Here is the question I posed right before the last thread got locked......
So I am giving some thought to the custody argument W and I are having after reading some posts, more of the book and just THINKING.
W and I both have custody plans we would like to implement. She doesn't like mine and I don't like hers.
Situational facts:
1.) One of W's FREQUENTLY articulated sources of unhappiness was her perception that everything had to be my way (W said she "wasn't surprised that I didn't take her proposal/opinion seriously - it is reflective of the dynamic of our former marriage" - hurtful, and I think she said "former" just to turn the knife a bit
2.) Any agreement we arrive at now would not be legally binding as it is just between us and not dictated by the court
3.) It is clear that this topic is one that stirs up a lot of anger and resenment in my W ("avoid things that don't work")
4.) This has to be resolved soon so that we may get on with our lives and whatever this process will bring
Based on the above, I am considering accepting her proposal with two modest modifications: 1.) when I have him on the weekends I pick him up Friday night instead of her dropping him off Saturday morning at 9:00 AM - 2.) When she has him on the weekends she returns him to me at 3:00 or 4:00 instead of 7:00 so I can make him dinner and eat with him.
In turn, she would pick up an extra day with him over me (Wednesday) and we would basically be agreeing to a plan SHE proposed.
I would like this to be a 180 based off of her complaint about me "always having to get my way". I think those two simple modifcations to the plan she proposed would work. Thoughts? Would this get a decent reaction if presented as "We can use your proposal if I can suggest two minor fixes..."? I'm just throwing things against the wall right now and trying to DB my way out of a negative situation and TRY to make it into a postive where she walks away feeling good and I walk away feeling good as well.
Also wanted to take a second to say thanks to everyone that has read and replied to my first thread. Everyone has contributed to me feeling like "me" slowly but surely again - but I owe a special thanks to 25yrsmlc, accuray, and sandi2. You have really dug into my sitch and shed a lot of light of things for me - I can't tell you how much it has helped me level out and get the strength to move forward and stay on this DBing journey. Please keep the insights coming.
I had a psychiatrist appointment this afternoon (covering all bases in taking care of myself through this). She noted that it appears that I am doing much better. I told her about the books and this board and how they have both helped me so much over the last few weeks.
I thank you all for giving me a reason to have hope. Not just that I will bring my family back together, but hope that somehow I will survive if I don't. I am fresh out of the gate in this process but equipped for the long haul. I am still learning how to find what I did to get myself here and fix it for me.....not just to have my W back.
Maybe this is a little trite... and typically I'm not one to find tremendous wisdom in pop culture, but my niece posted this quote the other day and it certainly struck a chord with me:
"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light" - Professor Dumbledore, Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
I would like this to be a 180 based off of her complaint about me "always having to get my way". I think those two simple modifcations to the plan she proposed would work. Thoughts? Would this get a decent reaction if presented as "We can use your proposal if I can suggest two minor fixes..."? I'm just throwing things against the wall right now and trying to DB my way out of a negative situation and TRY to make it into a postive where she walks away feeling good and I walk away feeling good as well.
Crimson
What if you tell her that you understand how and why she feels that you always want to get your way, and you tell her that you are working on this and want to reflect this growth in your dealings with custody. Let her hear and do with it what she will. Maybe it will open the door just a little bit.
Thanks, Rick89 - and thanks for your kind words and thoughts yesterday, I appreciated it quite a bit.
I thought about presenting it that way - but then I thought about some of the input that I received from others and other threads that I've read. I don't know if it would be a good idea to verablly reiterate negative thoughts she already has about me. Maybe it would be best if I just said we can use your proposal - it's fair and a good idea, but I just would like two changes....
I agree Crimson, I think just doing it is better than explaining why you're doing it. Explaining why comes with the subtext that it's for the other person in some way. If you're happy with the amended proposal, then your plan sounds like a good one.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Maybe you guys - you and Accuray are right. I'm still a rookie in the DB world but I try to help others where I can, and in some cases what I say is thinking out loud. ______________________________________________________ me - 53 W - 45 married - 24 yrs bomb - March 2011 live together but separately sons - 24,21,13
I have been putting a lot of thought into personal introspection these last few days. Naturally, it is difficult because I am finding that it forces you to lay down your defenses and look at your actions through the eyes of your spouse to a certain degree. When the bomb was dropped in September I spent SOOO much time focusing on what was wrong with W (hormones, depression, etc.) - it was a waste. That's not to say that there wasn't/isn't validity to it - but there is nothing I can do about it at all. It was most cheeseless of cheesless tunnels I could find. That said, defenses down - here's some of my introspection about how I landed here.
