DBing against OW...?????

[imthemom]

Thanks mish..i get it
I got an interesting text this morning....

H: the way ive been treating you is not ok with me
after an hour of thinking about it i replied
Thank you..thats good to hear...

What is happening?..... Trying not to read a lot into it but my heart is so happy right now...

[Abbey]

Wow... that's a step in the right direction!

[mishka422]

That is a great step. He's recognizing that he is hurting you for no valid reason and is owning it.

Accept it for what it is and move forward. Keep being yourself, keep a wary distance but be open to small communications. In order to move forward you have to change and adjust as you go.

[imthemom]

I know its baby steps forward and usually huge steps back but it is so hard. Im am better with no communication at all, then I guess I have no expectations. I dont know what he wants!..he says he wants to have communication but then when there is it feels like he just thinks we (S14 and I) are a pain in the butt. and ruining his nice happy life cus he has to deal with all the negativity that is going on with S14. We went to get our christmas tree last night and S14 was so angry and sad the whole time, he made a comment that we were the only one at the lot getting a tree "by ourselves"....I tried to make a big deal about how he helped load it and then unload it when we got home but that seemed to make it worse. It was the first time weve ever gotten a tree without H and it was painfully obviouse. I guess we have to get use to a lot of those first now but it is so hard to watch S14 struggle with it.

S14 is becomeing increasingly more defiant instead of sad, the anger is really starting to show and takeing over the sadness. We talk a lot but I dont know how to help him with the anger, other then show by example that its not the way to handle things and just be positive about what we are dealing with.

S14 said on the way home from the tree lot that he had asked H if he was comeing over for xmas and H said no, S14 said he didnt understand that H didnt want to spend thanksgiving with us and now xmas...I know hes not spending it alone and he better not have a girfriend cus if he does Im not talking to her....what do you say to that?????? i didnt respond but obviousley he is figureing it out...I think he is feeling like his D is picking SOMETHING over him but doesnt know what....so hes fishing. I just dont get it, to know that something you are doing is causing your own child that much pain and to not be the least bit interested in stopping it, when you are capable of doing so...I dont understand that. sometimes I think, ok, if this were me and I had found someone to spend time with ...and it was causing S14 pain like that what would i do? would I end it or just be obliviouse because it made me happy? I dont know...I guess if I was in love with the person ...but even then, how could I be happy if my kids werent...I guess thats the difference between the being left and leaving.....

just rambling....not making much sense, i know..

[Abbey]

S14 is becomeing increasingly more defiant instead of sad, the anger is really starting to show and takeing over the sadness. We talk a lot but I dont know how to help him with the anger, other then show by example that its not the way to handle things and just be positive about what we are dealing with.

Defiance IS his sadness. As is the anger. I'd be more worried if he wasn't showing anger. Depression is anger turned inward... I think it's healthy that he's verbalizing his upset about not having your H with you.

Sounds like your son is gathering what's going on, even if he doesn't know exactly.

I don't know what to say about spouses hurting the ones' they supposedly love, but they do. They are so frikkin alien, that they just don't have a clue the damage they are causing.

Abbey

[imthemom]

I found 2 little post it notes in my bathroom this morning while getting ready..one says I love u...the other I miss u...my H had left them for me to find months ago and I had stuck them in a basket and forgot about them..
feeling again like I missed huge chances to make this right..and I miss him so much.

welcome to my pity party.....

[Abbey]

Pity parties are allowed. Here

Yep, you're going to come across things like cards, pictures, notes, things he's given you, places you've been,... words he's said etc etc etc. It makes no sense that they can't see/remember those things fondly.

I said to a friend of mine, someone needs to invent a taser where we can just zap them til they grow their brains back. Put them in suspended animation so they can't do so much damage to everyone around them. If only.

Since that item doesn't exist, we're left with memories and mementos that we just show up at the most inopportune times.

*hugs*
Abbey

[imthemom]

what kills me is literally,6 months ago, if i had said the right thing none of this would have happened......
I have faught off tears all day, finally home so dont have to anymore..

[Abbey]

ITM, don't go there. Honestly, it's too easy to look at one instance and say "if only". I know it's hard. I have ONE instance myself, that "if only", my H and I probably wouldn't be here too. BUT, honestly,... if I look at it, it doesn't/wouldn't change the course of the total history, only parts of it... maybe.

You are still blaming yourself for something H is doing. This has NOTHING to do with you. You really, really, really need to drill that into your head. His alien brain is not something you can control, nor could you pre-stop it by anything you've done or not done. His journey is just that. His.

Do we both in a relationship do things that contribute to a break down? Yes. Diff is: You're willing to do what a healthy brain should do,... he isn't. Not yet.

Work on you, and don't beat yourself up.

*hugs*
Abbey

[imthemom]

I know that what is happening is not about me, I know that I have taken responsibility for what I did to contribute to it...He has admitted that he knows I am not to blame for his drinking etc..and that he shouldnt have treated me the way he did/has....so what is left? therapy, anger managment, co parenting sessions...what is left???????

all the excuses he has used for a D are gone and yet on the 19th we will more then likely be signing papers. instead of trying to see if there is anything left and attempting MC it will just be over. yet he still wants to continue with Co parenting which wheather he admits it or not have been MC and very little to do with co parenting so whats the point? we talk about our R for an hour and then he wants to set another day to come back and do it again, and im left thinking there must be a reason for that and then ...well lets just say im left feeling like its ended again, all over again, and im spinning my wheels again....

I want to say look, if you want to keep comeing to these sessions lets just call it what it is and put the effort into talking about the hard stuff and stop wasting our time, but im scared that he will refuse and then ill have to really face that its over. because lets face it, im going threw the motions but im the back of my head im thinking if he wants to keep going back to those sessions there must be something there. and theres not...i know this...but its so much easier to think there is and not face that big black hole that has been following me around that he doesnt love me anymore.

i have been in a bad place ever since he sent me that text ....for some reason him realizing he shouldnt be treating me that way he is has made me feel worse. I really dont know what im doing....but this pain i carry around is just to much. every day all day...how long can a person do that? I have a day were i see clearly and then theres 4 days of just pure hell....