I have been checking out the MLC forum and think that is where I need to be for my situation. I will start a new thread there soon.
Having BMOW at the house when his family was there WAS rather tactless wasn't it! I am no longer surprised though by his odd behavior since I have learned it is normal for MLC sufferers. All this time I have been going crazy wanting to know why my H was acting so strangely and it turns out he has turned into an alien pod person from the MLC! I have such relief now knowing his behavior is "normal"!!
I would love to contact BMOW's H and spill the beans, but I really don't know what medium would be best, ie., email (don't know his address anyway), snail mail (do know that address), telephone (do know the number to their house, but BMOW screens calls and does all phone answering) and I don't know yet what that might accomplish at this stage. If no one is thinking about the welfare of BMOW's two very young kids right now, then I guess I will be the adult here and think of how revelation of the A would affect them at this point, and I don't think now is the right time. It would just be self-serving for me, and it would push my H farther away from me than he already is right now.
I suspect that BMOW's H already knows about the A, but he seems to be such a wimp anyway, he may not really care. BMOW wears the pants in their family, if you catch my drift. And if he doesn't know yet, I bet he suspects something is up, which is what I did for months before I found out. He may not care anyway because he may have a R with OW himself on the side too, who knows! I think anything is possible now.
I asked my H once how BMOW's H felt about their affair just after I found out, and he said BMOW's H didn't know about it. I said maybe he needed to as his life was involved also. My H said in response that even if I was successful in contacting BMOW's H in any way, he would NOT listen to me or believe what I said because he thinks I am insane! If BMOW's H really thought that I was insane, then that means that my H and BMOW caused him to think that because I have spent only three times in his presence many months ago and as far as I can remember, I acted extremely normal. Thanks H, such loyalty!
If somehow my M survives and H gives up BMOW, and BMOW acts crazy (harrassment of me or H in any way) as a result trying to get my H back, then I think her H will definitely need to be informed so that he can intervene (or run, his choice)! What happens to BMOW's marriage once her H is informed, if he is ever informed or finds out the truth on his own, is for them to deal with. I would just feel so badly for their kids because they are so little.
On the other hand, if my H and BMOW ride off into the sunset together, her H will most definitely find out about the A.
Look for me over in the MLC forum as I begin my journey on the MLC train!! Well, I am off to research MLC.
LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Hey LG, Been looking for you to start a thread over on MLC. Boy, I gotta tell you I saw a lot of similar 'things' in your post to my own sitch several years ago. My H just wanted to "run away from home!" That was his driving force. Can I give you one little piece of advice? As much as you want to contact BMOW (I LOVE IT) Husband, DON'T! I had such an uncontrollable urge to do so myself, but believe it or not, I somehow managed to control that one (if you hang around long enough, you'll see that it was probably the only thing I managed to keep from doing ). I still, nearly 5 years later, have this minor obsession with wanting to talk to that man, but it is one thing that worked out best for me - having never contacted him worked very much in my favor in the long run.
I am managing one day at a time, sometimes only one hour at a time, thanks for asking , it really helped my PMA!
Sorry about not starting a thread in MLC yet, but I have been a tad busy. I did spend some time at amazon ordering books on H's MLC last week. They should arrive this week. Boy, do I have some reading to do .
Don't worry, I don't plan on contacting BMOW's H any time soon, if at all. My gut feelings are telling me no and I am trying to learn to pay attention to them!
Interestingly, as I have been and still am the withdrawn one (working on that) in our R and he was the fixer, I decided to try a 180 on him this week to test out that DR technique and his response. He has been in contact with me everyday since last Tuesday! Before my 180 (I contacted him and asked him how he was doing instead of vice-versa), he contacted me once every week or two, and I had only contacted him once, maybe twice, since moving out. Also I have eliminated all sad, crying and attacking behavior in his presence. As far as he is concerned, I am a happy girl just getting on with my life. What BMOW? There is a BMOW?
