but I figured that my W is spoiling our kids, I might as well too.
Maybe that is all she is capable of giving ?
That is not unusual for the wayward spouse to become the "Disney" parent.
Is that what you want them to remember about you ?
I would rather be remembered years from now , instead of only for a week or so.....
What new traditions can you do together that are new ?
One thing that you have always wanted to do ?
Originally Posted By: luvhurts49
Now she wants everything but the house and is sayin she deserves to be the custodian because I'm on AD's and seeing a counselor. Guess what, I wouldn't be doin' either if it wasn't for her.
Don't worry too much about what she says right now. She is using her anger to get her way.
Just like a child that throws them self down in the floor when things go badly for them.
I read a while back that you had 50/50 right now with your children? Try and keep a calender, and journal of your daily events. Most courts won't recognize things unless they are documented. If you haven't kept one, then get one and write down to the best of your knowledge , all of the days you were with your children during that time.
Most courts try to disrupt the lives of children very little, and most will try and keep status-quo in regards to what has happened in the past.
Also, if you have not kept a journal , look back through your threads to remind yourself of things that happened , and interactions where she presented herself poorly, especially in front of the children. I have heard of people printing their threads to use as well. Although I'm not sure how legal that would be.
Originally Posted By: luvhurts49
So anyway, now I've got that crap looming over my head, bills coming out by backside, and my W has gone from mean to vindictive. How in the hell am I supposed to even keep a smile on my face during the holidays when this crap is going on?
You do it because it is what YOU decide to do. No matter how much it hurts that first year, the kids deserve better.
Also, don't underestimate the pain that your spouse will feel this holiday season. Just because you probably won't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
People can only give outwardly, what they feel internally. I have always used the analogy of the Space Shuttle.
Those huge booster tanks that are strapped to the side, contain fuel for take off. Once the Shuttle is cruising, the tanks are discarded.
It takes more fuel to launch , than it does to cruise.
All of this anger is HER fuel to push away from you.
It is her fuel to propel herself away from everything that she feels is keeping her unhappy.
"That is not unusual for the wayward spouse to become the "Disney" parent."
That^^^^^is sooooo true. I was wondering if that could be the case. My W said a few days ago said that my D will get what ever she wants. I bought my D and a new video game the next day my W went out and bought 6 more???
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
So sorry things have gotten worse on the legal front. Sometimes it's hard to separate what the lawyer is doing from what your W is doing. Her L's job is to "best represent her interests" so he may convince her to ask for everything with the understanding that it will get negotiated down. I know it's easy to feel she's primarily responsible for this but the lawyer can be a big influence and at this point it unfortunately becomes a negotiation game.
I will +1 for not trying to outspend your W, your kids will appreciate the way you treat them and the quality time you spend with them more than gifts, which are often forgotten exactly 8 days later anyway.
Good luck and keep posting, hopefully folks here are still helping you in some small way.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Me and my W have always spoiled our kids at x-mas time, but I'm not trying to outdo my W, I simply don't have the money to do so and I wouldn't try to anyway because Mach1 is right, I don't want to be remembered as the "Disney dad", but as the dad that wants and enjoys spending time with my kids.
You have a great idea there Mach1 about writing things down in a calendar, in fact, I'm gonna go buy a new calendar today and start doing that. I've kept a pretty good list of important dates (including dates that I have the kids) in Google Docs, so I'll just write those in with a description of what I did with the kids on those dates. That way I'll at least have some kind of documentation to show my L and possibly use it in court.
@Accuray, my L said that my W can't even bring up the use of AD or a counselor in court unless we (L and I) bring it up first. But my L said that the use of AD's during a D is pretty common anyways. As far as A or OM is concerned, I live in Illinois, so legally, it doesn't make a lick of difference. The only way I could have ever used it against her is as a reason to start a D, but since I didn't start nor wanted a D, it can't be used.
My W and I had a pretty long texting session the other day and while I won't get into all of it during this post, there is one comment she made that really ticked me off. She said "my kids are the last dream that I have left and I won't let you take them away from me." Really!!! Last time I checked, they are "our" kids and I don't want to take them away from her, but she sure as hell wants to take them away from. Why is it okay for her to try and take our kids away from me when I love and care for them just as much as her?