I was selfish and didn't listen or pay attention to the small signs my W was sending. I operated from the standpoint that as the H, I was supposed to provide and protect and as long as I was doing that I was being a fundamentally good husband. Quote from the W on D day: "you're good at the big things - nice house, providing, finances - but you miss the little things and the little things matter!!". She would ask me to do certain things with her, like walk to the park with the baby and I would claim I was too tired because I just got back from work and just wanted to relax. She always asked me to rub her back and I only did it half the time - the other times I would just say "no" thinking that I was tired, trying to sleep or that she wouldn't do it for me if I asked.
I loved my wife the whole time, but I viewed marriage and fatherhood as responsibility - almost like a wagon that I had to pull. I didn't look at it like I see it now - it's a blessing, a gift, something that needs to be selflessly tended to. With the view I had, it didn't leave a lot of room for sitting back and appreciating my wife for simply being her....for being my wife. It was made worse by the fact that I DO have perfectionist tendencies that drive me. Without intending to, I forced my wife to deal with them. My eye never goes to what's right first - it goes to what I perceive as being wrong first and I go to "fix-it" mode. Stepping outside of myself, I can see how someone else could grow tired of that over time. Eventually, she may have thought that I was doing the same to her - not seeing her pluses, but zeroing in on her minuses and trying to fix them. She has all but said that.
There were moments that if I had an idea in my head, I wouldn't budge if she had a different idea. For example - we have a loft area upstairs in our house. The first time I stepped into the place I INSTANTLY converted it into a small home theater in my head and started making plans. After the baby was born, she wanted to change it to a play area for him with a train table, and other things. I refused to budge - even though we have a big a$$ flat screen and surround sound downstairs. Selfish. No way around it. I wouldn't even give serious thought to making it a play area. A few weeks after she said she wanted a D, I bought a train table and put it in the room and left her a note that I was sorry for being selfigh. But by then it was too late, she was already sleeping in a different room and plotting her escape to her own place. There are other examples I could give of being selfish - but just know that I see it much more clearly now.
We found a church that we both really liked. We would go every now and then - but then she started attending regularly. I didn't go with her. I chose to stay home, not because I had a problem with church but because "I have to be somewhere on time 5 days a week - I just want to enjoy down time on Sunday and not HAVE to be anywhere". I knew she wanted me to go - but I just ignored it. And yes, I would feel guilty - but I didn't change my actions. I put what I wanted above she wanted. Again, it's clear what I did wrong here and I regret it tremendously.
I ignored her subtle suggestions of things she liked me to do for her. We would wake up on Saturday mornings and she would say "Would you make us breakfast?" - I would say no, or worse yet say nothing at all. I knew that she loved when I cooked for her or when we cooked together - I just didn't pay attention.
In moments, she would bravely confess that she suffered from low self esteem and I KNEW that she needed a lot of positive feedback from me. I never gave as much as I should. I felt that she had to learn to love and accept herself - or all of the compliments in the world from me would be of little to no help at all. Clearly there was an opportunity for me to make her feel better about herself and I did not take advantage of it. I let my beliefs override her needs. Looking back, I regret that more than I can say.
I thought that as long as I was providing, giving her a good life and paying the bills that she would see me a a great husband. She was right - I missed all of the little things somehow. I missed all of the things that would have touched her soul because I felt that things that I was doing were already doing that. I was filling a round hole with a square peg and calling it a perfect fit. I was wrong. I was selfish. I was stubborn. I was blind.
I have spent so much time trying to examine what was/is wrong with her that I didn't really look at what I did to drive her away. How does a perfectionist admit that they were a less-than-ideal spouse? I was covering all of the bases that I thought mattered - and not covering the ones that mattered to her. I felt like I did improve her life - but probably just from a material standpoint - and not completely from a "true happiness" standpoint. I thought as long as there was a little blue box from Tiffany under the tree every Christmas that it would show her how much I loved her - when all she really wanted was for me to hold her hand and walk to the park with our son.
I am ashamed of myself that it had to come to this for me to have these realizations come into sharp focus when all I had to do was listen a little bit more. I can try to blame this all on depression and hormones - and maybe there is a component of that involoved, but it doesn't take away from the fact that there were REAL ISSUES driving her actions - depression or not.
So now I am asking the experts on this board - how do I fix this within myself now that I am carrying this grief around? Sure, I want to bring my family back - but I want to be BETTER first. I want her to believe that I am better and want to be back together - I just don't know how to get there from here.
I am not beating myself up here - just trying to be as honest as possible.
I would like this to be a 180 based off of her complaint about me "always having to get my way".
How about.....
" I can see how you would think that, based on my past behavior. If you could please take a minute to look over these changes, and see if they would work for you moving forward, I would certainly appreciate that. "
