Hello to all! I am really hoping that I get to know a lot of you in this community and make some great new friends. I could sure use the support!! I have been lurking a bit the past few days and finally got up enough nerve to post.
Here's my story:
On October 16th I discovered that my H was having an intense EA/PA with his new business manager. I would like to refer to her as the BMOW (business manager/other woman) because I just enjoy seeing the letters BM in front of the OW!! Pardon me, but it is my perverse sense of humor, which was something I thought my husband loved about me at one point in the past. But I digress...
I came home from work that evening and started checking my email as usual. In the process, I found email that my husband had sent to the BMOW where he had professed his love and devotion to her. The email that I found was in the BMOW email account that had been mysteriously (hmmmmm...) left open on my computer from earlier in the day. You have to understand that she would often come to our house to work (should be read as "work") on the business with my husband and she had set up an email account on my home computer (which was appropriately located in the home office)to use when she worked there.
My husband came home from work shortly thereafter that day and found me hyperventilating and having a massive panic attack. I showed him the email I had found and he was forced to confess. We talked/cried long into the night. I cried because of the betrayal, deceit and lies and he cried because I now knew of the affair. Fun and games were over for him, or so I thought...
A week later, after lavishing me with his time and affections and having me believe the EA/PA was over, H went to spend the day/evening with BMOW to "work" on the business (it is a new start-up internet business) and stupidly I let him go. At this time BMOW did not know that I knew, and I was under the impression he was going to break it off with her that night and let her go as an employee and lover. I was so naive...
Midnight comes and goes so I call his cell phone. No answer. I dial again. No answer. I dialed that cell phone of his repeatedly for about 20 minutes when I finally heard someone answer it and then just as quickly hang it up. I was steaming by then. So I dialed right back and my H finally picked up. He was infuriated that I was calling him! His story was that he was changing the tire of one of BMOW's friends. (Uh yeah sure at 1 in the morning by now.) He said time just got away from him and then he got downright nasty to me. I had never heard my H speak to me in that tone of voice before, nor heard him say the ugly things he said to me. I was crushed. I guess the BMOW was within hearing distance and he had to protect their R, you know, save face. He finally came home about 3 am and was still ugly to me. I slept in the den.
The next day I was out apartment shopping for myself. It had quickly becoming apparent to me who was more important to him and besides he was beginning to act like someone I did not know at all. So I left and became a WAW. Whether it was the right or wrong thing to do I still can't tell you, but I was not going to subject myself on a regular basis to the kind of behavior he treated me to that one night.
So here I am in my little apartment now, trying to decide if I want to work on the relationship alone. Essentially he has shown no remorse or regret or even apologized for the EA/PA. He has told me that he WILL NOT end his R with the BMOW because she is too important to his life and his business and he is positive that together they will make millions on the internet. According to H, BMOW is his lover, his best friend, he is in love with her and he can tell her anything! After having that statement thrown in my face, I asked my H what I was to him. His reply, "Why, you are my W." And please let me clarify, I am the second W. My first marriage, his second.
I have consulted a lawyer and I have put the D on hold for now because when I told my H I was consulting a lawyer about a D, he went ballistic. I can assure you he is all for the D, but wants me to hold off until his dotcom business starts making millions. Then he can send me happily on my way after paying me off. Gee, I can't think of anything more that would make a girl feel special like a tramp than that. He would really hate a D to have a detrimental effect on his start up business right now. He said if that happened it would just be one more thing he blamed me for ruining and he would hate me forever. So I think I will let him mess the business up all by himself!
I agreed to postpone the D only if he would compromise for me. I told him I knew asking him to get rid of the BMOW was out of the question, but I told him I wanted him to come to do joint counseling with me to help me understand what had happened and what was happening to me and to us and our marriage. Surprisingly and for whatever reason, he agreed! Our next session is tomorrow.
