Edgar, sorry to hear about the rough goings. The FB stuff I know would crush me. I can't give too much advice about how to combat R with OM. I know in my sitch I was a dummy and invited her to functions that involved our S, only for her to shoot them down before they even totally came out of my mouth, and probably set me back because of my pursuit. I think in my sitch it was way too soon for me to be inviting her. I wouldn't go totally dark though if I were you. I'd continue with the TM, but let her initiate most of the TM and don't always reply right away. I think you said you've been doing this, and if you were continue. Before you can start doing things together, we need to become friends, and build from there. A few good conversations I don't think cut it. I don't think I will try to invite my W to anything until January (if even then). Although I don't have an OM to worry about (at least not yet), and our S keeps W and I in contact a lot more than you get, that is just my plan for my sitch. You can say you are planning to do stuff yourself (like the hiking) and let her invite herself. I know it is so hard not to over analyze everything, I do the same.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Thanks for the support CO1978. As a big picture item, the main thing is that I did not drink, so that is still going well. You're right, it was too soon to invite her anywhere and I shouldn't have done it. It just kind of came out since she said she'd love to go and the conversation was going so well. We've been talking almost every day for the past week or so and I think I'm going to cut that off for a while. I'll talk to her if she initiates contact, but I think I've been coming on a little fast for the time being. It's so hard, as all of you know to not overstep when you're getting a positive response. I was able to talk to my counselor this afternoon and we came up with a few things.
No contact for at least 5 days and reevaluate at that point. That is, unless she initiates.
Don't make any decisions while I'm upset, such as ending my DB and starting to move on. I have time to evaluate that later.
Do some things for myself this weekend. I'm going to go hiking and do some much needed work around the house.
Stop looking at her facebook page. That's going to be the hardest of all for me.
Anyway, I stepped back and realized that I've come a long way. 2 months ago, I would have pressured her into an argument about our relationship and would have begged and pleaded for her to come back. At least I was able to exercise that self control and keep that out of it. So, we're not really any worse off than we were, but I think she sent the signal today to not pursue too much. My hope is that she is talking to me at all because she has feelings still. I mean, it'd be easy for her to never respond to me or tell me not to text her so I'm ok there for now. I just need to back off and let her initiate a few. I hate that, it's excruciating looking at my phone every time i get an email, text or phone call and hoping it's her. Thanks again everyone for the support. I will speak to my DB coach early next week and I've set a plan to make no contact with my EX until then at least (unless she initiates).
Self control? Ugg I know that is SOOO hard. I know its so easy to say "when she calls don't always answer." I hear her ring tone go and I run to my phone like a kid running to open Christmas presents. Very smart to stop looking at her FB. I think my W pretty much stopped posting on there, since she knows I reactived my FB account again after she left, but I still find myself looking. The most important thing is the journey we made since being left. If you can look at yourself in the mirror and truely say you are better than you win regardless of the outcome of the DB. Although we will all be happier to get 2 wins out of this
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Stop looking at her facebook page. That's going to be the hardest of all for me.
At some point in the past month my W must have added me to the filtered group of people who cannot see her status updates (for example SS in on this list too). At first it really hit me that she did this... but you know what? It's been a blessing. I often have Facebook up at work as I'm frequently tweaking any number of the FB pages that different programs I manage have. Before the block I would get the stream of updates from her or comments on other pages. Each one was like this little jab/reminder. Now... nothing. Granted I don't know what she's saying, but it's also out of sight/out of mind.
And either she doesn't care or she didn't think this through all the way... but she didn't block my mom or my niece. So when she does post something really out of character (well, in character for her now, but out of her old character) one of them usually calls me and asks what the heck is going on with W.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
The FB pages are torture aren't they? Maybe I haven't made this clear on this forum, but it's something I've discussed with my IC and my DB coach. She blocked me on FB a few months ago. It started out with her saying that she didn't like seeing thyings I was posting about me going here or there without her. Anyway, now I probably realize that she was talking to the OM before she told me it was over with us. Anyway, the way I can see her page is to login through a page she made for one of our dogs some time ago and has long since forgotten about. So, she doesn't even know I can see it. It has really become sort of an obsession with me I guess and I check it all day long. I analyze and read things into both what she does post and what she doesn't post. For example, if she goes a few days without a post from OM then I think maybe they're having trouble or something. Yesterday was the opposite. Anyway, I've got to stop looking at it. I have a friend who is going to allow me to give her the password to the dog's page and then she will change it so I can't see it any longer. She's going to monitor it for me for important information like a break up or engagement, etc. I've resisted it for quite some time but in talking to my IC yesterday we finally decided I have to pull the plug on it. It's going to be very hard for me to let go of that last form of "contact." It's funny b/c usually after a good conversation with me, she will post how much she loves him or something on there. And it really hurt to see her post how she was finally happy and that she had not been so for several years. It hurts to know I caused her such pain and unhappiness.
