DBing against OW...?????

[imthemom]

I know its baby steps forward and usually huge steps back but it is so hard. Im am better with no communication at all, then I guess I have no expectations. I dont know what he wants!..he says he wants to have communication but then when there is it feels like he just thinks we (S14 and I) are a pain in the butt. and ruining his nice happy life cus he has to deal with all the negativity that is going on with S14. We went to get our christmas tree last night and S14 was so angry and sad the whole time, he made a comment that we were the only one at the lot getting a tree "by ourselves"....I tried to make a big deal about how he helped load it and then unload it when we got home but that seemed to make it worse. It was the first time weve ever gotten a tree without H and it was painfully obviouse. I guess we have to get use to a lot of those first now but it is so hard to watch S14 struggle with it.

S14 is becomeing increasingly more defiant instead of sad, the anger is really starting to show and takeing over the sadness. We talk a lot but I dont know how to help him with the anger, other then show by example that its not the way to handle things and just be positive about what we are dealing with.

S14 said on the way home from the tree lot that he had asked H if he was comeing over for xmas and H said no, S14 said he didnt understand that H didnt want to spend thanksgiving with us and now xmas...I know hes not spending it alone and he better not have a girfriend cus if he does Im not talking to her....what do you say to that?????? i didnt respond but obviousley he is figureing it out...I think he is feeling like his D is picking SOMETHING over him but doesnt know what....so hes fishing. I just dont get it, to know that something you are doing is causing your own child that much pain and to not be the least bit interested in stopping it, when you are capable of doing so...I dont understand that. sometimes I think, ok, if this were me and I had found someone to spend time with ...and it was causing S14 pain like that what would i do? would I end it or just be obliviouse because it made me happy? I dont know...I guess if I was in love with the person ...but even then, how could I be happy if my kids werent...I guess thats the difference between the being left and leaving.....

just rambling....not making much sense, i know..