Don't know how much longer I can endure this!

[tested metal]

It is how I feel. I am feeling so many conflicting feelings right now that I feel confused. I am starting to think that I am going nuts!

I guess it makes sense that as a child I was made fun of and beat up on a regular basis. The friends I had were nice, but I got bullied a lot during my childhood. Even my father was an anxious person who yelled a lot. (I do get a little anxious myself, but I don't yell.) I think that probably has affected me more than I would like to admit.

I now speak softly, worry what others may think of me (to a certain extent), I am a negotiator and a very sensitive person. (sensitive to other's needs as well as my own). That is probably why I am not as assertive as I need to be.

As a child I decided to go with my strength which was intelligence. I would learn everything I could about nearly everything and I became known as the "smart kid" or nerd to others. To this day I still am known as the guy with all the answers. I feel accepted when people ask for my opinion or help with something.

I think that this is really bugging me because I can't find an answer to this. I am also hurt by being rejected, just like childhood all over again.

I feel helpless. I realize that there is nothing I can do for W or the marriage. I just have to work on me.