DB'ing is soooo hard!

[adinva]

I now have the ability to filter most if not all situations through what a proper DB response should be and many of the posts I rec'd here play through my mind as I respond to the daily challenges of living with a WAW.

Sounds like you are doing great! Good work; I know this is not easy.

- have any of you, as you pass time with as a live-in WAS, find that you are having trouble remembering the feelings you had with your spouse before they walked away? My pre-bomb drop days are starting to feel like a dream, or the way you remember a loved on who passed on.

For me, six months have passed since the bomb date and yes, my pre-bomb days are starting to feel like a dream. Probably not in the way you meant. My pre-bomb days were a nightmare living with someone who clearly had a problem that I didn't understand, who was really becoming difficult to live with. I was sometimes wondering if this is how my life was going to be from now on and could I take it. That person is gone. But also the days before that, from more than five years ago, seem like a dream too, like when you wake up and the fragments of your dream become less and less tangible and then you can't piece them together into anything recognizable anymore. I barely remember him really, and don't expect to get him back either. Whoever I end up moving forward with is going to be someone yet again different. More mature, more knowledgeable, more in touch with his thoughts and feelings, not the same boy I married. Already he's been changing, even if he doesn't intend to come back to me he's different.

- do any of you look at your walk away spouse and start to feel they are unrecognizable? I look at my wife and have trouble remembering the surge of love or passion I felt before the bomb. I wonder is this is self preservation at work? I can't even imagine being physical with her anymore. I feel love for her but don't know what to make of it.

I agree. I think it's self preservation. You may unconsciously be suppressing feelings that it's not time right now to feel. I just have hope that if we make it through this we'll grow those feelings back and become physical again. I'm amazed that some of us LBS's are still ML with their WAS; happy for them that they can connect that way, but mystified because I couldn't imagine it here.

- as each DB day passes and I have time for self reflection I find I am understanding myself better, knowing why I did things the way I did and knowing what to improve in myself.

Good for you! Me too.

- my W keep posting these inspirational quotes on facebook. I can't help reading into them that they are all about becoming her own woman, and I take them all to imply that she must leave me to do so. I realize that I am filtering all of her quotes through how I feel about our M, and my fears of losing it. In other words a very self centered reading of the quotes. For example one that read about the three C's - you must make Choice, take a Chance, if you want anything to Change. I immediately read this as she must choose to D me, and leave me in order for change for the better. I need to detach from reading these too. Another small DB victory.

You're mind reading, a waste of time. Why not let her look inward, grow and struggle to change during this time JUST LIKE YOU ARE. What comes out of that may be a better version of your old W. Just may not be with you. But she is trying to improve herself too and that's not a bad thing. You're doing three Cs too - you've made a choice to try to improve yourself and hopefully save your marriage, you're taking a chance that it may not go your way, and as a result you're changing who you are, for the better. Can you hide her FB stuff so you don't see it and drive yourself crazy?

- my W was expressing her guilt over not attending an event hosted by her friend last night. I quickly assured her that her friend would understand, but then realized that it was more important for her to be able to express her feelings about it, not ask me for a solution. I quickly mentioned that I certainly understand her feelings about this and expect that her friend would understand her not attending. Another small DB change for me.

Not small for the average guy. I don't know anyone else whose H doesn't try to "fix" every time they try to share their emotions and thoughts about the events of the day. It's a cliche it's so common. Your ability to see that she wants to just share, and let her, is really great. Keep doing that, assuming it causes good results or at least not negative reactions (DB-wise).

- why is it that the weeks are blowing by too fast, yet each and every moment of BD'ing seems like at eternity?

Same here. I had MC every week and it seemed like I just left and it was time to go again, and no change to speak of. I guess that means we're being patient, which is good.

- I constantly worry that guys are hitting on my wife (in additon to her EA/poss PA). I know, I need to detach here too. Very hard to do. Thankfully, I have been keeping these feelings to myself and not sharing with my W. Another small DB victory for me.

Just keep your focus on yourself. Try the Stop Sign thing people talk about. Good work Rick, I see big change from when you started here.