too much time and distance

[any chance?]

Update/thoughts:

Four months since W packed up and moved 1500 miles away. She is clearly attempting to limit contact as much as possible. The lack of communication cuts deep, as we have always been best friends, and even in our extensive times apart, we kept in touch. I did talk to her last week, and definately got the impression that her depression is ongoing, and perhaps coming back strong - she say she is very lonely, needs someone to confide in, has no plans for the holidays, it is very dark where she is.....classic signs to me, who knows her well. Very frustated that I can do nothing to help - I send her notes, small care packages...just to let her know someone is out here, and perhaps she looks on that favorably, but I cannot tell.

My personal situation is still pretty low. Going to the gym alot, out with friends as much as possible, etc., but the alone time is pretty brutal. Tossing and turning at 4AM. Feeling rejected and dejected. Don't really talk about my sitch with friends anymore. I need to find a positive method of getting out of this hole I am in. Just does not seem to be an end in sight. Very tired of being bummed out all the time. Need to get some joy and fun time happening, to be sure.

Sometimes I feel like a broken record on this site, so thanks for listening. You guys have been a tremendous help to me, to be sure.

[any chance?]

Bit nervous today, as I have a meeting with the court tomorrow. It is a status conference, where the judge sees where the D stands. My W's L was supposed to send me financial disclosure materials to fill out, but I have not received anything. I have no idea what kind of paperwork her L will have ready for me tomorrow. W will not attend, as she is very far away. I am going to fill out my own financial disclosure statement, so I am ready in front of the judge.

Funny to be in this place after 20 years of a relationship. Makes it all seem so small and insignificant.

Need to work on that PMA and GAL to avoid the vortex.

[Rick1963]

AC I know the feeling. Got a packet yesterday from L regarding tons of documents that I must produce. It is sad that we are here. I have been with my W 26 years?

I wonder if our WAS are feeling the same sense of loss?

[gunny]

AC,
The feelings you are describing are the exact same ones I am feeling, exactly, popping up at all hours, trying to stay involved but being sad, etc

The symptoms you are describing are clasic ones for depression, as my IC told me this week. Are you seeing an IC? Depression brought about by traumatic events, of which D is #2 on the list of life stressors, is completely normal. It can last for a good long time, and in our case, can definately be exacerbated by other factors, like the fact that this is holiday time. She told me to give it one more month, if after that time the symptoms have not significantly lessened, it might be time to take the next step which could involve short term meds/therapy.

Right now, the only thing we can do is take each hour as it comes, for me, some go faster and better than others. Just know AC, that everyone out there is pulling for you, someday, things will be better, hang in there!! All is not lost!!

[Valeska19]

AC,
It's okay to repeat yourself. You've been with your wife a long time and to go from 20 yrs of contact to moving away.. well it's brutal.

I think you need to stop with the packages and notes. Your wife is trying to build a new life... and as much as it sukks... you need to let her go.

AC - listen to me when I say this.... IT IS THE LOVING THING TO DO.

It's gonna go against everything you want, it's going to go against everything you believe in...

.... but it's out of your hands now so Let Go and Let God.

It does NOT mean that you have stopped caring about her or that you AREN'T there for her.

It means that you cannot control her or her choices.

It means that you are upholding your vows to love her for better or for worse. To love her enough to say good-bye, and to give her what she wants... EVEN if you DON'T WANT IT or AGREE with it.

IF you can learn to have that perspective.. you will find yourself slowly crawling out of the hole you are in.

I have two suggestions for helping you gain the positive momentum.

1) At the end of every night... write what you are thankful for. It doesn't have to be huge.. although you can have big items.. but there were times when I wrote "Thank you for the dude that left me in on the highway in rush hour traffic this morning". Do it daily - he!! post it here - watch your perspective change.

2) Create a bucket list of things you always wanted to do - same concept. Small to big. Make sure you have items on there that you can achieve easily as well as ones you have to work on.

You can do this AC!

((( )))

[any chance?]

Thanks V. Everyone's situation is different, although the similarities among all of us are sometimes striking. My situation is complicated by what seems to be severe clincal depression, which my W is trying to solve by running away from everything. That is the primary reason I reach out to her on occasion. Maybe that is a mistake. Maybe I need the 2x4. She continues to deny her depression, but it only seems to be getting worse. But I cannot help her. She is on her own path. Maybe she really does just simply want to have nothing to do with me ever again.

R: I think it becomes quite obvious that our WAS are in a very different mindset than we are. In their mind, they have discarded the yoke and have moved forward. No looking back.

