Bottled up. That is the word for how I feel most of the time. I appear to be AOK, full steam ahead, self reliant and confident. Actually, I often feel I need to scream!!! Case in point, I went to a memorial service for a schoolmate that died last Friday. I was LOOKING FORWARD to someone wrenching my guts out of me, to let it out, and I just didn't. Pushing myself to BE STRONG.
Yes, Pei is right, we want it to BE OVER, and the perception of us having it all together and moving on may help, but inside ??? When I am alone, at night, all the insecurities and grief and rage comes out, but not as a healthy emotion. As a pounding headache, nightmare, panic attack. I feel stuck. I can't cry and get it out, and I can't move along. I do not want to wallow, but can't seem to get out of the butt crack I'm in emotionally.
When this all began, I couldn't STOP crying. Now, I can't cry. Everything is stopped up like a toilet. Dangerous waters. I'm afraid I'll go postal on a patient at work or something.
