I love spending time with my kids. In fact, since my W moved out, I have rededicated myself to my kids. I try to do as much with them as I can. Sometimes this is wrestling around or playing with them on living room floor, while other times it's as simple as sitting together on the couch watching TV. The point is, everyday that I get to spend time with my boys, I try to do something with them and not just sit on the couch and watch TV while they're in their rooms playing by themselves all the time (something that both me a my W were guilty of).
My oldest often complains that when my W has them, she doesn't do anything with them. She makes/buys them dinner and they watch TV while she plays on her phone. He complains that he is always bored while with my W and he doesn't like it there.
Only being able to see my boys half the time has been very hard on me. I'll admit that I haven't always been the greatest dad, but I've always enjoyed seeing my kids everyday. Now that I don't see them everyday, I find myself very sad and depressed when I don't have them. Of course this all leads into whatever happens with the D and facing the very real fact that my W will likely be awarded custody because she is a woman and I will see even less of my boys than I do now.
One of my biggest fears is getting into a huge custody fight. I have no desire to take my kids away from my W. I believe that when she is in her right mind, she is a great mother full of love and compassion, but right now, she is just the opposite. I have no doubts that she loves our kids, but everything she says is just so "me me me" orientated.
Me36, W38 S12, S3 T20, M4 Bomb dropped 8/18/11 Moved out 8/18/11 Filed for D 10/20/11 OM Confirmed 11/5/11
More on our long texting session the other day. One commonality that I noticed is not only is my W blaming me for things, but some things are from 5, 8, 12, or more years ago.
She stated things like how we shouldn't have gotten back together (6 years ago), should never have bought a house (5 years ago), should never have gotten married (4 years ago), how she felt like she has been living alone for 4 years, etc.
She blames me for my reaction when she got pregnant with our first child (unexpected). I'm sorry, I was young and stupid--not that is an excuse, but just the truth. I'm extremely grateful for the decision she made at that time and I was nothing but supportive during that entire time and have apologized for my reaction many, many times since. There is nothing I regret about being a dad except for my initial reaction and I've done everything that I could to try and make that up to her for the last 13 years.
Now when she got pregnant with our second child, again unexpected, she asked me what she should do. I simply told her (not wanting to make the same mistake as last time), that she has been a terrific mother and I would support any decision that she made. Of course, she took it completely different than the way I meant it and haven't heard the end of it since. Again, this has been thrown in my face for the last 4 months too.
One thing that really burns by backside is she keeps telling me that she wants me to be happy. Well hello, get your butt back into this M and start acting like my W again--that'll make me happy.
Sometimes you just have to learn to forgive someone for the mistakes they make. I've forgiven my W for many things in our past and I could even forgive her for our recent situation and the resulting OM. I just don't understand how someone so loving and caring can't seem to forgive me for my mistakes. I've always been there for her and everything I have done and do is for her and our kids. You would think that after all these years, I would be allowed some forgiveness. I'm not expecting for her to forget, but to eventually forgive would have been nice.
Me36, W38 S12, S3 T20, M4 Bomb dropped 8/18/11 Moved out 8/18/11 Filed for D 10/20/11 OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Painful. I also had a negative reaction to our third pregnancy which was a surprise. My W unilaterally decided to stop taking birth control, told me she could keep track of when she was ovulating, and we got pregnant. She has never forgiven me for the fact that my initial response wasn't 100% supportive.
My W also told me while she was torching me that she wanted me to be happy. Here's where that's coming from: she feels guilty that her actions are making you unhappy and she wants to be free from that. It's not about you, it's about her. She really doesn't care if you're happy, she doesn't want to feel responsible for your unhappiness. You can give her that -- that's what detach and act as if are all about. Once she is free of that, she's free to look at you again without a black cloud over your head
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Your W doesn't want to feel responsible for your unhappiness. She can't cope with that and will run further and further away every time you remind her that you are unhappy.
