"have any of you, as you pass time with as a live-in WAS, find that you are having trouble remembering the feelings you had with your spouse before they walked away?
yes^^^^^^your brain plays tricks to protect you from pain. And yes, I never thought that my W would turn into this ( yes I challenged her to get a D in the heat of a fight). I went from being the love of her life to being a hated man? Living in the same house while being rejected and talked to in ways by your W that you never heard of before is super hard and painful.
If I were you I would stop reading her FB page it is only hurting you and making you assume things that may not be real. I assume that after many months of rejection and being cold that you start to let go and meet your own needs. Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I now have the ability to filter most if not all situations through what a proper DB response should be and many of the posts I rec'd here play through my mind as I respond to the daily challenges of living with a WAW.
Sounds like you are doing great! Good work; I know this is not easy.
Originally Posted By: rickb89
- have any of you, as you pass time with as a live-in WAS, find that you are having trouble remembering the feelings you had with your spouse before they walked away? My pre-bomb drop days are starting to feel like a dream, or the way you remember a loved on who passed on.
For me, six months have passed since the bomb date and yes, my pre-bomb days are starting to feel like a dream. Probably not in the way you meant. My pre-bomb days were a nightmare living with someone who clearly had a problem that I didn't understand, who was really becoming difficult to live with. I was sometimes wondering if this is how my life was going to be from now on and could I take it. That person is gone. But also the days before that, from more than five years ago, seem like a dream too, like when you wake up and the fragments of your dream become less and less tangible and then you can't piece them together into anything recognizable anymore. I barely remember him really, and don't expect to get him back either. Whoever I end up moving forward with is going to be someone yet again different. More mature, more knowledgeable, more in touch with his thoughts and feelings, not the same boy I married. Already he's been changing, even if he doesn't intend to come back to me he's different.
Originally Posted By: rickb89
- do any of you look at your walk away spouse and start to feel they are unrecognizable? I look at my wife and have trouble remembering the surge of love or passion I felt before the bomb. I wonder is this is self preservation at work? I can't even imagine being physical with her anymore. I feel love for her but don't know what to make of it.
I agree. I think it's self preservation. You may unconsciously be suppressing feelings that it's not time right now to feel. I just have hope that if we make it through this we'll grow those feelings back and become physical again. I'm amazed that some of us LBS's are still ML with their WAS; happy for them that they can connect that way, but mystified because I couldn't imagine it here.
Originally Posted By: rickb89
- as each DB day passes and I have time for self reflection I find I am understanding myself better, knowing why I did things the way I did and knowing what to improve in myself.
Good for you! Me too.
Originally Posted By: rickb89
- my W keep posting these inspirational quotes on facebook. I can't help reading into them that they are all about becoming her own woman, and I take them all to imply that she must leave me to do so. I realize that I am filtering all of her quotes through how I feel about our M, and my fears of losing it. In other words a very self centered reading of the quotes. For example one that read about the three C's - you must make Choice, take a Chance, if you want anything to Change. I immediately read this as she must choose to D me, and leave me in order for change for the better. I need to detach from reading these too. Another small DB victory.
You're mind reading, a waste of time. Why not let her look inward, grow and struggle to change during this time JUST LIKE YOU ARE. What comes out of that may be a better version of your old W. Just may not be with you. But she is trying to improve herself too and that's not a bad thing. You're doing three Cs too - you've made a choice to try to improve yourself and hopefully save your marriage, you're taking a chance that it may not go your way, and as a result you're changing who you are, for the better. Can you hide her FB stuff so you don't see it and drive yourself crazy?
Originally Posted By: rickb89
- my W was expressing her guilt over not attending an event hosted by her friend last night. I quickly assured her that her friend would understand, but then realized that it was more important for her to be able to express her feelings about it, not ask me for a solution. I quickly mentioned that I certainly understand her feelings about this and expect that her friend would understand her not attending. Another small DB change for me.
Not small for the average guy. I don't know anyone else whose H doesn't try to "fix" every time they try to share their emotions and thoughts about the events of the day. It's a cliche it's so common. Your ability to see that she wants to just share, and let her, is really great. Keep doing that, assuming it causes good results or at least not negative reactions (DB-wise).