I apologize if I turned anyone off reading this, but today was a bad day for me and I felt a need to vent a bit. If I can't vent here where others are going through what I am going through, where can I vent? Besides my H is online right now IMing his BMOW (I'm sure only about the business) and I am hurting.
I am looking forward to making this my new home and meeting new friends! So, please, comment away...
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Hello Pattie--ignoring the circumstances, nice to meet you!
I do have the two books, DB and DR and are studying them intensely, however I am still in so much pain I remain ambivalent about reconciliation. My thoughts right now are even if he came to me professing undying love, and that he had been so, so wrong and could I please forgive him and work on the marriage with him, I don't even know if I would feel like doing so. I sure hope this is a normal feeling at this time.
When reading the two books, most notably DR, I am intrigued by the 180, TLR and going dark. In our R, I was the withdrawn one, he would come to me and "fix" the problem. Since I was the one to leave, I am still the withdrawn one, so he is getting essentially the same treatment. I guess he got tired of that after 8 years. Personally, I can't blame him for that.
So, I don't really know what my next move should be. Do I start a "pursuit", which would be a 180 for me? He wants this BMOW really badly. If I start "pursueing" him, what kind of reaction should I expect? Will he run faster and more often to BMOW?
I tried to get him to respond to my instant messages last night when he was online with BMOW. He ignored me. Yes, I was nice and sarcasm was at zero! I plan on asking him why he ignored me in our counseling session today. I hope he tells me the truth!
Back to work for me.
LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
LG, Is there any way you can move back into YOUR home? You left and its where they worked. You mad it way to easy for him. That is your home. He should have been the one to leave. Kim
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
You have asked a very relevant question and made some extremely relevant statements. I am afraid that before I can answer, however, I will have to provide a little more detail about our R, and I don't have the time now while at work. And I am fixing to have to leave to attend our counseling session on my lunch hour, but I will elaborate at a point in the very near future. If I can't get to it during the day today, I will certainly get after it this evening.
Thanks for your question and comments.
LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
At this time, in answer to your first question, no, my H will not let me move back in. He is convinced that until I change my behavior according to his requirements, and until he believes it is a permanent change, I am stuck living elsewhere. Because, according to him, this is all my fault and I drove him to the BMOW. He is just barely able to admit in counseling that he might have played a small part in our marital unhappiness. This is a small positive baby step! And please understand that I am able to see now how I contributed negatively to our R and am working steadily to change my behavior, but for me, not him.
Yes I made the choice to leave and yes our house is where they worked, but only part of the time when it was convenient for them. Most of the time my H would drive to BMOW's city (an hour away where she lives), and they would "work" at her house while her two children (D4 and D2) were in daycare and her H was at work. When they could not "work" at either our house or her house for whatever reason, they simply went to a motel room and "worked". I know all this because my husband confessed it in a weak moment when he saw how badly I was devastated at one point.
As far as our house being my home, no, I'm sorry but, it has never been my home. I simply lived there with my H for 81/2 yrs. To explain, my H got the house in his first D. He would not allow me do anything to it to make it "mine" or even "ours" for the first 6 years of our marriage because when his kids came to visit at Christmas and over the summer each year when they were little, he wanted the house exactly as it was before his first D, so that their trauma was lessened when visiting. (They were S8 and D3 when we married.) His first W left a lot of furniture and appliances also that were familiar to them, so we had to purchase very little when we first married.
So I internalized the hurt, thinking he could do nor say anything wrong (this was in the honeymoon phase of our R still) and became a resident in his house. In fact, thinking back now, he used to tease me about the mail when it came addressed to "occupant" or "resident" and hand it to me and say, "Here is your mail." So it has never been my home.
We were married 6 yrs before he finally allowed me to do a little remodeling, but that was only after we had a water leak in the front bathroom and it was inevitable. So after much discussion, I got to redo the bathroom. He liked it so much that he then allowed me to redo a hallway, the dining room and the living room. He liked that so much that he allowed me to have a privacy fence installed around the backyard after having a pool put in. I paid for all these things myself out of my full-time job pay.