On Saturday, he had to take his kids back to the airport and he invited me to go. Since I hadn't gotten to see the kids yet this visit and the ride to the airport is almost two hours, I accepted his invite so that I could show everyone that I am happy and doing ok. The kids actually appeared happy to see me! I chatted with them and had a nice drive there. They wanted hugs before boarding their planes and asked about spending some time with me this summer. All in all it was very positive. H didn't say too much. I think his kids are realizing that the crux of the problem may be with their Dad!
In my convo with the kids, I learned that H put up a Christmas tree, but didn't decorate it . I think it had two ornaments on it that he got as gifts this year!! I learned that H did very little to nothing in preparing the house for their visit, ie, no clean bathroom, no clean sheets on bed, no clean house. H's response: not enough time . Also some friend had given H some used living room furniture to replace what I had taken when I moved out and I learned that the furniture smelled really stinky from wherever it came from. The comment got back to me that his house now looks and smells very much like a bachelor pad. . Not too conducive for children visiting.
His biggest concern used to be that the house should not change for his kid's sake, so that it would cut down on any trauma from his first divorce when they visited. I am afraid that they were shell-shocked this visit, but did really well in keeping their true feelings to themselves. I don't know how healthy that would be for them to do, or continue doing, but it was their response this visit. They most likely let loose with everything to their mom (his first W) when they got home. I am curious if she will contact H (they are on speaking terms) to find out what's up!
Anyway, I will start my MLC thread soon. Keep watching for it!
Happy New Year to Everyone!
LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Hey LG sounds like you been through the ringer, me to. My W said alot of mean things to me and did a lot of mean things to make me leave. Sound like your H is doing the same thing, but im not sure, im really new at this to. We are both in Tx ( you and I), I think there is a OW in my R as well but I cant prove it. I have met some really incredible people here. All are very supportive and i get lots of good advice from them. I you need to, lean on me, I lean on others here when im low and they never fail me. I would love the opportunity to give back. So I am here if you need me. My thread is "Im hurting bad" RonS in new comers or my IM is horseman42960 "yahoo". Dont give up the faith and utilize all the resources here, there is a lot of them. And start a journal here as people can lend advise. But mostly (all you do, do for you). Belive none of what he say's and only half of what you see. God Bless You
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming –
WOW -- What a Ride!
Hi Ron--nice to meet you, even though I would prefer to meet under much different circumstances than ours!
I read your thread in the Newcomers section. Wow. How I felt your pain all over again. My own pain is just becoming bearable with the help of antidepressants (I'm on two different ones!), counseling and especially this website. It still amazes me how when I follow a thread of someone describing their situation, it describes my H's behavior almost exactly. Very, very sad and rather eerie. Perhaps over time and after lots of reading the many threads here, I can learn to predict his upcoming behavior. It might be kinda fun freaking him out that way in the future!
In your thread, you mentioned that your W had told you that you were "trying too hard." My H has said those exact words to me. And he makes absolutely no sense either. Because of that, I will keep in mind your comment, "Believe none of what he say's and only half of what you see."
Keep in touch and I'll do the same! God Bless to you also.
LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Just wanted to let anyone interested know that I did start my thread in the MLC forum. It's the only lost_girl thread there. Should be easy to find. I'll keep checking this one, so if you want to continue commenting, please do so .
LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
I am no longer surprised though by his odd behavior since I have learned it is normal for MLC sufferers. All this time I have been going crazy wanting to know why my H was acting so strangely and it turns out he has turned into an alien pod person from the MLC! I have such relief now knowing his behavior is "normal"!! 
). I still, nearly 5 years later, have this minor obsession with wanting to talk to that man, but it is one thing that worked out best for me - having never contacted him worked very much in my favor in the long run. 
. I think it had two ornaments on it that he got as gifts this year!! I learned that H did very little to nothing in preparing the house for their visit, ie, no clean bathroom, no clean sheets on bed, no clean house. H's response: not enough time 
. Also some friend had given H some used living room furniture to replace what I had taken when I moved out and I learned that the furniture smelled really stinky from wherever it came from. The comment got back to me that his house now looks and smells very much like a bachelor pad. 
. Not too conducive for children visiting. 