Still working hard on the DB plan, but not seeing just a whole lot of progress. Well, at least major progress anyway. I am making some small steps that help to keep it going.
On Friday our dog had surgery. It's our older dog and I was very concerned about the outcome. I had told my EW about the surgery and she said she wanted to be there when I dropped the dog off. I said sure that's fine. She said she'd be there at around 7:30 and I got there then. Turns out she overslept (i think she stayed out late the night before). She got there about 8:20 and we took the dog in, hugged her and sent her back to surgery. As we left I told her I knew this was hard on her and asked if there was anything I could do for her. She said she didn't think so but would let me know if I could. Anyway, I guess she had a stomach virus or food poisoning or something and says she threw up all day. Thus, she wasn't able to be there when I picked the dog up. Something she had said she'd do. I understand it's because she was sick, but even that morning she changed to "I'll be there if I can." After our big fight about the dogs, she's asked to see them exactly one time. And I'm the one getting trashed back then b/c I wouldn't let her see them. Anyway, I've told her she can see them anytime she likes and I'll even leave if she wants. It's sad that she seems to be leaving them behind too. We have had some good conversations lately and when we talk she seems to be interested. At least, interested in talking to me, not so much in what I'm doing or where I'm going, etc.
One thing that strikes me as a little odd....when we have a nice TM conversation pretty much right after that she posts something on FB about how she loves the new boyfriend. Just weird i guess. It's like she's trying to convince herself or something. I don't mean to analyze her actions, but that's how it seems anyway.
Another thing that I thought about last night....it's amazing to me how pretty much every guy she meets (this is the 2nd one she's left me for) falls head over heels for her. Of course, I did that too and still feel that way about her. But she also falls hard for them. The first time she left she thought she loved the guy she was having an EA with and now she says the same about the new OM. I wish she'd just come back.
I know that I shouldn't let this get to me, but it really concerns me that my EW never came by to check on our dog who had surgery on Friday. She was sick on Friday, so that's perfectly understandable. However, she worked on Saturday, so she was near our house and knew I'd be home yet she didn't come by. Also, she knew i'd be home working on things around the house yesterday and she didn't come by. Like I say, I know I shouldn't let it get to me but still, it does for some reason. Maybe she's just trying to cut all her ties.
Now for a quick question looking for some advice. When I gave her the card for her birthday she really liked it and said it was her favorite card. Should I do anything for her for Christmas? Send another card? Just a Merry Christmas text or something? Nothing?
I put my Christmas tree up yesterday and that was pretty tough. It was something that my EW always loved to do so putting it up was filled with thoughts of her. I used to hate putting up the tree and decorating for Christmas. Funny how something I couldn't stand doing before is now something I'd give anything just to help her do now. Live and learn I guess.
Well, EX texts me yesterday afternoon asking to see the dogs. I was not going to be home and told her she was welcome to come by and see them and I'd leave her a key. She said OK. We texted a little more throughout the day and she seemed a bit distant so I tried not to press too hard. She came by and saw them while I was gone. I was disappointed she didn't say anything about my Christmas Tree or the room I just painted. I know she noticed though and it may have made her sad to see I'm moving on no matter. She was fairly cold yesterday but on some days she's warmer. It seems like she is really trying hard to convince herself that she has it better now than when she was with me. Well, that's b/c she hasn't met the new me! I get discouraged sometimes, but the DB thing seems to be working a bit. If nothing else, we're having civil conversations now rather than yelling at each other. She asked that I text her tonight to remind her to do something for me. I guess that's good news, right?
Ed... just one piece of advice, granted I've only been at this for three months now, but you're going to drive yourself nuts with the screening of each things for good news/bad news. I know, because I've been there. I remember scrutinizing each text message, phone call, email, conversation, interaction, etc... for the slightest bit of good news or bad news. When I saw a flash of light I went way up, and when she was cold or harsh I went way down.
That's no way to live life.
You will see this from her, not because she is changing her mind back and forth. Rather she has made her decision, which is to leave the relationship, and at times she is confused about that. She is sad and then she is happy. And when she's happy sometimes she has guilt about being happy. When she's sad she gets guilty about that. Sometimes she gets mad at you for causing all this pain and grief. Sometimes she gets mad at herself for causing it all.
Have you ever seen those plasma balls? The ones where in the center is a ball of plasma, and when you touch the plastic globe it sends out an arc of energy to meet your touch? That's your wife.
She is the plasma ball in the middle... a bundle of uncontrolled energy and discord. She randomly throws out arcs of energy all over the place. When you touch the ball (i.e. try to connect with her) she sends an arc of energy your way. Sometimes it's good energy and other times it's not.
You will drive yourself mad trying to figure out which. Detach and start to live your life, and live it without her. Things start to get a lot better when your emotional state is not tied to her's.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
WHG, thanks for the advice. Interestingly enough, I had just given the same or similar advice to another person on this forum. It's it funny how we can give out the advice, but it's much harder to follow our own advice.
I was supposed to text her last night to remind her of something she needed to bring me. I decided not to txt her for a couple of reasons. First, I was out to dinner with a friend and then I went to her house to help her hang something on the wall (one of my GAL activities or goal of mine at least, is to become more handy lol) so I was busy. The second reason is that I knew she wasn't going to stop by and bring it today or any other definite day so I figured it might be good if I was supposed to text her once and "forgot" if that makes any sense. She probably didn't even notice but it was maybe a small victory to me.
