Ya know, I find myself looking at H and seeing a whirlwind and often sad picture. (which btw, I saw during phase 1 of the last time. This is where the fights btw OW and H will start to escalate.) He's extremely screwed up. He is *addicted* to the OW. He is trying to break away in little bits, but he allows himself to be lead by the nose, in order to see his daughter and what he doesn't realize, or can acknowledge is: In order to get his "fix" of OW's attention. He'll chase. Chase her, chase me, chase "what ifs", "if she does this" and "if she doesn't do that" type of hypotheticals. Round and round and round.
He was supposed to meet her at 11 to see daughter. She apparently makes him wait around til 2, no daughter visit. When he told me this, I simply said... I see. His voice lowered kinda like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar... and then he said he was going to go get my Christmas gift. I simply said: Alright, see you later. H: I love you, bye.
It's interesting that while on one hand, he'll say things that show the fog coming off (like this morning saying he figures he'll have to take her to court in January) ... his actions still have him unsteady and not 100% able to make that break. The more I think about it, the more it will be something "big" that blows the fog out from around his head. He won't try to come completely out of it until he is either arrested for a false charge, or she'll refuse to allow him to see daughter at all, something else equally drastic. It's not that I didn't know this, nor does it really surprise me, but I think the fact that I know this... is where some of my attitude comes from. I see someone I care about, in such a cesspool, and from knowledge, experience and way too much reading on the subject than I ever wanted to do... I know there's not a damn thing I can do for him, except nod and affirm the clarity moments. That and try to keep my demented sense of humor about just how wacko the OW is.
For the briefest of moments last night, he also had some moments of clarity, where I guess she was nagging him about he putting a restraining order on her and how she is the perpetual victim. And how she wanted him to feel badly for it... how she didn't deserve that, etc. She's looking for all the validation from a man who's brain is soup. Duh. It certainly helps when the OW is categorically a wackjob.
Oddly another moment of clarity was when we were talking about my other friends marriage troubles last night. The one who's H went alien after the death of 2 important people in his life. I said, I reached out to the LBW via a mutual friend... if she want to talk etc. I then added: She needs to let him go through his process. Just respect that it's his process to go through, not take it personally, and he'll figure it out eventually. H's words: Yes, that's right. He'll figure it out eventually, he just needs time.
I can't remember if it was Dr Harley or Fertel's or DB's that talks about respecting that process, but it came from a place for me that I keep coming back to. My H has to go through this process and although I don't like to use the word "let"... it sounds way too domineering, the reality is, ya have to LET them do their process. It's the only way they'll ever find their way back.
The final moment of clarity came when he found out that OW's H is spending WAY more time with her, than my H. It's not sitting well with him at all. (That's where the taking her to court comes from.) He just phoned back while I was typing this, and told me that they had a big drag em out fight, and she threatened to kill herself, (yes, please do! Would you like HELP?? ) that everyone would be better off without her, that she is always on the short end of the stick, she should just leave and never come back etc etc etc. My H is mad because essentially his words: she lets 15 other people spend more time with daughter than her father. There is NO reason, what so ever for daughter to not be here with my H tonight.
She's started the psycho thing. Surprise, surprise. Wasn't that pregnant hormones that she blamed for her behavior the last time? Hmmm... gonna be hard not to let that zinger out of my mouth if he mentions it again.
Me: I just finished another 3 hour course on cascading style sheets today, did some music, did a little cuddle time with the critters, even managed a wee nap, a nice hot shower and some play time with my favorite graphics program.
Tomorrow, shopping for my elderly grandmother. I love shopping for her. She's 91 and it's where I know I get a bit of my spunk
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
It certainly helps when the OW is categorically a wackjob. 
