How 2 balance detaching & improving communication?

[2thepoint]

SIAS - I think you should just take it at face value for now and perhaps make note of it in your solutions journal if you have one, under the heading of "baby steps". Hopefully you'll be able to add to the list as time goes on.

Regarding her outburst, I think she is just confused and perhaps a bit jealous that you ARE able to keep things under control. Good job ignoring her in that particular interaction!

Forget trying to figure out whats going on in her head. You'll get lost in the fog right along with her and we need you to be the one with the clear head. OK?

[PERSEVERANCE]

Hi Say
I feel your pain....in the same boat. We want to mind-read, looking for proof that we're on the right track. Its best if we simply take it at face value, a nice gesture & continue with our 180 GAL plan. I'm a newbie too... trying my best not to mind-read to avoid disapointment or unrealistic expectations.

[jbnati]

I haven't heard anything like this in a while and although I appreciated it and said "that is sweet, thank you" I have been mind reading and analyzing this to see if its a good sign about her noticing I'm becoming a better man or if I should just take it at face value and maybe it means nothing as far as our relationship goes. And then I am fearful that she thinks us being seperated is working out better than when she was living here.

I think you take this as a small positive. Hang on to and collect the small positives as indicator you're on the right track. As 2tp suggested, putting these in a solution journal if you have one might not be a bad idea. It's all baby steps.

[sayitaintso]

Thanks for the input and suggestions, it is much appreciated.

I have been thinking about w all day and wondering when she is going to call and this is really bothering me. I know I need to stop and do a better job of detaching.

I also have scheduled a happy hour w/ a couple friends since it's my w's night to have the boys but I am already feeling guilty about not seeing them and maybe not having dinner with them. I'm tired of wavering and thinking about the effect and the reaction of my w to everything I do.

This [censored]!!!

[2thepoint]

My C told me that when negative thoughts enter my mind that I need to create a mental picture of a STOP sign.

Try that and see if it helps!

[isittoolate]

Sayitaintso

I am in a similar position But the bomb was only dropped 3 weeks ago and I have been given until end of jan to find somewhere to live.
Luckily I only begged, pleaded etc for about 3 days. I then had to work away for 3 days which nearly blew my mind, being so far from home.I didn't know what to do to save my marriage until a fortuitous ride in a taxi with a female taxi driver. I gave her the whole story in about 20 mins, and she offered the first useful advice. I then got on the internet in the hotel and spent the next 3 evenings researching. I watched MWD Youtube videos and by the time I was home again, I had a plan!

The hardest part of all this is 'How to detach but keep the good commmunication' and how to keep yourself from going insane.

Analysing every conversation, body language, smile and interaction is driving me nuts. My W. is a really nice person who from the off wanted us after the D to be respectful to each other and co-operative and 'not to let it affect the boys'. So sometimes I see her smiles, laughs, and general openness (since the Bomb) as her accepting that this is how it will be from now on. Does she think that she is happy now 1)Because she unburdened herself by releasing the bomb or 2) Because I have changed.

Well I guess it is a combination of both.... and I need to convince her that our new found good R can grow and grow.

Also in my job I am away from home a lot midweek, sometimes 4 nights. Its really tough, especially not Texting, emailing or calling. sorry to go on about my situation but I guess that is what this forum is for....support and unburdening.... Hang in there!!

[sayitaintso]

It seems that I only come on here to journal negative things. That may make it hard for others to get a more accurate picture of my situation so I will try to do better at including everything in order to get the best advice possible from all you great people on here.

I have been continuing my db'ing efforts and I would consider my current status s/ my waw as being somewhat dim and more emotionally detached as I've ever been (as far as my w's moods, comments, and actions affecting me are concerned)I still have my moments but this has improved dramatically.

I have been spending tons of time w/ my 3 boys and have continued to build a better relationship with all of them. I volunteer at the younger ones school and take my older one to the gym with me along with other things. This I am extremely proud and happy about and never plan on stopping.

I see my w almost everyday and we have been communicating well w/ respect to our kids and small talk but not too much beyond that. Their has been very little to no physical contact which used to really bother me but I've come to accept it now. Even though their are many times I would like to give my w a hug from time to time I refrain and let her initiate that.

My 9 yr old wonders why we don't hug much and wants us to more. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle that? I would like to initiate hugs periodically but I don't want to pursue so I'm a little confused.

My w is really having a tough time with her life on all fronts right now and I'm really feeling for her. I do my best to lend my ear when she initiates and just recently she told me at the end of the day she feels good to know she can depend on me for support. I really appreciated that and that is def a 180 from how she has previously felt about me. This was one of the main problems of our r.

However, when she first moved out we used to talk every night on the phone, sometimes for a while. Now we rarely do. I'm not sure if intially I initiated the calls or if we were both adjusting to our new sitch but its tough having minimal communication now. I still struggle with thinking about calling just to say hi and chat but feel that that is pursuing and not good according to Db.

Another recent positive is that my w called me one morning and was giving me an earfull about something I did and where I used to get flustered and upset I simply said I'll talk to you later and got off the phone with her. I didn't really feel bad about what I did and realized her reaction was on her. She later that day apologized to me for the way she was talking to me. This was a big 180 as I can't recall the last time she apologized to me for anything. I said don't worry about it and that was that.

I guess this turned into a long journaling rant. This still [censored] and the struggles are daily. I hope I am making the best decisions in terms of my actions and words for what its going to take to give me the highest likelihood of obtaining my long term goal of a R.

I am doing my best to become the best person I can be and at the end of the day I am happy with that and whatever happens happens.

[BklynMom]

Do not initiate a hug! The way I look at this decision is would your kid rather see you hug your W a couple of times and not get back together or have you R and not hug a couple of times?

Sorry to say it but, glad to hear your W is having a hard time on all fronts right now. Hmmm, most of her issues probably dont have to do with you. Maybe she will start to see that. Dont rescue her. Listen to her problems and validate.

Write down that she told you she feels like she can go to you for support. That is awesome!! Very positive. Very good sign. Listen to her problems and validate.

I think the message board over emphasizes going dark. I dont think the DB coaches are as into being dark/dim. I think each sitch is different and maybe talking to a coach is a good idea to see how much interaction you should have with your W.

When I have spoken to the coaches they really emphasize using each interaction as an opportunitity for the WAS to see the new you. Your W has been reaching out to you so I think it is legimate to consider reaching out to her and gauge her response. If she is stand offish you wont do it again. It is definitely something to consider.

My coach is always stressing that in order to R I need to reestablish my friendship with H, he needs to feel like he can trust me not to overreact. You need to slowly reestablish that connection in a way that your W wont feel like you are pursuing.

Keep ranting here and keeping it together with her. Good luck

[2thepoint]

I think you are doing the best you can given the circumstances. It is nice to see glimmers of progress from your W, so count that as a positive and note it in your solution journal including what you did or didn't do to generate the positive response.

I think for all of us, the important thing to remember is that time is our friend because time, and lots of it is what is needed to turn the R ship around.

Keep it going!

[sandi2]

Have you actually written out your goals and the steps in accomplishing them? If not, maybe that would be something to help stay focused on you and the kids, instead of so much thoughts directed toward the W.