Me36, W38 S12, S3 T20, M4 Bomb dropped 8/18/11 Moved out 8/18/11 Filed for D 10/20/11 OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Luv- Sorry about the rough patch your going through, it must be extremely difficult. As someone mentioned previously and seems to be a rule on these threads "believe none of what she says". She is acting out of fear, anger, resentment, etc. I know it really hurts to hear her say things like that as my w does the same every now and then but I tell myself that those thoughts and comments are coming from someone who is hurt and confused and not from her true authentic self. Do your best to not let it antagonize you.
I hope you ( or anyone else here) didn't mis-interpret the point I am making here. Your goals , and everyone's goal is saving your marriage.
Things have changed though, and you are headed to court with a spouse that is willing to feed you to the Lions for an extra 3 dollars a month.
Right now, your goal is to fight for what is right for you. I have read the things you post, and understand how valuable your time with your children is. I have been there and done that.
The game changed when she filed, the game changed when she decided to be irrational. That means YOUR game must change to protect yourself.
Most whacked out spouses have a sense of entitlement as it pertains to the children. There is a sense of "ownership" because they carried them for 40 weeks. And although I fully understand the connection and bond that a Mother has with her child, it does not grant full ownership for that child.
Father's rights have changed over the years, and we don't live in a society anymore that automatically gives custody to the Mother. BUT, that doesn't mean that we don't have to fight for that right either.
Fighting for that needs to be done with Dignity, Grace, and Honor. Bad mouthing the other spouse, isn't the way through that. Most states have a "script" write in that does not allow that. It will say something to the effect of " Each parent must facilitate the relationship with the other parent"
Something else you should do....
Register and take a co-parenting class BEFORE you go to court. It will show the court that YOU are concerned more about your parenting than everything else.
Also, you should read about "parallel parenting". This more than likely, will be the style of parenting that you will face in the beginning.
The way you carry yourself through this, will be what your children will see. Remember that point. I always kept in the back of my mind, that this is all public record, and one day my children might just look this up and see exactly what happened.
What would I want them to learn ?
I also want you to know that just because the legal part of this is bearing down on you, and you MAY be Divorced soon, that YOU are the one who says when it is over. YOU have that power in your hands. YOU will write your future.....Nobody else
What does that look like for you ?
I'm really not trying to be a Debbie Downer...
I just want you to protect yourself from the insanity of what is around you right now.
Treasure the traditions that you start this year with your children...
Teach them the reason for the season.....
I had the pleasure of posting to a friend a couple years ago, who didn't have two dollars to rub together.
His Christmas Tree that year, was a length of art paper. He and his boys drew and colored a tree on it, and they taped it to the wall. As we talk now, and his life has turned around for him, THAT is the Christmas he and the boys speak of.
"Why is it okay for her to try and take our kids away from me when I love and care for them just as much as her?"
It is not okay for her to do that. No one would say that is okay unless you are putting them in danger, which you clearly are not.
I *think* this is where your W is coming from. Sharing custody means that you stay in her life and she sees you regularly. She feels guilty and badly for what has happened, and every time she sees you and interacts with you, she has to face herself and what she has done -- and that is not pleasant.
Therefore, she has come to convince herself that if she can minimize your custody, she can minimize her interactions with you, and therefore minimize those painful reminders and reflections on what she has done.
Remember too that to feel better about what she has done, she has to make you "the bad guy", even though you are not. She has convinced herself that you are the bad one in this relationship, and that colors how she thinks about custody.
The "you're trying to take them away from me" is just crazy rationalization for her actions. If you really were trying to take them away, then she would be justified in trying to keep them for herself. She's painting you that way to reflect her actions in a more positive light.
It doesn't have to do with you, she is "crazy making". Keep being the good father you take pride in being, protect yourself per Mach 1, and have faith that the custody will work out. The things your W is saying now are "just noise" and can be ignored, or let your L deal with it.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
With that sense of entitlement, what I have seen with most of the whacked out women is that they do feel entitled throughout this, and they want the LBS to pay....and pay dearly.
They want us to pay with time lost with the children ( we don't deserve that ) , and they want us to pay monetarily ....
One way they can do both, is by having the kids more. That way they can justify getting the court to order more support money from the LBS.
In one of most whacked out things my Ex said, was in front of the mediator...
We were discussing custody, and things got heated between me and her Lawyer, and while things were cooling off a bit, she mumbled ( to herself, yet loud enough to hear ) , that she didn't care how much she had the kids, as long as she got paid...
Just remember that you are trying to make rational decisions , with an irrational person.
Anything that you BOTH agree on, get it signed right there and then. We reached an agreement ( in principal ) and did not sign that day. A week later, she denied almost everything that we discussed and had to start over again.