Originally Posted By: rickb89
- why is it that the weeks are blowing by too fast, yet each and every moment of BD'ing seems like at eternity?
Same here. I had MC every week and it seemed like I just left and it was time to go again, and no change to speak of. I guess that means we're being patient, which is good.
Originally Posted By: rickb89
- I constantly worry that guys are hitting on my wife (in additon to her EA/poss PA). I know, I need to detach here too. Very hard to do. Thankfully, I have been keeping these feelings to myself and not sharing with my W. Another small DB victory for me.
Just keep your focus on yourself. Try the Stop Sign thing people talk about. Good work Rick, I see big change from when you started here.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
- have any of you, as you pass time with as a live-in WAS, find that you are having trouble remembering the feelings you had with your spouse before they walked away? My pre-bomb drop days are starting to feel like a dream, or the way you remember a loved on who passed on.
Yes
Originally Posted By: rickb89
- do any of you look at your walk away spouse and start to feel they are unrecognizable? I look at my wife and have trouble remembering the surge of love or passion I felt before the bomb. I wonder is this is self preservation at work? I can't even imagine being physical with her anymore. I feel love for her but don't know what to make of it.
I would say that is pretty normal. As you move further along, you will start to remember the good times, as the bad will fade. I feel much differently than I did post bomb, or even pre-bomb.
Four years removed from what you are feeling right now, I can tell you that she didn't do anything TO me, she did it for herself , and honestly, it turned out to be FOR me as well.
Originally Posted By: rickb89
- as each DB day passes and I have time for self reflection I find I am understanding myself better, knowing why I did things the way I did and knowing what to improve in myself.
That is part of the journey of the LBS. Seeing the things you could have done better with, and the things you would like to change moving forward.
Originally Posted By: rickb89
- my W keep posting these inspirational quotes on facebook. I can't help reading into them that they are all about becoming her own woman, and I take them all to imply that she must leave me to do so. I realize that I am filtering all of her quotes through how I feel about our M, and my fears of losing it. In other words a very self centered reading of the quotes. For example one that read about the three C's - you must make Choice, take a Chance, if you want anything to Change. I immediately read this as she must choose to D me, and leave me in order for change for the better. I need to detach from reading these too. Another small DB victory.
So...stop lookin at her Facebook...
The pain you feel there, you are causing yourself. Why do you look ?
I would guess that you want to SEE if your DBing is having an affect on her ???
Originally Posted By: rickb89
- my W was expressing her guilt over not attending an event hosted by her friend last night. I quickly assured her that her friend would understand, but then realized that it was more important for her to be able to express her feelings about it, not ask me for a solution. I quickly mentioned that I certainly understand her feelings about this and expect that her friend would understand her not attending. Another small DB change for me.
Good for you , not trying to "fix" anything.....or did you ?
Originally Posted By: rickb89
- I constantly worry that guys are hitting on my wife (in additon to her EA/poss PA). I know, I need to detach here too. Very hard to do. Thankfully, I have been keeping these feelings to myself and not sharing with my W. Another small DB victory for me.
It's called fear...
Fear that outcome you desire might not happen.
Fear that she will find "something better"
Fear that she may not turn around and look at you again.
Finding the core of that fear will release you from it. Finding the core of that fear will allow you to move past it to allow you to detach.
The worst has already happened to you, and you have already been exposed to it.
"have any of you, as you pass time with as a live-in WAS, find that you are having trouble remembering the feelings you had with your spouse before they walked away?
yes^^^^^^your brain plays tricks to protect you from pain. And yes, I never thought that my W would turn into this ( yes I challenged her to get a D in the heat of a fight). I went from being the love of her life to being a hated man? Rick you just admitted that you challanged her to get a divorce. Maybe more than once. WE here know you didn't mean it. Does she?
Regardless, what matters is the maxim you have heard here 1000 times; "believe nothing they SAY and only half of what they DO."
We all say things in the heat of the moment we regret later, but may NOT admit...I'd eliminate "divorce" from my vocabulary though...it's just too hurtful and too nuclear. But you have to let her heated words go, for your sanity but also b/c things said during arguments are NOT that valid.
Living in the same house while being rejected and talked to in ways by your W that you never heard of before is super hard and painful.
