M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Tonight my W and I are supposed to go to a Christmas party. She bought a new dress for it and I was looking forward to it. Sadly, my W has been sick for the past few days and still has to work this weekend. With all that, she told me she can't go - the illness, still having to work, etc.
When I got home tonight to get ready for the party she was there already and she was crying, by herself. I asked her what was the matter and she wouldn't talk about it. I did not push it. I just asked her what was wrong. She did tell me about her being sick and not able to go. I calmly accepted all that was going on, did not push her, asked her if she needed anything and left it at that. All in all a pretty good DB response I think.
One thing I had done during the day was left a white rose in a small vase for her. Don't know if she has seen it. We have been living in separate rooms since the bomb drop and I left it in the room she is staying in. I'm not sure if this is an anti DB move or not in terms of whether that is pursuing but I just did it for her without any expectation of a return. These little things make her happy but I'm not sure if it adds pressure. She does thank me for things like that and as far as I can tell she likes gifts like that (I mean both before and since the bomb dropped).
I am going to the party tonight and will have a good time. I figure I have been suppostive of her while sick, not falling into any anti DB actions, and am GAL with things like this. So, I feel like today has been a great day for me DB'ing and taking the time for introspection and self-improvement. ______________________________________________________________ Me - 53, her - 45, married - 24 yrs 3 sons - 24,21,13 bombed - March 2011 living same hone separate rooms
"One thing I had done during the day was left a white rose in a small vase for her. Don't know if she has seen it. We have been living in separate rooms since the bomb drop and I left it in the room she is staying in. I'm not sure if this is an anti DB move or not in terms of whether that is pursuing but I just did it for her without any expectation of a return. These little things make her happy but I'm not sure if it adds pressure."
^^^^^see red hi-lights above^^^^^
"So, I feel like today has been a great day for me DB'ing...."
...except for that obvious form of pursuit with the White Rose. You've got to stop that! It undermines everything else you are doing.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
"One thing I had done during the day was left a white rose in a small vase for her. Don't know if she has seen it. We have been living in separate rooms since the bomb drop and I left it in the room she is staying in. I'm not sure if this is an anti DB move or not in terms of whether that is pursuing but I just did it for her without any expectation of a return. These little things make her happy but I'm not sure if it adds pressure."
^^^^^see red hi-lights above^^^^^
"So, I feel like today has been a great day for me DB'ing...."
...except for that obvious form of pursuit with the White Rose. You've got to stop that! It undermines everything else you are doing.
OK 2TP - I guess the devil is in the details of DB'ing!
I did go to the party and had a great time. W asked me how it was and I said it was really good, and that my S and fiance had a great time too. No details, just that and then radio silence. DB'ing by creating mystery. I went with the attitude that I deserve to be happy, and that yes while I have things to work on improving myself, I have a life ahead of me which I deserve to enjoy.
BTW, the W is really in a down phase in her psyche treatments. The psycristrist wants her to be in some psychoanalysis program that she would see him much more frequently, perhaps every day. With that, I can't tell you how much she is all over the place emotionally. My DB'ing is creating all sorts of responses in her. And yet, I just have to let her go, silently be here for her without blowing the DB program. It's so hard. Her emotions run the entire spectrum just in one sentence from her. She's is an excorcist/depressed state this morning. I don't say that to demean her. She is really that bad off, and I have to DB while wanting to jump in and just HELP her. This is so tough!!!!
My W is going through a huge crisis and breakdown. I won't go into the details of what lead to this major crisis as I have outlined them in previous posts, but know that she has major childhood trauma in her life that is erupting in a big way now and she is doing her best to face it yet still completely controlled by it. Her leaving me but still living together is where the DB'ing comes into play.
She's like an unpredictable tide that come in and out, but you don't know when or how big of a tide or what state it will be in. I'm not a psychiatrist nor do I have any training in this so it is very hard to know what to do, all the while DB'ing because of our living together separated status. I am just letting her be, do whatever she needs to do, and quietly there for her, all the while GAL, DB'ing, raising three sons, running a real estate company, writing a novel collaborating with a girl in London with a publishing deadline, am part of an amazing yoga group.
When my W talks to me she can literally experience an amazing range of emotions in one sentence - kind of like the four seasons all at once. She's been in suicide phase through this, escapism, depression, euphoria, rage, you name it.
