Thank you for the insight. I really hadn't thought of W's telling me about what was bothering her as a gift. I really appreciate that.
Well, my IC sort of let me go today. Kind of out of the blue. We have had a 2 year (about) relationship, and she has been been clearly the best IC I have ever had (they are hard to come by - ones you really connect to, and feel you can trust).
Her reason for letting me go? in her own words, "There's nothing wrong with you." She said it over and over in our final session today. She gave me the referral for anger management (which she feels I do not need), and urged strongly that we go to MC.
Well, that is going to be a bit of a trick. You see, in the past we have tried MC, and I was the problem. I didn't really participate - looked down at the floor. I felt ashamed, because I was convinced that I was the problem. Last time we went, therapist asked what my dissatisfaction with M was, and I couldn't think of anything. My thought process was that I just wanted to be able to stop f--king things up! I just wanted to do things right, and I was sure that if I did, our M would be fine. So, I didn't say what I wanted. Additionally, I was no good at following up (ADD strikes again), so I didn't do the homework. Except last time, when therapist gave us homework to do together. I even (occasionally) reminded W that it was time to do it. But most of the times I pretty much neglected everything.
The result of all this is that W now feels that MC would be a waste of time, and she believes that I would never do anything to better our M. So it will take some convincing to get her into MC. But first I want to go through anger management - I hope that I can learn to be able to speak my mind clearly and nicely, so that when I am asked what I would like to be different about M I won't freeze up, but speak for myself productively. Don't want history to repeat itself. I want to make it count this time.
Anyway, (ex)IC feels that the problems now lie with W refusing to give up past wrongs and with the dynamic between us.
One of the things that has been occurring to me lately is the fact that so much of our problems come from the fact that I am afraid of W. I have let myself get to the point where I absolutely need her, as though she were oxygen. I become so afraid of her withdrawing from me that I pursue, and (in my worse times, which, contrary to her statements, are far more rare now) become agitated with frustration in trying to get her to turn back toward me. I don't know if she realizes it, but I think she leaverages this. She has the upper hand in all arguments, because she can pull back and make me fear losing her. My response is to get more and more desperate, and sometimes that desperation turns to anger, which is poorly controlled. I don't think she realizes that when I scare her, I am actually terrified by her. Not that it would matter if she did. The fact is that my fear is no excuse for losing my temper, anyway.
My fear of W also keeps me from voicing my own opinions and even my complaints about our R. I say that there is something I don't like, and she responds by telling me how I have no right to talk, and that shuts me right down. So usually I say nothing. In all honesty, I am sure I have done the same thing to her at times. But turnabout doesn't make things any better.
If I could deal with her anger by just walking away (this, of course, assuming I have judgment to recognize when she has a legitimate complaint and when she is just P.O.ed) I think I could cut off a lot of our arguments.
Then, imagine how the tone of things would differ, if I treated her well and did good things for her not because I wanted her to stay and be available for me, but just because I cared about her.
And this can only happen if I can be independent, able to stand on my own, live life on my own, be happy on my own. I need not to NEED her. Then I can WANT and LOVE her.
After all, her turning the cold shoulder to me should be a disappointment, not a crisis. I should not be afraid of her withholding her attention from me (heck, lately I have lived with it for weeks/months at a time!). I should be able to live my own life, and pursue what I value (being a good father, good professional, some things I enjoy) regardless of W's approval.
I know that all I have been saying is really just a reiteration of GAL, and that it is something we have all read about. I am just having a realization of what GAL means.
I'm not even sure that W realizes, but she can't be happy when I am under her heel any more than I can.
OK, I am pretty sure there were a couple more things I wanted to say. However, once I get started, I just type whatever comes to mind, and this is all I have for now. Type at you later.
Oh, by the way, I have never put down my "vital statistics," so here they are:
Me 45 W 42 T 20 M 18 => S 17, D 15, D 11, S 10, S 7, S/D? -5 mos. and counting... W not saying she wants D, but emotionally closed, refusing contact etc.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