If I were you I would stop reading her FB page it is only hurting you and making you assume things that may not be real. I assume that after many months of rejection and being cold that you start to let go and meet your own needs. Hang in there
How's your work on you going Rick? I like the DB moves and growth you are experiencing. Try not to obsess so much about OMs...
my experience about OMs is that while they are good for my ego, (when they flirt or compliment)
I usually find that my h comes out looking pretty good by comparison. He's in good shape physically, very well educated and we have many things in common, plus our history together and parenthood.
Can't your w say the same about you? Newsflash, most men won't compare that well, and I say that though I like men.
But most over 45 are not in great shape, many have wacky quirks & idiosyncrasies that can be UN-fun, they don't look good, are not well informed, but may be opinionated, which is a turn off, or are religiously weird or adamantly atheistic.
For a lot of women that's a turn off. So is an angry ex wife and kids, and most men over 45 are going to have that baggage too.
Don't sell yourself short.
If you are working on YOU, then when the OMs show up IF THEY DO at all, she'll look your way and see the changes YOU have made
and then she'll be free to choose, won't she? Have some faith.
When you operate in fear, you are NOT operating in faith.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"have any of you, as you pass time with as a live-in WAS, find that you are having trouble remembering the feelings you had with your spouse before they walked away?
yes^^^^^^your brain plays tricks to protect you from pain. And yes, I never thought that my W would turn into this ( yes I challenged her to get a D in the heat of a fight). I went from being the love of her life to being a hated man? Living in the same house while being rejected and talked to in ways by your W that you never heard of before is super hard and painful.
If I were you I would stop reading her FB page it is only hurting you and making you assume things that may not be real. I assume that after many months of rejection and being cold that you start to let go and meet your own needs. Hang in there
Yes, thanks Rick. I am really getting (finally understanding) what DB'ing is and GAL. It is actually working. I do see (and my W would never admit this at this point) that is does turn her attention back to me in very small but noticable ways. I hope this is a sign of DB'ing working but I really do see the wisdom of doing this for me and my future as an individual.
You're mind reading, a waste of time. Why not let her look inward, grow and struggle to change during this time JUST LIKE YOU ARE. What comes out of that may be a better version of your old W. Just may not be with you. But she is trying to improve herself too and that's not a bad thing. You're doing three Cs too - you've made a choice to try to improve yourself and hopefully save your marriage, you're taking a chance that it may not go your way, and as a result you're changing who you are, for the better. Can you hide her FB stuff so you don't see it and drive yourself crazy?
Adivna - I hadn't realized that the three C's applt to me too. That's so insightful and thank you so much!!! Yes, I am really getting better and letting go and looking inward. The realization of what I am doing to myself by stalking her FB is a big step for me. In addition, I would check my W's phone records to track her calls to the OM. It's so easy to fall into that and I have stopped completely. I am working on myself, praying for her to resolve her demons and trusting in the divine that what is necessary will happen. Merry Christmas!
Fear that she may not turn around and look at you again.
Finding the core of that fear will release you from it. Finding the core of that fear will allow you to move past it to allow you to detach.
The worst has already happened to you, and you have already been exposed to it.
And yet you are still here.
Why do you think you fear the future ????
Mach1 - thnk you so much for time and wisdom you have imparted. Yes, I understand that much of the pain is self induced, i.e stalking her FB, tracking the phone logs for calls to the OM. Journaling it here is actually me finally seeing it, acknowledging it for what it is and growing beyond it.
Your point about your W not doing this TO you but for her, and ultimately for you too is noted by me. I'm just waking up to that now.
You ask about my fear for the future? I still do not want a life without my W (although I only want a better M if we can do that) and hope for that, but really my fear is diminishing from an all encompassing level. I am really working on improving myself based on the things that got my W and I to the bomb level.
_______________________________________________________ Me - 53, W - 45, married - 24 yrs bomb - March 2011 still living same house but separately 3 sons - 24,21,13
Mach1 - thnk you so much for time and wisdom you have imparted. Yes, I understand that much of the pain is self induced, i.e stalking her FB, tracking the phone logs for calls to the OM. Journaling it here is actually me finally seeing it, acknowledging it for what it is and growing beyond it.
