Don't know how much longer I can endure this!

[tested metal]

I like that to an extent. I feel like W used me as an ATM and a credit line more than a husband. I know.... this is probably MLC and it is mostly about her issues, not me personally, but it still hurts. Like I have stated before, there are days that I am sure it is MLC and days where I wonder if I am just hoping it is MLC... most likely so I won't have to be accountable for my sortcomings. (I just 2x4ed myself.. but it was needed.)

[Mach1]

Not really an answer to the question, Captain Avoidance


You have mentioned this more than once, and anytime there is repetition , it rings bells.

Is that something that you like in yourself ?

How does that make you feel when you "sacrifice" yourself for others ?

[tested metal]

I do like to sacrifice for others. I feel good doing it. I like making a change for others, and I like that part of me.

The part I don't like is that in "sacrificing" I come across people who take advantage of that.. (I know, I know that is part of sacrificing, just do it and be happy or don't do it at all). It would be nice if once in a while some gratitude was shown. I am not expecting gratitude everytime I sacrifice, but I also don't want to feel like I am treated like the gum on the bottom of a shoe. I feel hurt if I think someone is taking advantage of my generosity repeatedly. This can only be changed in 2 ways.


1. I either change my thinking about it and stop complaining. or

2. I stop sacrificing and let the person deal with the problem themselves.

The problem is that in the marriage her problem became "our" problem.


I am not trying to avoid the question, I am just having a hard time explaining it.

[Mach1]

So....

Just to summarize a little....

"Gifts/Acts of Service" would be your primary Love Language ???

And that you feel loved in that manner ?

But you SHOW love that way, other people around you don't always show you love that way in return ?



Is that almost correct ?

[tested metal]

Actually physical touch is my primary love language, which is probably why I am taking this affair so personally.

I show love mainly through acts of service, which I now realize may not be her primary love language (just read the book last week).

I am not expecting people to do things for me in return. Receiving gifts is like the least priority on the list for me.

[tested metal]

I just want some recognition once in a while. Well not quite recognition, but if I am sacrificing something for someone, I would hope that they would not waste the fruits of the effort.

For example, the shoe thing. She knew that I was sacrificing to get us out of debt, but she would continue to blow money on boozing, buying expensive clothing (that she didn't need or hardly wore), etc. That kind of thing now feels like a slap in the face.

I would hope that if someone saw me putting in some effort to solve a problem that they created (such as the debt), they would make some attempt at putting forth an effort to also help solve the problem.

But maybe I am crazy and asking too much.

[Mach1]

Actually.....anyone that hasn't been laid in a while can manipulate PT as their LL.... : )

So what is it then ?

What is it about you, that feel compelled to give something in order to feel good about yourself ?

I'm not saying that it is wrong by any means....it's just not making sense to me.

It's almost as if you are "buying" people, to like you.

WTF....I like you, and I haven't seen my check yet.

TM, This is a good start to your answers.

[tested metal]

Maybe you are right and acts of service is my love language.

Or maybe I have such a low self esteem that I feel I need to do nice things for others so they like me. I know that I am always afraid of looking like an A-hole even though people frequently tell me I am the nicest guy they have ever met.

Maybe I need to be more assertive. I certainly don't want to "buy" people to like me. I just want them to like me for me.

But maybe I don't like myself right now. I am constantly criticizing myself lately for this mess and I feel horrible because if this isn't MLC then I MUST have been such an A-Hole to have someone basically flee from me and into the arms of someone who is much older and is highly unstable, and emotionally abusive. I know this line of thinking is not correct. Not everything is so black and white.

But knowledge and believing it are too different things. That is the difference between what you know and what you "feel" in your heart.

Maybe I have let this affair and W's actions get into my head too much. I am detatching the best I can and trying to take care of myself, but I am still "handcuffed to the madman."

[Mach1]

Is that a maybe ?

Or is that how YOU feel ?

[tested metal]

It is how I feel. I am feeling so many conflicting feelings right now that I feel confused. I am starting to think that I am going nuts!

I guess it makes sense that as a child I was made fun of and beat up on a regular basis. The friends I had were nice, but I got bullied a lot during my childhood. Even my father was an anxious person who yelled a lot. (I do get a little anxious myself, but I don't yell.) I think that probably has affected me more than I would like to admit.

I now speak softly, worry what others may think of me (to a certain extent), I am a negotiator and a very sensitive person. (sensitive to other's needs as well as my own). That is probably why I am not as assertive as I need to be.

As a child I decided to go with my strength which was intelligence. I would learn everything I could about nearly everything and I became known as the "smart kid" or nerd to others. To this day I still am known as the guy with all the answers. I feel accepted when people ask for my opinion or help with something.

I think that this is really bugging me because I can't find an answer to this. I am also hurt by being rejected, just like childhood all over again.

I feel helpless. I realize that there is nothing I can do for W or the marriage. I just have to work on me.