Everything has a season

[Valeska19]

JS
Sorry to hear you had a few low days. Dealing with D is stressful. I know it's easy to run away from it.

I'm glad Thanksgiving went well. I'm glad you were able to be there for SILs. I know it was hard for you. I'm sure it's hard for them.

Sorry to hear about your mother. Enjoy every moment with her.

Keep on keeping on JS. Someday we will reach the end of this dark tunnel.

((( )))

[JustStunned]

@BeingMe, Thank you for the compliment. Personally I think Jbanti is the king of GAL . After looking over what Christmas decorations I have been left with I decided not to put up a tree inside the house. I don’t expect to have anyone over as I am spending the holiday visiting the in laws and mom. I am seriously considering getting two small live potted evergreens framing the porch steps with them. That way I can plant them later.

Christmas Eve I will help prepare a traditional ethnic meal with SIL1. I have done so for many years, and SIL1 has made a point of asking me to continue. The meal is to be held at SIL2’s house this year. Were it not for this drama STBX and I would be hosting as it was our turn. I might host next year depending on circumstance, time will tell.

There is a gift exchange after the meal. I have a few items purchased already, but there is more shopping to do. My daughter and I plan on doing a bit of that next weekend.

I’ll spend Christmas with mom. We have not yet decided what to do about a meal there. Mom liked the traditional American Thanksgiving meal my sister and I prepared last week, but not the disruption to her routine preparing it caused. I think she’d rather just spend a quiet evening. I plan on spending most of the day with her so I’ll see what she wants to do.

I am glad you are getting out. Going back to school? I don’t think I could keep the focus I would need to go back to class for anything other than some PE credits.

Journaling: Saturday my sister and I ran a few errands after spending the morning with mom. My sister wanted to purchase a toy for my dog so we stopped at the pet store. As we were leaving one of the trainers struck up a conversation and asked me how I was adjusting. The pet store staff has been informed of my sitch. Gossip spreads. At least I am doing and sometimes doing well.

Sunday my daughter and I took my sister to the airport. Mom was not feeling well enough to ride along. On the way home we took a small side trip and attended a fund raising brkfst for the Venture Scout Crew SIL2 and two nephews are members of. My MIL and FIL arrived while we were there and we made small talk for about an hour.

[JustStunned]

@Val As my friends down under like to say in keeping with the stereotype. Eh, no worries mate.

We all have down days. I don’t post about them much as generally they are short lived. I need to feed the endorphin monkey more consistent meals though. STBX took the treadmill and I need to replace my shoes again. I am hoping for snow deep enough to CC ski in. Last year the number of days in my neck of the woods with accumulated snow was amazing.

We’ll keep mom at home as long as possible. STBX is a nurse with many years experience in long term and hospice care. She used to be part of the equation. We will find a way without her to keep mom comfortable. Mom is a tough lady, farm raised during the depression she has experienced her share of hardship. She possesses a resilience and attitude toward life to emulate. She could fool us all.

Yeah the tunnel is dark some days, on others not so much. I keep building small fires in mine. I use GAL and family and the people here as fuel to keep them burning.

The fires are for me. I used to hear STBX moving out beyond the firelight. No more. She has scuttled off to some dank corner convinced she’ll be happier there. I wish her well. Emotionally I am no longer lingering on reconciling. Most of my frustrations here deal with deflecting the attacks that are still launched. She is stuck in some anger stage and occasionally lobs one in. Usually a day or two after someone on FB pats me on the back. She still finds a button or two to graze occasionally, but can’t seem to get on target any more.

[gunny]

Hello JS,
You are holding up well, like you said, some days are not as bad.
Had a good run this morning along the canal, was reading a good book on depression and they broke down and explained why exercise becomes a mood enhancer. Pretty interesting stuff, the endorphins produced are much more conducive to fighting depression than most pharmasueticals.

Hope you are having good day,
S/F
P.S. Have been helping out my Marine Corps League collect toys down at the local mall. Have been doing this for 20 years! It has become a life saver this year!

[BeingMe]

You put that in such a beautiful, lyrical way, JS. Yet, it is describing such a painful process.

Gunny, I find dancing (by myself, at home) helps my moods. Sometimes, I just get up from my desk, put on some celtic music (I call 'happy' music), and just dance around the lounge. I do laugh at myself, in a nice way.

Hope you both have good weeks.

