Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

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And they also reveal a number of similarities between the way you and I think (a recognition of another person with views/experiences that are similar enough that they are recognizable at somedeeper level).

Agreed, I believe that's why your original advice really spoke to me is that I recognized a kindred spirit.

there can occur a perceived point in time where the past becomes the past and there is only "now" and "in the future."

Yes, I know what you're saying, but I also know I'm not quite there yet. I feel like I'm approaching it in 50% increments which means it seems like I'll never quite get there, but the distance keeps getting shorter and shorter to the goal.

To some degree it feels very surreal -- my W is back in many ways "as I remembered her", or as I perceived her character from the start. I did not believe that person was capable of cheating on me, so now that she's "back" the fact that she did seems somehow unbelievable again. I don't know if that makes sense. I do still get triggered to think about the betrayal now and again, but where I "go" emotionally when that happens is night and day compared to how it used to be.

I used to get severely depressed, whereas now I feel slight anger, greater frustration, and still predominantly sadness. It's getting better, but in many ways it's still hard to believe this has happened to me. If not for the positive changes I've made for myself, I really do wish I had a mind-eraser to block that knowledge out. In many ways, I have healed, but there is still more ground to cover, and this relationship will never be the same, there will always be a scar.

I have come to the realization that if she told me she was going to leave now, I would be much better prepared to handle it. I would know what emotions to expect, and what the path looks like. That knowledge is a comfort -- it will allow me to detach if I need to. At the same time, I believe that the realization that our wedding vows are not "sacred" has driven a wedge where the marriage cannot be a place of safety and security like it once was, and that's a regrettable loss.

However, I also picked up something else...that "before" and to a large extent even now, left to her own, your wife would not engage in sexual activity. It seems that whatever that is, it does not have much to do with you.

Yes, the fact that it does not have to do with me is intellectually understandable, but emotionally challenging. As I've covered ad nauseum, this is an issue for me and not for her. Before getting married, I did have a few other longer term relationships, and at least a couple of them were really good sexually. However, in each case, many other things were missing. My W is the complete package for me in all the areas that matter *except* this one which unfortunately is quite important to me.

I think of it like a different model of Maslow's Hierarchy. At the top of the pyramid are the crucial issues in your marriage. These have to do with if the other person is "on your level" intellectually and in terms of emotional development, if you are genuinely attracted to the person physically and otherwise, and in my view, if you are sexually compatible.

The next layer down the pyramid may include your views on parenting, your politics, views on religion, etc.

Farther down might by hobbies and interests, musical preferences, what you like to eat, neatness, etc.

Ideally you're aligned with your spouse up and down the pyramid. If you're not, there will be conflict:

From my perspective, the things at the top are your "walkaway factors" -- that if those don't work out, you can't continue. The next level down are going to be divisive issues in your marriage and may be an ongoing source of tension, but probably won't end it in and of themselves. They will however simmer and cause ongoing angst if not resolved.

The lower level layers may lead to conflict in the moment, but they're minor annoyances and not things you dwell on.

In my situation, my top layer is very good with the exception of sexual compatibility. That's not so bad *right now* that I'm in a walkaway position, but it has the potential to become that important.

The next layer down (politics, religion, parenting, financials, etc.) we are almost 100% aligned, this has made our marriage virtually free of arguments.

In the bottom layer, we are more diverse, and these things are annoyances for both of us, but they're on the bottom level of the pyramid so they're just not that important.

At one level you are attempting to fulfill an old Doobie Brothers Album title (What were once vices are now habits). At some level, though, you are probably going to need to transition away from the avoidance of anxiety to a point where you are engaged "for" something in your marriage.

I don't understand what you're saying here, although I do like the Doobie Brothers, can you elaborate?

There are a lot of things I'm engaged "for" in the top and second level of my pyramid described above. If all those things weren't good, I wouldn't care about the sex because I wouldn't stay in the relationship.

I very much enjoyed Laurie Gerber's article, I hadn't heard of her before. I would LOVE to have my W read it, but that would be contrary to my new pledge to give it a break and see how things unfold.

I will see if Laurie has other articles that I might share with her along the lines of the non-sexual.

Thanks Captain,

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