Then he developed this idea for an internet business that was going to make millions and that is where BMOW comes in. They met over, yes, the internet. And amazingly, she only happened to live an hour away in the same state so they got to meet in person and hit it off from there.
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Well, I found out in joint counseling today why Monday was such a horrible day (low PMA day?) for me: the BMOW was with H and H's family (they are in town for the holidays) at our house all day. Nothing like family support. There's a fine slap on both cheeks (four cheeks, perhaps?) for me. They were all merrily working on the multimillion dollar dotcom business together. I guess my subconscious felt the vibes and as a result I was down all day. Scary.
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Hello LG, Well I'm glad that you are in your own place then. Do you and H have any kids of your own? Is OW still married? How much reading have you done about affairs and relationships? It is very important that you find something that makes you happy and stay busy. Kim
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
My H and I have no kids of our own. He used to tell me early in our relationship that we would make beautiful children together whenever I was ready to start. I just needed to let him know when I was ready, but in the meantime we could "practice" lots making babies. I have never been real adamant about having kids of my own, but when the biological clock got to me at about age 35 or so I seriously thought about it and approached him. By this time however, he had changed his mind. So such is my fate. I am told that in my situation, not having kids involved is a good thing, even if it would force us to interact. So I am thankful there are no kids of our own.
Yes the BMOW is still married. It's the second time for her also, I understand. I can't get a read on her R with her H though from my husband, mostly I think because he wants to protect her from me. Apparently BMOW's R with her H is not a happy one either just due to the fact that she is involved with my H. I just don't know if she wants to work on her marriage, even for the sake of her kiddos. Either my husband wants to leave me with the impression, or it is true, I don't know, but I think if my husband asked her to ride off into the sunset with him and start all over (she would have to leave her kids with her H) she would jump on it!
As soon as I learned about the affair, I went to amazon.com and spent hundreds of $$ on all the books that I could find on affairs and relationships that appealed to me. I had boxes of books arriving for weeks! Of course, I had gotten DB and DR. I spend most of my free time outside of my job reading and journaling and thinking. Last night I finally got to the chapter in DR that discusses dealing with your H's midlife crisis. I almost skipped over it thinking it was an unnecessary read at this time, but I started reading it anyway and lo and behold, I think I have an answer to the EA/PA!!!!! My husband is having an MLC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so glad I read that chapter! Now I have something to work with, so now it's back to amazon.com to look up books on the male MLC!! Michele could have been interviewing my husband when she wrote that chapter! My H leaped off the page at me and I was so relieved to learn what I am dealing with. I just never would have thought this of him!
Thank you for your concern about keeping myself happy. I am busier now than I have ever been in my life! I work full-time so that helps tremendously. I am a new Christian (I was baptized Dec. 21st!!) and involvement in my church and learning about the Lord and reading his Word takes a lot of my time, plus the support I am receiving from the church has been a tremendous help and comfort to me. Today is starting off as a high PMA day. Can you tell?
Well, I am off to face the day and what it brings. I will update later on the joint session that I had with H yesterday. I get an individual session today and you can bet we will be exploring the MLC!
Happy New Year's Eve and Hugs to all!!
LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
We all do, otherwise we'd explode.
(they are in town for the holidays) at our house all day. Nothing like family support. There's a fine slap on both cheeks (four cheeks, perhaps?) for me. They were all merrily working on the multimillion dollar dotcom business together. I guess my subconscious felt the vibes and as a result I was down all day. Scary.
I have never been real adamant about having kids of my own, but when the biological clock got to me at about age 35 or so I seriously thought about it and approached him. By this time however, he had changed his mind. So such is my fate. I am told that in my situation, not having kids involved is a good thing, even if it would force us to interact. So I am thankful there are no kids of our own. 
Michele could have been interviewing my husband when she wrote that chapter! My H leaped off the page at me and I was so relieved to learn what I am dealing with. I just never would have thought this of him!