After thinking more about the Christmas tree that she didn't comment on, I wonder if it didn't make her sad to see that I had put up decorations and such. That was something I never did before and I'm sure it took her a bit by surprise. Hopefully in a good way.
I do spend a lot of time analyzing what she says and does and I know that I don't need to do that and I'm going to work on trying to stop doing it. That's been one of the hardest things for me. i don't let her know that I'm doing it, but it's something I just deal with on my own.
It's easy to do... Over analyze... Yesterday during a talk my w was talking about her convo with her college admissions adviser. The adviser was using her to enroll sooner than June. W remarked that she told the adviser she can't don any sooner than June because, "I'm probably moving in April and need to be set up in the new place before I start.". And suddenly my brain seizes on the word "probably". Probably? Before I know it I'm going nuts over this one word. I just had to shut it down and realize probably can mean any number of things... And that I just need to be me and do my thing.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Spoke over TM to the ex today for a bit. I initiated first to let her know about the dog and then we had no contact for a few hours. Then, she initiated a conversation with me asking how my sobriety had been going. I was proud to tell her that it was going well. She gave me a very enthusiastic TM back and I kind of played it cool and didn't get into a lot of emoticons, etc with her. Then, we kind of joked around a bit about a few things and I just stopped responding after a while when her last text was something like "i bet lol" or something like that. My DB coach says to initiate every now and then if I'm getting positive response. No relationship talk and no asking abotu where she's been or what she's doing. She hasn't asked me that stuff yet either, but that was the first time in about a month that she had asked about my sobriety so I thought that was a small step forward! At this point, I just try to pick out small positive things and be happy about them. Anytyhing is better than the weeks we spent without a word.
That's a plus sign, good job on sticking to the DB plan. Even if they are small positives and we aren't supposed to look too far into them, it still makes the day a little bit better than having nothing. Also I never congratulated you on your sobriety. Its nice to see someone else on here that is going down that path "with" me.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Thanks CO1978 for the words of encouragement. Our situations have a good many similarities, even down to the fact that you and I are the same age, and our wives are the same age lol.
Had a bit of a strange thing happen this morning and wanted to run it by you guys. I guess I realize I'm still probably trying to over-analyze everything, but here goes...
Today, I received a call from the vet saying that my dog's tumor that was removed was benign. Taht was fantastic news and I've been really worried about it. Anyway, I TM the EW to let her know the good news. We had a really nice conversation and we were joking around and flirting just a bit. I asked her if she had ever been hiking to a particular canyon in a wilderness area around here. She said yes, and she'd really like to go again but she can't remember how to get there. I said that I think I had found some directions and that I was planning on going this weekend. If she'd like to go she was welcome but I understood if she couldn't or didn't want to. I hope that wasn't pressuring her? She just responded that if my directions turned out to be good ones to please email them to her. I just went on with our conversation like nothing had happened or that it was no big deal to me whether she went or not. I didn't really expect her to go I guess and that probably makes it wrong of me to even ask her. It was just kind of one of those spur of the moment things and she was saying she'd love to go again so I didn't think that asking her would push her farther away so I went for it. She didn't seem upset or anythign that I asked, but it was a little bit upsetting that she put me off so coldly. I didn't let it ruin the remainder of what was a positive TM exchange though, and I haven't let it get me down. Do you guys have any thoughts or comments on it?
On another note, I know this is a super slow process and I still have 4 sessions with my DB coach, but it just doesn't seem like I'm making any progress at all. She's still with OM and proclaims love for him on FB at every opportunity. Well, not every opportunity, but still lol. One of my longer term goals was to share a preplanned activity with her, such as the hiking. I'm thinking of revising that goal to just spending some time with her, even if it's only like 10-15 minutes.
The times we've seen each other, I get the feeling from her that she's glad to see me, and each time we TM we have pleasant conversation. I think that I initiate too much of it though. My DB coach didn't seem to have much of a problem with me initiating so long as I was getting positive responses. I'm wondering now though if I should not go a little more "dark" since we've been talking a pretty good bit over TM and I'm not making a whole lot of progress. I always get positive reaction from her and from time to time we joke around a bit, but it's not getting better in the form of more initiation of contact from her. I will talk to my IC about it and also to my DB coach but I'd love to hear what you guys think as well. Go dark again? When I did the first time I went almost a month without talking to her. She was very happy to see me once we finally did again.
Well, today is just not my day I guess. Saw one of the EW's facebook post which is going on and on through the comments with her and OM basically talking about having sex and how she's happy for the first time in years and all of that. Just feel like nothing is working and that it really is over. I know that I should believe none of what I hear and only half of what I see, but it just hurts. I have a call in to my IC so hopefully we can do maybe a quick phone session today or something. I'm sorry for being whiny on here and not acting like a true DBer. I know I'm supposed to just let it roll off my back but I'm just having trouble doing that today. Part of me just wants to confront her and say him or me, but I know she'd just say him so that won't do me any good. I also know that it's only been a few months that I've been working on the DB stuff and I should let it work its course, but it just doesn't seem to be working and I just see and feel her going farther and farther away and never wanting to come back. I feel like any of the GAL stuff I'm doing isn't going to do a whole lot to make me a happier or better person if she doesn't come back. I just can't see the light at the end. Maybe I had my chance and blew it. I don't know. Anyway, I am sorry again for whining on here like this, but it's just been a very hard day for me today. Thanks for all of the support guys.