[In_Shock]

AC I always read your thread and am sorry you are having a rough patch right now. In my case, W still lives with me, but is moving after the holiday season. In her mind, she's BEEN gone, it's just a formality now. Like you and Rick said, I've been struggling so much with the fact that after 13 years she can pick up and bail out--- not even want to be friends. The WAS mindset is so strange to us, but we have no choice.

I echo what Val said. One thing I'm learning, slowly, but learning, is that the act of detaching (like not sending things,etc..) actually IS loving them. It's respecting the WAS wishes to be away/not with LBS and we have to honor it, or we are acting for ourselves and in our own interest. It's SOOOOO hard, but the detaching is what the vets tell me is the only chance some of our M's have!

Hang in here AC. HUGS

[Valeska19]

Thanks V. Everyone's situation is different, although the similarities among all of us are sometimes striking. My situation is complicated by what seems to be severe clincal depression, which my W is trying to solve by running away from everything. That is the primary reason I reach out to her on occasion. Maybe that is a mistake. Maybe I need the 2x4. She continues to deny her depression, but it only seems to be getting worse. But I cannot help her.

EXACTLY

I can understand why you want to though. My w is an addict and I have trained myself to constantly try and "save" her from her addiction. (She has a food and alcohol addiction)

It came to a point where we both learned that only SHE can save herself.

It was hard to do.. hell it's still hard.. but it must be done.

Why....

... because I spent 8 years... not drinking around her or going to bars, trying every kind of diet, buying gym memberships, spending money on kick boxing classes, cook books, inflated grocery bills for healthy food, buying new clothes when she lost weight.. telling her she was beautiful when she gained it back (which I 100% believed)...

.... but nothing helped her.. until she walked into program and realized that her addiction had very little to do with the "what's and everything to do with the "Why's".

I spent so much time caretaking and enabling that I had become CoDe and stopped really thinking about my needs, wants and only focused on her. I thought if I just kept loving her in THAT same way.. things would get better. I was willing to SACRIFICE MYSELF for her.

But in doing so I lost myself and when you lose yourself.. you lose your ability to really know what's best for you and for your spouse because everything in a marriage involves the both of you and you have taken "yourself" out of that equation.

Of course depression is different.. it can be a chemical imbalance.. but I feel the same applies. It's not about the what's and the why's

She is on her own path. Maybe she really does just simply want to have nothing to do with me ever again.

Maybe.. and that's going to hurt like hell. You need to figure out how you want to perceive your wife.

I believed (and still believe) that my w is running from me. Not because I was an excellent w, but because I supported her through this nastiness and she treated me like crap. Then when she started to get better, she abandoned our marriage, and stopped talking to me.

She's afraid to deal with me and our past. In my heart, I believe that to be true

Think about the dad's who leave their kids and years later want to build a relationship with them.. but don't. They make every excuse in the book instead of just trying.. and keep trying.

Fear is sooo seductive in alot of ways. It's provides you with an easy way out.. and one many take.

Maybe this is your wife.

OR

Maybe she is a biatch!! and what you say is true.. and she doesn't want you to be in her life..


understand that NEITHER of these are a reflection of you. This is a reflection of her choices, emotions, and perceptions.

So who do you want to perceive your wife to be.. because it will determine how you move forward with her.

Unless you are an abusive spouse, MHO is that WAS run "to not deal with things".

Will your w keep running.. I don't know. Will my wife... I don't know either.

Only in God's time will we know...

[any chance?]

Thanks V. You have wise insight. There is no doubt that I want to take care of and help my W get through this very rough spot in her life. Is she running from me and her problems? Absolutely. Will she ever get through this and want to reestablish contact with me? Highly doubtful. I think I remind her of the last couple of difficult years, and that all the good that we have had is gone, never to be revisited or thought of again. Very sad way to eradicate 20 years out of our lives.

I do need to take care of myself. Self medicating and a clearly looming depression on my end is not the way to go. I need to GAL more and take care of myself. I have been supporting her fully for months and months, emotionally and financially, and have undoubtedly been enabling her. She apparently has her cake and is eating it too.

Going in front of the judge yesterday was sobering and depressing. W needs the D to be able to move on, she says, so she shall have it. Will send her the paperwork this week.

Sad as it is, I need to just realize she is gone and not coming back, and that I mean nothing to her. Hard to accept, but accept I must. No other choice.

[antlers]

I do need to take care of myself.
I need to just realize she is gone and not coming back, and that I mean nothing to her. Hard to accept, but accept I must. No other choice.

You're right, about all of it. And realizing what you do is a BIG step in your moving forward and healing. You're at the point where you're tired of the suffering and anguish of heartache. It's a turning point. Once there, you have to make a decision to actively seek to get over this and move forward. Take positive action. No action=no progress. Follow through with the intention to be happy again, and you can emerge from this with more power than ever. I do believe that you can do it.