Beginning now...

[AntoniaB]

Understand I'm not advocating being vindictive, and I think my post might come off that way. I'm advocating being more protective of your own stress level here, of protecting what you can personally take. Maybe it's still too "raw" for you to negotioate big family events with his family, and until it hurts you less/causes you less anxiety, find ways around these big events and substitute your appearance at them in ways that are not so detrimental to you psychologically.

[Kimmerz]

IB, I too have wanted to be rescued since this whole ordeal began for me 7 months ago. I mean wouldn't it be nice to just take a vacation from ourselves for a while? Be rescued and not have to worry or have a care in the world for a while? I mean the emotions hit us like tidal waves and it's almost like grasping at anything to survive the next emotional tidal wave that comes.

I even prayed for a rebound relationship to land in my lap just for the distraction. Just to feel like a person again, just to feel like Im not damaged. I needed a band aid, something to numb the pain, anything for relief. I've wanted to run and hide. I've wanted to just not deal with it all. Then I wondered if I was heading into MLC from stbx's MLC! That helped me get a better grip!

So I just told myself I was on this rollercoaster whether I wanted to be or not, so I better just suck it up and just go through whatever emotion was going to be thrown at me for the day, and see where it got me.

Guess what? It really does get better! I feel like I've resurfaced from the Abyss and have my head above water. Now the next journey is just swimming to land..... one stroke at a time.

The only way we get there is just to go through it. Embrace it, feel the emotions you're feeling. Don't fight them, just feel them. Undersand them, heck make friends with them.

It wasn't until I allowed myself to stop fighting these emotions did I finally start to feel like I made progress.

[irishblessings]

My former in-laws are very nice to me - they were never a real close family but always kind and loving. They fb me and I am still close to nieces and nephews. You are right though - needs to be on my terms and away from X and OW.

Thanks for helping me re-think this situation.

[irishblessings]

Update...

Last night, XH and ENTIRE family shows up to son's game. OW accompanies - dressed all out in school gear - foolish!! Son's team loses on last second shot - so sad. Son comes out very down. We talk and he's trying to keep it together - but he's so angry and frustrated. XH and OW come strolling down the hall. S starts trembling and clinching his teeth. I say - don't displace your feelings from the game. You need to walk away for a minute or keep it together. He walks away. He has spent zero time with XH's family. XH has texted him several time "Hey wanna come over..." Son has not responded.

My former BIL texted me though tonight and said his kids would love to come see me for a while! I broke down - so happy and so excited to spend some time with them.

Many flashbacks today - had a "family" dinner for son's 18th birthday. Both daughters come in and my sister. We had a GREAT time - lots of laughs, just like old times. Just thinking about all that X is missing out on. SO much!!!

It's going to be ok though. It's going to be ok.

[beatrice]

IB my eldest son said something very wise recently - he said the MLCer has an inability to be on their own and an inability to be with those whom they really love.

yes, they miss a lot, but we have to try and not let that interfere with what is good in these events. My greatest regret is the time I spent sighing over my really by now pretty worthless xh! We had a great marriage which he chose to end. I can do nothing about his choices, and even regretting them on his behalf is a waste of time. But Lord it has taken me YEARS to get there!

[irishblessings]

Beatrice -
Couldn't say it any better! I will not lose a moment of joy with my kids, family and friends.
IB

[job]

IB,
I agree w/you....Bea, I couldn't have said it any better. Your son is a very wise young man.

IB,
Enjoy the time you spend w/your children. They are very precious and the jewels in your tiara. Your life is beginning anew and w/o the rose colored glasses, you will see the world in a more positive way, which will open the door for many friendships to develop in the years to come.

Bea,
Your pearls of wisdom are most appreciated and come along at the right time.

Enjoy the day ladies!

[irishblessings]

Help me understand how a man spends a weekend celebrating the holidays with his parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, new girlfriend, her grandchildren and NONE of his own children. It's not just that he attends events - no, he HOSTS 25 people in his apartment! See how WONDERFUL his life is?????

What is it about MLC that destroys the truth? Is there anything honest about the whole experience? Does he really feel the life we shared was so abysmal that it wasn't worth another day? Did he truly hate everything we were or everything we were becoming? Was there truly no way he could lead our marriage and our family into a life to be proud of?

Proving everyone wrong? Running away?

I don't want to sound like a broken record. I just want to understand.

[beatrice]

IB - you won't understand. That is the way they are. If you try and understand that sort of why, as opposed to what stresses might have prompted the crisis, you will go crazy. Trust me on that.

I have probably read as much as most about why people go into MLC [if anyone really knows] but as to what causes them/or why they shoose to do those crazy things . . . i could tell you toe curling stories about things my xh has done.

Enjoy your life and stop trying to relate to his. You can't because it is crazy. Trying to enter his mad world won't help you deal with the new realit of your life, and it is an illusion to think it will. it is born of frustration at dealing with someone who has changed beyond all recognition.

Acceptance that it is the way it is, is the hardest part.

[AntoniaB]

I understand the "need" to want to know why, but I agree with Beatrice, it just isn't going to happen. I mean, I guess in the very rare instances where someone comes out of MLC and is really honest with him/herself about the whole thing and gets some form of help and mends all the fences, maybe those people give others SOME insight into what they did/why, but often they too will just say "I could see myself doing X and Y and didn't know why."

I just read this article by Bernie Madoff's son's suicide which I guess happened some time ago; it was written by his wife who says she will never make any sense of it as she says right before he killed himself, he had written her all this stuff about how happy he was. When I read that article, I thought, you know, now THERE is someone who is facing something even more difficult than a lot of us, a person who just wakes up one day to find that everything is a lie AND the husband took his own life.

Let me spin this for you differently: we always say we are all a part of all the people we have met and all the people in our lives who are close to us change us in some way.

Perhaps whatever "good" face these people are able to show to the world, even if we're not part of that world, is there primarily because of OUR association with them in the past?

I just reconciled with a friend with whom I'd had a big falling out. She is a fairly new teacher. Even in the time she and I were estranged, she admitted that it was "killing her" to not be able to talk to me about her insecurities at work (and I had many moments where I had a knee-jerk reaction to want to talk to her too and could not). And I know that my "influence" on her and her on me carried with us even when we weren't speaking and off in our own little worlds.

Just something to think about.

I keep thinking about Byron Katie's book and her whole thing about how you need to isolate the thing that is hurting us and we need to spin it differently.

As in, if it hurts us all to see these people "move on" publicly, hosting parties, being social with others, etc, to the exclusion of those who were once a huge part of their lives, we than have to ask ourselves, who would we be, what would life be like, if we didn't have this hurt, if we just said we're not going to keep asking why or wondering how this can be, and honestly, we'd probably find it easier to move on ourselves.