Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - EVEN BETTER

[wawinla]

There is a part of me that wants to barrel through it. To decorate my house, buy a tree, listen and play Christmas music. To not give my w and my sitch so much power.....

.... but the truth is... that I cry when I try to do something Christmas-ish.. other than the party... which btw - so far, 15 kids will get Christmas gifts! - Booyah!

We will most likely finish up the car situation this week. Part of me will be glad that this will be over. Part of me is sad that it will be done.

I realize we never know what the future holds but I feel like what I want can't happen. It would be a miracle.

I know I had my mistakes but my w always knew that I loved her. She's always said how funny and proud of me she was.. how she couldn't imagine me not being in her life.

Well.. she seems to be doing just fine.. and even if not, she won't make a move. I'm standing still and she stills moves away.

It's not like I'm being nice to get her back.. I'm just kinda upset that she acknowledges it but still moves the opposite direction.

I find myself getting angry. Angry at my w for making this Christmas so hard, and angry at myself for still having hope.

I want to let go and I work towards it, but detaching is so hard. I don't really know how to shut that part of my emotions off.

I live my life and I enjoy it.. but I still deeply love my wife. Sometimes I fear that I'll never get over her. That I'll be settling for the rest of my life.

It's not so much that I'm impatient or am eager to find someone else.. I just am very fearful that I will "wait" for too long..

It's like if I get this D, then it's done and I can squash all that hope that still haunts me.

Maybe that's me just trying to run from my feelings because things are really hard right now.

I'm sure I'm mad because I was detaching much easier when she was being mean to me..

Like everything other time, I just need to rest in my faith. Feel my emotions and know that if anything I have learned in the past 8 months.. that doing these things have only benefited me.. and in some cases my interactions with w.

Urgh.. super emotional today guys and the stinkin thinkin is really hard to fight off.

Val:

I'm sorry you're in a low point.

I have to tell you, I feel EXACTLY the same as you.. Thanks for so eloquently expressing your feelings -- I wish I was able to do it as well as you.

I about to send back my edits to the marriage settlement agreement and I struggle with the finality it means for my M. My WAW will use it as another way to demonize me, but it is what it is.

You'll get through this rough patch and things will be okay. Don't let the "negative thoughts-- e.g., "lost the love of my life" -- adversely affect you. I strugle with that too, but am doing my best to not let these cognitive distortions plunge me into a depressed state.

You've done an amazing job with GAL and moving forward. You've given folks like me encouragement, support and help through our tough times. I hope you remember this in your down moments and I hope it serves as an inspiration and pick me up

Spending the Christmas back East?

Thoughts and prayers go out to you my friend!