Your point about your W not doing this TO you but for her, and ultimately for you too is noted by me. I'm just waking up to that now.
You ask about my fear for the future? I still do not want a life without my W (although I only want a better M if we can do that) and hope for that, but really my fear is diminishing from an all encompassing level. I am really working on improving myself based on the things that got my W and I to the bomb level.
YOU ARE STILL HERE...
Please remember that one....
And since you are still here....
Live your life as if....
As if your troubles will be behind you soon...
As if you are the happiest person ever...
As if you are still a role model for those three boys...
Because at the end of the day ???
You are, and you will be.
YOU...define your future...
Nobody else....
you
One thing if I may...???
One thing today.
One thing that you can do different, that you haven't done in the past, but have always wanted to....
Rick you just admitted that you challanged her to get a divorce. Maybe more than once. WE here know you didn't mean it. Does she?
I did challenge her more than once. I ashamed to say it but I did. I don't think I ever used the D word but I did says things like "I want out", "you should leave". I do believe she knows I do not want that. I have explained to her why I said that before and I have discussed with her how I understand her journey and will be here for her and am working on improving myself. Our conversdations have grown to be so much calmer and our communication is so much better.
Yesterday she was telling me how she has been so sad for the past couple of days and near tears. One thing about her is she gets this whenever the winter starts to set in. I suggested she may want to take her sister's offer up on visitng her in FL. This morning she asked me if that meant I was trying to get her to leave as in a separation. I calmly assured her that I really meant it only for her benefit, a chance to get away from it all and enjoy some sun and warmth. A very calm sweet discusion, no stress between us. I'm starting to see her try and reconnect to her friends. I take it as a good sign for her. I am noting these changes but not being ruled by them. I am working on me, am there for her where I can be, hoping the best for her, and if the M gods deem it then maybe we can R in a better way.
How's your work on you going Rick? I like the DB moves and growth you are experiencing. Try not to obsess so much about OMs...
My work on me is going well. I really needed the 2" * 4" BTW. Those were the most important conversations I have ever had. I feel something clicking all around I am starting to see through the fog of my emotions. I need to keep practicing slowing down my natural response time in responses to her because I still have bad communication habits with her. So the pause helps me apply what I am learning through the DB bootcamp. Working on evolving in communication with all and evolving.
I have somehow broken through my obsession with the OM. I hope! I have stopped stalking the phone logs to see how much they talk, have stopped eavesdropping on her calls with him. I feel this is good for my much needed personal growth but I really don't know how I would react if I saw them together. His distance from us makes that unilkely, however it is my cousin so someday this bridge is going to have to be crossed. I realize he is the symptom of my M troubles, understand how my W ended up in this and understand my role in this.
Don't sell yourself short.
Ha-ha. You know I actually would make a great partner for a woman, I just forgot who I am for a while. The bomb really knocked me down and out for a time. Nonetheless, I see areas I need improvement in and come to think of it I should thank my W for that.
Great to hear this from a woman's perspective!
When you operate in fear, you are NOT operating in faith
Yes! Odd that I give that same advise to others but had to learn this in this sitch. Still working on this daily!
Mach1 - thnk you so much for time and wisdom you have imparted. Yes, I understand that much of the pain is self induced, i.e stalking her FB, tracking the phone logs for calls to the OM. Journaling it here is actually me finally seeing it, acknowledging it for what it is and growing beyond it.
Your point about your W not doing this TO you but for her, and ultimately for you too is noted by me. I'm just waking up to that now.
You ask about my fear for the future? I still do not want a life without my W (although I only want a better M if we can do that) and hope for that, but really my fear is diminishing from an all encompassing level. I am really working on improving myself based on the things that got my W and I to the bomb level.
YOU ARE STILL HERE...
Please remember that one....
And since you are still here....
Live your life as if....
As if your troubles will be behind you soon...
As if you are the happiest person ever...
As if you are still a role model for those three boys...
Because at the end of the day ???
You are, and you will be.
YOU...define your future...
Nobody else....
you
One thing if I may...???
One thing today.
One thing that you can do different, that you haven't done in the past, but have always wanted to....
Let me know what it was...
Okay. I need to think about this and will get back to you!
