Well, I'm back...with bright red face.

[Psych77]

IC knows that I am aware of the strategies I need to use, and she feels that, at this point, my behavior is no longer contributing to the discord in the M, and that the only things I could talk about now would be things I already know - that I need to not "react" to W's anger at me, that I need to not let fear take over but keep reminding myself that I have my own life (I discussed DB with her - she then read the book and says it's mostly common sense, but it's right and she likes it) and will survive with or without W's emotional presence, and that I need to treat myself with respect in order to treat W with respect.

The only other thing she says I need to learn is to argue with W without either backing down or getting angry and out of control. And she told me that the anger management therapist will cover that with me (IC is in practice with this therapist, so knows her very well). I should also say that IC has met with W and me together once, and has multiple times during my therapy called W to get her POV on things. So she is not talking blindly when she says that there is no problem with what I am doing - even by W's account. The last time she spoke with W was on Monday of this week, and she says that the only complaints that W gave were of things that happened over a year ago (but she was still ranting about them). Feels W is having trouble letting go of what has already happened. This is why she thinks that MC is what we really need - to work through stuff that is wrong between us, rather than what's wrong with one of us.

Here I do have a bit of a struggle, because I know that it is too easy for me to lay all the blame for our problems on W. At the same time I know that one of my issues in therapy was learning to accept that W has moods and feelings of her own, independent of me, even if she sometimes claims they are my fault. I have also struggled with allowing W to have some responsibility for our relationship - to recognize that not all the problems in our M are my fault.

A DB coach sounds like a good idea. The problem is money. We handle all money in a joint account (single-income family, you know), so there would be the issue of convincing W to agree to a $400-$700 expenditure. But I do need to keep that in mind, in case W refuses MC.

In any event, you are right. Learning to own my own emotions separate from W and developing a feeling of internal strength are the main issues right now. For years I have been telling myself that my life would be over if W wanted to separate, that I would just work for the rest of my life, and wait to die. It's bound to take time to reverse that powerful message. But I'm on my way.

Thanks for checking in on me. I appreciate having someone to bounce these things off of.