MLC?

[psalm46:10]

I did read everything I could find that she posted. We have so many similarities in our stories. Tell her I am thankful for her posts and I will pray for her.

[psalm46:10]

Anyone ever get to the point where they feel that there are so many do's and don'ts when it comes to interacting with their spouse that it is easier just to avoid all interaction?

I feel like I am stuck in this strange place. I am scared that I am going to say the wrong thing, or not be detached enough, or look at him wrong, so I try not to have any contact with him at all. How do I get past this?

We were supposed to have a "meeting" tonight to discuss my son's birthday and Christmas. I came home (he was in his cave, like always) and he has not come out. He was on the phone with his oldest son who is 22- I could hear bits and pieces of the conversation, as his room is right above mine and his voice travels through the air vents. What I did hear was him blaming everything on me. I have not contacted any of his older children, because it is not my place. It just hurts that I am getting blamed for his actions.

I am just feeling pretty sad tonight. This roller coaster ride stinks!

[Truegritter]

What I did hear was him blaming everything on me.

And what part of it IS you?

What part of what he says stings?

Stinging means it something you don't like about yourself.

Give yourself a minute and you'll know what I mean.

Taint exactly all you, taint exactly all him.

Sorry just speaking so Mach could understand in the vernacular.

So let's get busy on what you control.

What is it about yourself or complaints he has against you that are you want to change?

What kind of person do you aspire to be?

and

Cheer up!

[Cadet]

And who would you EXPECT him to blame?

You are the closest person to him.
If he blames YOU then he is not at fault,
he does not have to look within.
You can not control any of this.
Only YOU can control YOU.

TG has given you good advice but let me add that
when you make the changes you make them for YOU.
Not as a strategy to win him back.
As J3B would say their are no TRICKS here.

[job]

psalm,
There is no proper way to interact w/an mlcer. They take everything out of context and are never happy w/what you say or do. The less contact you have w/him the better. Stop trying to engage him in conversations because he doesn't want to hear them right now. I know you think you need to speak to him, but you need to understand that though he's living in the home, he is mentally gone and doesn't want to take part in family life. So, plan your son's birthday and Christmas events and if he opts to join in, listen to what he has to say.

When the mlcer is in the home, it is very difficult for those living there. You never know what the mlcer will say or do and that's where the eggshells come in to play. The best advice we all can give you is to live your life to the fullest, keep the focus on your children and leave the "alien" alone.

BTW, you will even get blamed for everything, including the weather. It's typical behavior because they do not want to look within and do the hard work of repairing their damaged selves. It's easier to run away and blame others for their issues. This is where you need to listen and take what really applies to you and your situation and begin working on them, if it's applicable. If his statements are truly warped, toss them out. You are the only one that can determine if your relationship is "live" or "memorex".

Please do not expect him to be the man he once was...that man is gone and right now, you have a 15 year old in the home that is rebelling strongly. Leave him be....go on w/your life and do what is necessary to keep your family together. Pay close attention to your finances and any unexpected bills that come in w/your name on them. You do not want to be caught paying for his bills.

Keep the focus on you and your children. That is what is important right now.

[psalm46:10]

A lot of what he says stings. I know that I have many faults and I can identify some of them- overly critical, controlling, my way is the right way, hypocritical, judgmental.

I'm assuming that along the journey I will recognize more? And this may be a silly question, but is there a procedure for working these issues through? Once I identify something I don't like, how do I fix it? I have been praying Psalm 139:23-24 asking God to reveal what qualities I need to change and obviously from my list above, it is working. But now what? I guess I need to keep praying for God to reveal that as well.

I have always known that some of my personality traits are less than desireable, but have had no ideas on how to fix them- or maybe no motivation/reason to?!

Does anyone have any good resources that might help? I am not looking for a quick fix- I know that this is going to take a lot of painful work, and I am ready for that! I know that many of these traits have been around since childhood, and probably because of it. I just want to know how to begin to fix them- for me, not for him.

Thanks everyone!

[Mach1]

A lot of what he says stings. I know that I have many faults and I can identify some of them- overly critical, controlling, my way is the right way, hypocritical, judgmental.

In what way were you those things ?

Why do you feel the need to control ?







It's easy for one to just throw a blanket on issues and say that they were or weren't this way or that way.

Identifying HOW you were, will lead you to WHY you were.

There a lot of good books on these subjects. Once upon a time, Cadet had a reading list that he would post. I'm not sure how touchy the link police are now. I haven't had much luck in that department. : )

Codependent no more was an eye opener for many of us here.

Another resource, is posting here.

Other posters will take you to task on any issues that may arise...

The archives are filled with valuable information from the people that have walked this path before you....

It's a great way to spend an afternoon...

[Truegritter]

but have had no ideas on how to fix them- or maybe no motivation/reason to?!

I found Codependent No More to be very eye opening.

The motivation or reason has to come from you and FOR you.

Meaning don't change as a tactic or trick.

it won't stick.

Finding what you don't like in yourself is first and you have some things up there that might be good things to look at.

For me this was very difficult process. It means digging down below the surface of things.

I found I was afraid to make changes because of the "what ifs" and so I used a lot of denial to keep me in my comfortable place.

Mach gave you a good place to start:

Why did you need to control?

[TRUSTING]

Mid life crisis is a process for both the mid-lifer and the stander. There are no quick fixes over night for either. Time is the key for both. Through time I learned to effectively deal with my mid-lifer. Through time and pain, I learned to see the things I needed to change about myself. Through time, I learned to see my strengths. Through time, I learned what I wanted out of ths life. Through time, I learned that I could be happy without him and take care of myself and my children.

This journey is the hardest thing you will do. You have to stop worrying about him because nothing can fix him but him.
People who hurt, hurt others. Let him work through his journey and concentrate on being who you are, not what you think he wants you to be.

[psalm46:10]

Mach- Thanks for the questions- they will take a while to ponder.

TG- I think maybe that is why I have been reluctant to look within- knowing that it is going to hurt and take a lot of work. I have been a big fan of quick fixes in my life. This is not one.

Trusting- The hardest part for me has been the loss of control over any of this. I know he has to do his own work- and frankly I don't think he will- and that scares me. There's another hard one- fear. We have been together since I was 19- he is all I have ever known as an adult. It is scary to think that I am on my own for this. But I have to let go.

I have gained so much knowledge from this board and will continue to use it as a tool. I appreciate everyone's willingness to help- even if sometimes it is hard to hear.