but you have to do what works for you. In my case, my S's and it's kind of like, "We're going to have a fantastic Christmas without you!". Almost an act of defiance, if you will.

that I'm afraid I won't find anyone else as attractive as her.

I guess it depends on how you define attractive. For me, I find my W treating me badly and going down the road of destruction as being very unattractive.

[Valeska19]

that I'm afraid I won't find anyone else as attractive as her.

Ahhh...and that is a real drag isn't it?

I know well this.

Would you accept a better looking woman who treated you worse?

My Mistake. I didn't mean just physically attractive but mentally and emotionally attractive.

BUT

I also don't feel w treats me the best so to answer the question - NO I wouldn't accept it. I wouldn't accept my w back either based on her actions.

I have my own theory that the more attractive you are the harder the journey to peace.

Peace comes from not gauging your happiness by what others think about you.

Oh so old and contrite...it comes from inside.

But why are we so willing to give beautiful people a mulligan.

She treats me like she sh!t BUT she is attractive.

There is no end of people who will put up with sh!t.

That is not you Val.

You have been here long enough to know that.

No that is definitely not me.

If she posts. Really bucks up and shows you how much she appreciates YOU.

That is the day I will accept this:

that I'm afraid I won't find anyone else as attractive as her.

That will be the day I accept it also. So good to hear from you Grit. I read a little bit in your thread the other day. Hang in there.

[Valeska19]

Val:

I'm sorry you're in a low point.

I have to tell you, I feel EXACTLY the same as you.. Thanks for so eloquently expressing your feelings -- I wish I was able to do it as well as you.

I'm sorry to hear that WLA. I wish all of us could just jump to January 2nd.. however I know this painful experience is necessary for the healing process.

I about to send back my edits to the marriage settlement agreement and I struggle with the finality it means for my M. My WAW will use it as another way to demonize me, but it is what it is.

Yes. She will feel what she needs to feel to get through this... as will you. I personally allow myself a good cry or two with each step. It's a slow death.

You'll get through this rough patch and things will be okay. Don't let the "negative thoughts-- e.g., "lost the love of my life" -- adversely affect you. I strugle with that too, but am doing my best to not let these cognitive distortions plunge me into a depressed state.

As will you. I really try WLA.. there is just always a day or two every month where I get knocked over.

You've done an amazing job with GAL and moving forward. You've given folks like me encouragement, support and help through our tough times. I hope you remember this in your down moments and I hope it serves as an inspiration and pick me up

Thank you. I'm glad to help and it did pick me up.

Spending the Christmas back East?

Yep.. thankfully LA has been training me well for the cold. What's up with this weather???

Thoughts and prayers go out to you my friend!

As to you my friend!

[Valeska19]

Hello Val,

I know how you are feeling, I feel exactly the same way. But, I know intuitively, intellectually, that things will change, eventually, and for the better. The advice about staying in the now is priceless,

Hang in there,
Gunny

Yes.. it is priceless. Thanks Gunny!

[Valeska19]

I guess its that time of year. I am totally bumming as well and I hate Christmas. I am such a grinch but for some reason this year I am feeling more sentimental.

"But, I know intuitively, intellectually, that things will change, eventually, and for the better." - gunny

You are not alone. We are here with you. And we think you rock;)

I think you guys rock too! Btw - The Grinch is my favorite Christmas Cartoon.

[Valeska19]

Journaling

Woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach. I have no desire to really see my w today. The holiday season is hard enough.. dealing with the D on top of it has lead to alot of crying sessions.

Although many have said that just because you get a D doesn't mean it's over.. my m with my wife has been dying slowly for 8 months.

In some ways, I am glad to see it go. She didn't treat me as well as I would have liked and I wasn't the best Val I wanted to be either....

.... but it wasn't all bad and cleaning out stuff has brought alot of happy memories to the surface. I've been burying those feelings out of anger or codependency. Lately.. I've just been feeling them. I think I am stronger now so I can handle it.

I also am fearful.. even though it's dead.. watching it go away means that I may never have the opportunity to have another relationship with my w.

It's a valid fear - because it's a valid possibility.

But the relationships is dead and over and so I just need to let it go.. and remember... it was unhealthy so "Good Riddance!"

However - I'm not really in the mood to DB. Been trying to muster the strength but I'm not happy about this and this process is hard.

Part of me is like - she cries about it to me, why can't I?

And then I remember that as much as I think I capable of crying with no expectation of comfort from her... I don't think I am.

That is why I must keep the positive spirit and the acting "as if" because she is nowhere near being ready to have any kind of anything with me.

She said she wanted to help with party but she hasn't mentioned it. Maybe it will come up in conversation tonight. I have been prepared for both possibilities.

I try not to do "stinkin thinkin" about my w, but it's hard. She's a procrastinator and loves to run from things.

I can speculate to what's happening in her brain, and for the most part I would be on point.. but speculating doesn't change anything. Just frustrates me.. instead of just letting it be.

I have extended my hand but I can not make her take it.. not in our marriage, or a friendship, or even this party.

Keep me in your thoughts in about 4 hrs.. I really don't want to show up perky when we're changing over a title and solidifying one more part of D. Show up looking good - yes.. but bubbly - no.

[wawinla]

V:

I hope it goes well today.

Be happy for the kids and even keel with your WAW.