[jbnati]

Thanks for the shout out, JS. It's very humbling. I need the GAL to help me.

I think you have shown us all you're a stand up guy and you are focused on doing the right thing, regardless of what your W does. You share a ton of wisdom and insight with all of us here. You're a role model to many of us here.

[JustStunned]

@JB There is something in every thread to be learned from. I am no more role model than many here, yourself included. I do appreciate the words of encouragement. There are times when I feel as if I am walking in the dark, feeling my way along.

I find it odd that I should dread the work involved in reconciliation as much as receiving notification she has filed. There is no indication either way.

Dark as a cave deep in the earth are we. The mind wanders and speculation begins. I need to build another fire. I pray for clarity, for strength, for resolve, for peace, for each of us.

@BeingMe Guess I am trying for lyrical again with a little Yoda speak.

@Gunny There were times I dreaded a shipboard deployment. The Saipan wasn’t bad b/c we had the hanger deck and weight room for PT, although the chow line wasn’t fun. Spent some time on the Newport, an LST with a flight deck the size of a postage stamp, didn’t make many endorphins aboard her. The very first thing I did when we hit liberty was get a PT run. Ran past HMS Victory in Portsmouth a few times…. S/F

[gunny]

Hey JS,
I was on the Dubuque back in 83 for a couple of weeks, always thought it was a hoot doing bench presses as the ship listed!
Hope you have good weekend,
SF

[JustStunned]

@Gunny I spent some time aboard her sister the Ponce. There are a few Sea Stories associated with those deployments.

Journaling I spoke with my son over the weekend. He was trying to catch up with me since returning from deployment. I was not 100% successful staying away from this sitch, but we managed to move past it.

He and his wife are entering the last month of the pregnancy, and he has been trying to make up for time lost, shopping, finalizing the baby’s room, attending parenting and Lamaze classes, touring the labor and delivery departments of the hospital they expect to use. He seems excited and happy with most of it, planning for the little girls arrival and being a Dad. I forgot what that was like and it was pleasant to be reminded about it. I even managed to pass along some advice.

We spoke a little about pressures from his unit and the responsibilities he has there. He has always been a hands on lead from the front NCO. It has served him well. We spoke about how he needs to adapt and learn to delegate lest he become overwhelmed between family and career.

He and his wife are not immune to some of the BS, and that is what has bothered me the most. It seems STBX committed to managing a baby shower. They registered at an internet site and sent out announcements. Only a few people responded and it seems STBX has washed her hands of the whole commitment, placing blame upon me, and family. None of this sits well with my son, and he is torn between loyalties.

I tried to tell him lack of commitment is a hall mark of where STBX is now and his loyalties lie with the women he chose to spend his life with, the woman who is carrying their child, with the family they are making. His focus needs to remain upon his mission. The rest of us are REMFs and we’ll sort out our own BS eventually.

After we said our goodbyes I logged onto their registry and purchased the items he seemed most concerned with. In the upcoming weeks I’ll encourage family to connect and communicate with them as they will be on the other side of the country during Christmas. It could be worse as he could still be walking a post as others are.

[JustStunned]

Journaling The run up began at this time last year. In a few days will be the anniversary of her decision day. As Christmas approaches the drama is growing. Not to me directly. To our kids, to the SILs, to the nieces and nephews.

My SILs ask me to be present. I do not force my presence. I respect their feelings. To include me is their decision. I am happy to visit my friends, my family, it shows. Yet they are told what to think, how to act, as if they are betraying.

I hear snippets about the sniping that occurs

There was an empty place setting at Thanksgiving for STBX, for I was present.

Our daughter walks on Sunday, two degrees, National Honor Society, and STBX has said she will not go, for I am welcomed there.

Christmas Eve dinner she will not attend, for I am helping cook as I have done. As I have been asked to do.

She will not see one SIL, one Niece, tired of the drama they fired back, they have made her cry.

I am the cause of none of this. They tell me they know. I cannot fix this. They tell me they know.

I do not know this person. I wonder if, I wonder when the persona will shatter and she can begin to heal.

It seems as if she needs the drama she is making, as if she needs to be angry, to hate. I remember a time when she was clinically depressed. She said she felt nothing as though she were dead inside. Perhaps she needs this intensity to feel alive.

I find it odd that I don’t feel. Most of the time it is as if I am watching a poorly written play about a character I cannot identify with. Odd b/c I have loved so intensely this person for thirty years.