At this time, in answer to your first question, no, my H will not let me move back in. He is convinced that until I change my behavior according to his requirements, and until he believes it is a permanent change, I am stuck living elsewhere. Because, according to him, this is all my fault and I drove him to the BMOW. He is just barely able to admit in counseling that he might have played a small part in our marital unhappiness. This is a small positive baby step! And please understand that I am able to see now how I contributed negatively to our R and am working steadily to change my behavior, but for me, not him.
Yes I made the choice to leave and yes our house is where they worked, but only part of the time when it was convenient for them. Most of the time my H would drive to BMOW's city (an hour away where she lives), and they would "work" at her house while her two children (D4 and D2) were in daycare and her H was at work. When they could not "work" at either our house or her house for whatever reason, they simply went to a motel room and "worked". I know all this because my husband confessed it in a weak moment when he saw how badly I was devastated at one point.
As far as our house being my home, no, I'm sorry but, it has never been my home. I simply lived there with my H for 81/2 yrs. To explain, my H got the house in his first D. He would not allow me do anything to it to make it "mine" or even "ours" for the first 6 years of our marriage because when his kids came to visit at Christmas and over the summer each year when they were little, he wanted the house exactly as it was before his first D, so that their trauma was lessened when visiting. (They were S8 and D3 when we married.) His first W left a lot of furniture and appliances also that were familiar to them, so we had to purchase very little when we first married.
So I internalized the hurt, thinking he could do nor say anything wrong (this was in the honeymoon phase of our R still) and became a resident in his house. In fact, thinking back now, he used to tease me about the mail when it came addressed to "occupant" or "resident" and hand it to me and say, "Here is your mail." So it has never been my home.
We were married 6 yrs before he finally allowed me to do a little remodeling, but that was only after we had a water leak in the front bathroom and it was inevitable. So after much discussion, I got to redo the bathroom. He liked it so much that he then allowed me to redo a hallway, the dining room and the living room. He liked that so much that he allowed me to have a privacy fence installed around the backyard after having a pool put in. I paid for all these things myself out of my full-time job pay.
Then he developed this idea for an internet business that was going to make millions and that is where BMOW comes in. They met over, yes, the internet. And amazingly, she only happened to live an hour away in the same state so they got to meet in person and hit it off from there.
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
