I agree that cake eating isn't quite the right term, but couldn't think of one to cover that period of time when the person who has had the EA is still minimizing their level of emotional involvement, the amount of choice they had in making contact, and the effect on their spouse. They seem to hope that they can have 2 things at once: a great marriage AND good feelings/friendship/memories with the OW.
My H also insisted that it would be unavoidable and necessary to keep in contact with his OW for work projects; however, once the emotions which drove him through this period changed, he made arrangements so that they would never have to work together, or be at conferences together, again. Then, he had no desire to see her again, and stopped envisioning her as a completely innocent party in their EA.
Angel, I think that, the better your R becomes, the more your H will lose his need for the OW. But you need to let him come to that place--pushing him faster than he's ready to go will just backfire on you because it is controlling. So keep giving him the space to work on himself, and try to work on your sense of trust that your H (and God) will deliver, without needing you to push as well.
