"In July there is no way I could speak without being desperate, but sometimes now I am able to. Its so hard to stay positive and strong day in and day out."

Have you wrote these things down on paper? Individually, write down each major thing that's bothering you and then go over a solution for each? You'd be surprised at the objectivity that comes out when you can see your own anxiety there in front of you. Can't afford the time for this maybe? Can you afford not to?

"What kind of mom has H that leaves them, I most really be awful..."

I know you're ruminating, going over thoughts going round in your head but they are there and personally, I don't like these. I've taken a peek at your posts, if you were on the market you'd be a heavy catch! You're not so let's skip that.

In short, H made these decisions. Not you. Why hold yourself responsible for his decisions? H has stuff to sort through. Don't try to sort H out. You need to sort through the only thing you can right now, you.

From what I can see you are responsible for your contribution in the marriage and nothing more. Get used to it. Again, you are not responsible for H's decisions.

Yes, you may have issues. I do. Everybody else that posted here has too. Write down each issue that comes to mind. After each, write a solution down. Come back to it later, change the solution if you have new insight.

I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...