Doing the "Friends" Route Pt 2...

[Abbey]

Journaling...

Ya know, I find myself looking at H and seeing a whirlwind and often sad picture. (which btw, I saw during phase 1 of the last time. This is where the fights btw OW and H will start to escalate.) He's extremely screwed up. He is *addicted* to the OW. He is trying to break away in little bits, but he allows himself to be lead by the nose, in order to see his daughter and what he doesn't realize, or can acknowledge is: In order to get his "fix" of OW's attention. He'll chase. Chase her, chase me, chase "what ifs", "if she does this" and "if she doesn't do that" type of hypotheticals. Round and round and round.

He was supposed to meet her at 11 to see daughter. She apparently makes him wait around til 2, no daughter visit. When he told me this, I simply said... I see. His voice lowered kinda like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar... and then he said he was going to go get my Christmas gift. I simply said: Alright, see you later. H: I love you, bye.

It's interesting that while on one hand, he'll say things that show the fog coming off (like this morning saying he figures he'll have to take her to court in January) ... his actions still have him unsteady and not 100% able to make that break. The more I think about it, the more it will be something "big" that blows the fog out from around his head. He won't try to come completely out of it until he is either arrested for a false charge, or she'll refuse to allow him to see daughter at all, something else equally drastic. It's not that I didn't know this, nor does it really surprise me, but I think the fact that I know this... is where some of my attitude comes from. I see someone I care about, in such a cesspool, and from knowledge, experience and way too much reading on the subject than I ever wanted to do... I know there's not a damn thing I can do for him, except nod and affirm the clarity moments. That and try to keep my demented sense of humor about just how wacko the OW is.

For the briefest of moments last night, he also had some moments of clarity, where I guess she was nagging him about he putting a restraining order on her and how she is the perpetual victim. And how she wanted him to feel badly for it... how she didn't deserve that, etc. She's looking for all the validation from a man who's brain is soup. Duh. It certainly helps when the OW is categorically a wackjob.

Oddly another moment of clarity was when we were talking about my other friends marriage troubles last night. The one who's H went alien after the death of 2 important people in his life. I said, I reached out to the LBW via a mutual friend... if she want to talk etc. I then added: She needs to let him go through his process. Just respect that it's his process to go through, not take it personally, and he'll figure it out eventually. H's words: Yes, that's right. He'll figure it out eventually, he just needs time.

I can't remember if it was Dr Harley or Fertel's or DB's that talks about respecting that process, but it came from a place for me that I keep coming back to. My H has to go through this process and although I don't like to use the word "let"... it sounds way too domineering, the reality is, ya have to LET them do their process. It's the only way they'll ever find their way back.

The final moment of clarity came when he found out that OW's H is spending WAY more time with her, than my H. It's not sitting well with him at all. (That's where the taking her to court comes from.) He just phoned back while I was typing this, and told me that they had a big drag em out fight, and she threatened to kill herself, (yes, please do! Would you like HELP?? ) that everyone would be better off without her, that she is always on the short end of the stick, she should just leave and never come back etc etc etc. My H is mad because essentially his words: she lets 15 other people spend more time with daughter than her father. There is NO reason, what so ever for daughter to not be here with my H tonight.

She's started the psycho thing. Surprise, surprise. Wasn't that pregnant hormones that she blamed for her behavior the last time? Hmmm... gonna be hard not to let that zinger out of my mouth if he mentions it again.

Me: I just finished another 3 hour course on cascading style sheets today, did some music, did a little cuddle time with the critters, even managed a wee nap, a nice hot shower and some play time with my favorite graphics program.

Tomorrow, shopping for my elderly grandmother. I love shopping for her. She's 91 and it's where I know I get a bit of my spunk

Abbey

[Abbey]

Oops... OW's H is spending more time with daughter than my H, it should have said.

[kml]

OW's H IS her daddy, as far as she's concerned. To that little child, your H is just some family friend who takes her out sometimes - OW's H is the man who was her father figure, and is the father to her siblings.