Today is starting out a little better I guess. Most of the morning I've just been angry at her which is all the more reason to cut off contact for a while. I'm hoping all of this means that I just moved a little to fast for her and it's not that she's actually moved on and doesn't want to deal with me anymore. But if that was the case, why would she still talk to me when we text each other?
If she posts something like that after every good conversation with you, her posting that kind of stuff on her FB might be her trying to convince herself that she actually feels that way. It would be totally different if she posted that kind of stuff after an argument with you. In reality though, we can't possibly know what is going on in her head, heck she probably doesn't either.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Well, the weekend went pretty good I'd say. I stayed busy hiking on saturday morning with one of my dogs and working around my house. I've done better about not checking the FB page, probably once on Saturday and once this morning. I've started doing a yoga routine as well and hopefully that will make me feel a bit better as I can become more flexible and it should help calm my mind just a bit. I'm also going to begin with some meditations as well, something I haven't done in ages.
As for contact with my EX, she contacted me on Friday and we talked for just a while. I was driving back from an errand about an hour away and we had a nice discussion about a beautiful sunset that was taking place. It seemed like she was glad to be talking about it with me. Anyway, probably against protocol but I asked her to come by and help me set up something for the dogs and she said she'd be glad to. I got the stuff I need and let her know that on Saturday. then I just told her to let me know whenever is convenient for her and we could get it taken care of. Both my IC and my spiritual advisor thought it would be good if she could see me face to face since it seems she's really fighting hard against feelings she has for me. Maybe some face to face contact could help. Also, it will give her a chance to see lots of the changes I've made to the house. We'll see if she actually will come and do it. I'm not going to mention anything else about it to her.
Its not against protocol to invite her over for help with the dog, as long as you keep it to just that. Thank her if and when she does help and leave it at that. If she brings up anything else, thats fine to talk about. Other than maybe a compliment saying "wow you look really good" when you see her, you got to keep all your feelings and emotions bottled up.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Its not against protocol to invite her over for help with the dog, as long as you keep it to just that. Thank her if and when she does help and leave it at that. If she brings up anything else, thats fine to talk about. Other than maybe a compliment saying "wow you look really good" when you see her, you got to keep all your feelings and emotions bottled up.
Well I will definitely keep it just at that. I'm interested to see if she actually does come over or if she conveniently forgets. It's not something I have to have done but it's something she knows how to do and I don't. She's really been trying to avoid me lately.
Well, today has been a rough day for whatever reason. Started off the day checking her FB page. You think I'd learn from that at some point. I've done better about not checking it, but it's been creeping back in (the urge to check it) over the week. Anyway, that made me angry at her as I tend to get a lot of the time lately. I get mad that she's off having fun with the OM and is really not wanting any sort of relationship with me. I get frustrated because I feel like I'm finally being the person she wanted me to be all these years and now she wants none of it. It's hard to DB when she doesn't even know you're doing it. I know I've scored some points at times, but then she just pulls right back. So I guess it just makes me angry.
I initiated again today on the advice of my spiritual advisor. I've got so many people giving me advice I don't know which direction to go sometimes. But they are all ok with contact if she is responding well. Even though my IC said back off for a while. She had a final exam today and has been stressing about it so I texted her good luck on it and I knew she'd do well. She said "thanks!" and then I told her I got our dog's stitches out yesterday and the vet said everything was perfect and she said "good! good :-)" Then I guess I overstepped a bit and said I hoped she had a fantastic day today and she never responded to that. So I've been down about that all day.
I've got an appointment for another DB coach session tomorrow afternoon so I'm really looking for some positive reinforcement. My DB coach is so good at finding little positives that I miss and I always feel better after that. Also, I'm volunteering at the salvation army tomorrow to distribute angel tree gifts to the families that signed up for them so I'm excited about that too. There are good things going on, but I just feel like I am making ZERO progress towards getting my ex back. One thing I have gotten good at, is to not do things I know will push her away. Any support or good vibes are welcome guys, I'm in need of them today. Thanks!