Today she said that I should find someone else because she is no good to anybody anymore, that she has lost everything.
I told her not to worry about me, that I know what I am doing, and that she should keep working on herself right now. I said that's she's lost right now but she has not lost anything. From a DB point of view I think I played it pretty cool, but still showing support. I thought about whether her knowing from me that she has not lost anything may not be the best DB approach but this stuff happens at light speed and I'm responding to her wild swinging emotions at the time. On one hand maybe the fear of losing everything may be the impetus for her to work her way back to me and family, but on the other hand she was so incredibly down that I didn't want her to feel like she blew it all.
Mach1 - thnk you so much for time and wisdom you have imparted. Yes, I understand that much of the pain is self induced, i.e stalking her FB, tracking the phone logs for calls to the OM. Journaling it here is actually me finally seeing it, acknowledging it for what it is and growing beyond it.
Your point about your W not doing this TO you but for her, and ultimately for you too is noted by me. I'm just waking up to that now.
You ask about my fear for the future? I still do not want a life without my W (although I only want a better M if we can do that) and hope for that, but really my fear is diminishing from an all encompassing level. I am really working on improving myself based on the things that got my W and I to the bomb level.
YOU ARE STILL HERE...
Please remember that one....
And since you are still here....
Live your life as if....
As if your troubles will be behind you soon...
As if you are the happiest person ever...
As if you are still a role model for those three boys...
Because at the end of the day ???
You are, and you will be.
YOU...define your future...
Nobody else....
you
One thing if I may...???
One thing today.
One thing that you can do different, that you haven't done in the past, but have always wanted to....
Let me know what it was...
Mach 1 - okay this is what it is. I did not let the negative emotions of someone else determine how I live my life. Throughout my M I would let my W's issues prevent me from doing things that would have been quite normal activities if not for her trust issue. I sold myself out for years. I'm not going to do that anymore. I will listen to someone's concerns if they have them (W or otherwise) but will not be ruled by them.
My W backed out of the Xmas party we were going to at the last minute because of illness. In the past I would have not gone because of my fear of her mistrust issues and the resulting unpleasantness. I went anyway, told myself that I deserve to live with trust because I am trustworthy. I went, had a great time, and know that this GAL choice did make a difference. I can see that she is realizing that she has wandered pretty far from the M and is in fear that she may have lost it all. I don't want her to feel bad like this but this was for both our good. I am GAL that I deserve, and working on bettering me, and she has to work through her crisis and earn a R too.
Did I answer this in the manner you asked it? Thank you so much!
My W backed out of the Xmas party we were going to at the last minute because of illness. In the past I would have not gone because of my fear of her mistrust issues and the resulting unpleasantness. I went anyway, told myself that I deserve to live with trust because I am trustworthy. I went, had a great time, and know that this GAL choice did make a difference. I can see that she is realizing that she has wandered pretty far from the M and is in fear that she may have lost it all. I don't want her to feel bad like this but this was for both our good. I am GAL that I deserve, and working on bettering me, and she has to work through her crisis and earn a R too.
Did I answer this in the manner you asked it? Thank you so much!
Okay, I fixed it for you....
Good for you Rick, it feels good to get out, and away from the madness ...doesn't it ????
I crossed the above out, because I want you to try and keep this about you for now.
It helps in the detaching department, and it allows you to focus on your actions, instead of how this is affecting her.
GAL should always be about you , and not used as a trick to "lure" the WAS back.
It is the time to get away for a bit and clear YOUR head. This will consume a person if one lets it happen.
I understand that your DB'ing and sitch took years before a R happened. While you were detaching and GAL, and time was marching forward did you ever have someone express interest in a romantic relationship with you? How did it make you feel? How did you handle it, not knowing whether your WAS would ever return to you?
I am writing a book with a girl from London and we have a May publishing deadline so we are in constant contact. This is someone I have known as a great friend forever. BTW, she has a WAS too. She caught me off guard and asked if it were possible for us to create a life together. This really caught me off guard because there's never been anything romantic between us.
I am flattered by this. My immediate reaction, and then my more thought out reaction is that I absolutely do not want a life with anyone else, and I want my W to work through her issues, improve myself in what I need to, and hopefully R. I have no emotional doubt about how I feel.
I asked Kelli (London girl) if she really wants her M to work out and she said yes. I told her that I really want mine to work too.