I understand your H's desire to parent his only child. Just try to remember that what HE wants and what is in the best interest of the CHILD, may not always be one and the same. She is not a possession to be fought over.

[Abbey]

I agree with you KML, more than you know.

"Possession" to be fought over is so accurate. OW uses daughter to manipulate and control, and my H is acting like she's a possession.

Sadly, he sees NO other way to have healthy access to his daughter most of the time. He has moments of clarity where he knows what it will take to have access to his daughter and not let both he and OW use her as a wishbone.

He told me all about their drag em out, last night. OW is balking at telling her H, about my H. So...once that does happen, that OW tells her H: My question was: Ok, to want end? (It's a technique that I learned in T in 2008). His answer: I'll have more access to my daughter.

Still making deals with god, he is. He's off now to see OW and go shopping with her and daughter. Round and round and round it goes.

I know he's still not ready. There are many more drag em outs that will need to be had and more deals with god that didn't go his way, and many more wackjob episodes by OW, before he grows his brain back.

Me, the more I watch this, experience it, the more I'm just ready for the door.

I did use one of my own passive aggressive comments last night and said: seriously you should just move her in "here" with you. Just let me get the hell out of here first. He turned to me, with a look on his face, that I rarely see and said: She'll never live in this f'g house. I will raise my daughter on my own if you aren't going to raise her with me.

Ok. Round and round and round. Of course, once his deal with god about telling OW's H doesn't pan out like he wants, and she's just as psycho as ever... then I'm sure MY being in this house will be her most convenient excuse.

That inch in the door is getting smaller and smaller.

Abbey

[MynameisMZ]

Sounds like he is realizing you are the only one true sane person in this whole story.

[Abbey]

Sounds like he is realizing you are the only one true sane person in this whole story.

Yeah, but you know, after the last 24 hours, it's becoming very clear to me, that I do not want this man in my life at all.

OW has a car accident. He spent the entire day (AND NIGHT) driving around the city, trying to fix a tire, etc etc. He's just an idiot right how.

He calls me his angel for being so "understanding" and if he were me, he'd kick him out. I said, I tried, you won't go.

He's all grateful for my understanding. It's becoming increasingly easy to detest this man.

Abbey

[Abbey]

Well kiddies, I'm done. After the latest stupidity, I'm just done.

Now, I'm ready to get out of here. When he gets home later, I will again demand that he buys me out. Will be also consulting with a divorce lawyer this week.

The mental cruelty and stupidity just keeps getting worse.

It's time for me, Abbey, to just get the F out of this craziness.

Abbey

[MynameisMZ]

Abbs.....relieved you are at that point. At some point you just feel enough is enough and it's a relief. Do you feel that?

[Abbey]

No, no relief, just feel so trapped. Reconciling with him was the worst decision of my life back in 2009. I was set, I had a lovely home that I would have had paid for within 5 or 6 years, I would have a good job by now,... and doing ok on my own. Instead, this a/h has cost me more lines on my face and more grief than I care to even think about. I won't even get into the cost of money this sob has cost me.

Now, I have to play "nice". Just get far enough ahead to get a place to live, and screw the money in this house. If I get it, it's a bonus,... I just want out.

He said to me last night, you're my angel, I don't know why you don't kick me out.

Relief will be the day I stick the key in the door, my critters are safely put in a room, and the moving truck is in the driveway ready to move in my stuff.

I'm going to have work til I'm 90 to get a mortgage paid off,... but such is life. I never thought I would ever feel this way about H... but I do. It's turned into complete and total disgust. TOTAL complete revulsion.

Abbey

[Nblost]

Abbey, I am sorry about your situation. In a way though, if H can't wake up...he should know you can't live like this. You do not deserve this.

I am sure I am on a similar path. H was texting from his trip with OW to see where the kids are....we are at a hotel on our road trip. He said it sounded fun and asked what we are doing. I didn't ask him anything.

We all have our breaking points...